Sir: It is abundantly clear that whoever is in charge of the worldwide conspiracy of all things is falling down on the job. As a rich person, I am supposed to be immune to all inconvenience. Yet only this morning I had to come to a dead stop while some pokey old woman with a walker held up traffic at the intersection of Carson and 18th, as if she had a right to amble across the street at her leisure just because the walk sign was on in her direction. Now, clearly, in a well-ordered conspiracy of everything, there would be no little old ladies holding up drivers in any car above the level of a Lexus. My own car is a Bentley, so I should not even have to think about inconvenient old women.

It is time for drastic measures. I call for the resignation of the leaders of the conspiracy, and their replacement by competent professionals who know how to run a proper cabal. I also call for aging to be made illegal. Clearly a competent conspiracy would be able to eliminate all the inconveniences associated with advancing years.

Since there are no other candidates publicly announcing themselves, I offer myself for the position of generalissimo or archon or supreme pontiff or whatever it is you like to call the head of such an organization. Clearly I am qualified, since I know what is to be done and have a proper Bentley. But if someone else is willing to take on the onerous duties and get the job done, I have no objection. The vital thing is to make sure the rich suffer no more inconveniences. Otherwise they will lose all motivation to remain rich, and then what will become of our economy?

Standard N. Poor,
Rich Person with a Bentley.


  1. John Salmon says:

    Thurston Howell III has A) finally been rescued; B) decided to operate under an alias. The pressures of fame, you know.

    He has a friend named “Dun N Bradstreet”.

  2. Belfry Bat says:

    Just How Wealthy is M. Poor? His sense of self seems to be expressed by ownership of a Bently; this suggests the regular employment of perhaps three or four drivers, a comparable staff of mechanics, probably a butler, maid, gardener or two, and maybe one excellent cook. This comes to perhaps a dozen staff— all of whom are USEFUL. Let us compare him with… say… The Princes Esterhazy! It matters little which one. Perhaps a useful point of comparison is that The Prince Esterhazy famously owned an Orchestra, an Opera and a Ballet Company. This easily represents a few hundred permanent employees, all of whom, while their works are certainly delightful, are quite beyond the scope of USEFUL work. I’m afraid, Sir Poor, that you do not seem wealthy enough to buy up the Cabal Ueberhauptherrfuehrerherzogheit.

  3. The Shadow says:

    “then what will become of our economy?”

    One imagines it might become somewhat more sane.

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