Announcer. And now Malt-O-Cod, the only malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…

[Music: Fanfare.]

Announcer. The Adventures of Sir Montague Blastoff, Interplanetary Space Dragoon!

[Music: Theme, in and under for…]

Announcer. As you remember, in last week’s episode, Sir Montague and Colonel Darling were on their way back from performing a routine orbital tuneup on Pluto when they spotted a strange alien ship from a race never encountered before by human beings.

[Music: Fade.]

Sir M. I say, Colonel, what can your panel full of glowing rectangles tell us about their ship?

Col. D. It’s not much of a ship, Monty. It seems to be powered by a very basic thermidorian reactor. And I don’t think it has any weapons, because if it did, this rectangle would be red, and it’s more of a sort of chartreuse color.

Sir M. Then they must be peaceful explorers, which will save a rotten lot of paperwork when we get back to base. See if you can hail them with the universal hailing thingy.

Col. D. Sending standard greeting now. Oh, look, Monty! This rectangle is glowing green! That means they’re responding! Let me see if I can— There! I have the strange extraterrestrial creatures on visual.

Alien voice. Greetings, strange extrafilzippial creatures. We are explorers from the planet Filzip, and we are intensely curious about your planetary system.

Sir M. How delightful! We’ll be more than happy to tell you about the solar system. We’re rather proud of it, if you don’t mind my saying so.

Alien voice. How is your planetary system configured?

Sir M. Well, we’ve got eight planets. Well, nine. Or rather eight. Actually, we’re still having arguments about that, don’t you know. But they’re all lovely places. There’s Mercury—

Col. D. It’s so romantic there! If you stand in the right place, you get a perpetual sunset.

Sir M. And then there’s Venus—

Col. D. I love the saunas!

Sir M. Quite so, though the acid does tend to sting a bit. And then there’s Earth—

Col. D. Earth has the best shopping.

Sir M. Earth is also where the Interplanetary Space Command headquarters is, of course, which I’m sure accounts for some of the shopping.

Col. D. And then there’s Mars. Borrrr-ing.

Sir M. Mars is rather suburban. Everyone tells me it’s a very nice place to live, but not really known for its cultural opportunities. But then Jupiter—

Col. D. Not much there, is there, Monty?

Sir M. True, but the moons are quite trendy. Likewise with Saturn, although Triton is a bit run down these days. Mostly tawdry ten-cents-a-dance ballrooms and that sort of thing.

Col. D. They’re not that tawdry. I mean, not that I’d know, of course, but still…

Sir M. But there’s still quite a bit of undeveloped property on Uranus and Neptune. I understand the land is being sold off in lots at very reasonable prices.

Col. D. Might be a good place to settle down and raise a family, right, Monty? I mean, hypothetically.

Sir M. Yes, quite. Hypothetically. On a purely hypothetical level. —So that’s our solar system, and I hope we’ve given you the information you wanted.

Alien Voice. Thank you very much. You have provided the necessary information for our invasion.

[Music: Stinger.]

Sir M. I say! Invasion?

Alien Voice. Our system has just two cruddy planets, and we’re running out of room. Yours sounds ever so much nicer.

Col. D. But, gosh!

[Music: Theme, in and under for…]

Announcer. Will Sir Montague and Colonel Darling be able to stop the alien invasion they seem to have started? Don’t miss next week’s dialogue-packed episode! Till then, kids, don’t forget to wear down your parents’ resistance. They may think you don’t need more Malt-O-Cod, but you know you can’t let a day go by without the rich, satisfying flavor of real cod-liver oil. Tell them you need a fix now, or you can’t be responsible for your actions. It’s the malt food drink that’s brain food—Malt-O-Cod!

[Music: In full, then out.]