Feel the freeze! Cools your mouth as you eat!

Dr. Boli imagines marketers sitting at a conference table piled high with martinis, trying to come up with a suitable slogan for this new advance in breakfast technology:

“The breakfast of masochists!”

No, not quite what we want.

“More than 400% of your US RDA of blue!”

The FDA would get on our backs.

“A convenience store in your bowl!”

Probably not what our target demographic is looking for.

At the end of the meeting, all they could agree on was that, in the box art, the milk in the bowl should look as much as possible like mucus.

But alas! it was not enough. We discovered this rare delight only because it was heaped in stacks along the sidewalk in front of an emporium in the Strip District in Pittsburgh that specializes in bent cans and past-their-prime packaged foods.

All the science that went into creating a breakfast cereal that has the same painful effects on the human palate as a frozen convenience-store froot drink was for naught, and the man on the next corner with a thrift-store karaoke machine begging quarters from passers-by for singing the greatest hits of John Denver may well have been one of the scientists responsible.

Parents, don’t let your children grow up to be breakfast-cereal chemists.