Announcer. And now the Endurance Insurance Company of Halls Falls, New Jersey, presents…
Music: Theme, in and under for…
Announcer. Doctor Proctor! The continuing story of a noble physician at the McGinnick Clinic in Allemania, Pennsylvania, and the trials he faces while trying to do the right thing.
Music: In full to end, then segue to clinic theme and fade.
Dr. Proctor. Nurse Terse, Mr. Pfister here needs a spleen vaccine. Please have Aide Quaid wheel in the vaccination station.
Nurse. Actually, it wheels itself in. It uses SmartCart technology.
Dr. Proctor. I don’t hold with that mumbo jumbo. But here comes Miss Bliss.
Miss B. Don’t forget to have Mr. Pfister sign the vaccination authorization, Dr. Proctor. If you forget again, it’ll be double trouble for me.
Dr. Proctor. Here, Mr. Pfister. Sign on the line.
Pfister. Easy peasy, Doctor Proctor.
Miss B. Thank you, Doctor Proctor. Administrator Finistrator has been on my case.
Dr. Proctor. Glad to oblige, Miss Bliss. Now, before we go on, Mr. Pfister, we have to test for a rare condition called “green spleen.”
Pfister. Green spleen?
Dr. Proctor. Yes. Nurse Terse, prepare the green-spleen screen.
Pfister. Will it hurt?
Dr. Proctor. It’s just a quick ab jab. Not deep enough to get into the bone zone.
(Sound: beeping alarm.)
Nurse. Mr. Pfister’s green-spleen screen shows positive, Doctor Proctor.
Dr. Proctor. Hell’s bells!
Nurse (sotto voce). Should I call for Pastor Castor?
Dr. Proctor. Not yet, Nurse Terse. Mr. Pfister, you have green spleen, but I can still save you if—
Lieutenant (entering).
Nurse. Why, it’s Lieutenant Pennant from the Fraud Squad!
Lieutenant. That’s right, Nurse Terse. Doctor Proctor, Mr. Pfister here is wanted for violating the Tract Act.
Dr. Proctor. The Tract Act? How did he violate that?
Lieutenant. With a cook book he published. A recipe for “Mile-High Custard Pie,” making the most generous consumption assumption, produced results that reached five thousand three hundred seventy-five feet at the most. It’s a no go.
Dr. Proctor. Well, Lieutenant Pennant, Mr. Pfister isn’t going anywhere till I say so. He has green spleen. He needs narcotics and antibiotics.
Lieutenant. Oh, yeah? Well, District Attorney Burney got Judge Mudge to give him a warrant, so I guess I’ll be taking Mr. Pfister with me.
Dr. Proctor. Warrant, schmarrant! No way José, Lieutenant Pennant!
(Music: Theme, in and under for…)
Announcer. Will Doctor Proctor have to release Mister Pfister into the uncaring hands of Lieutenant Pennant, or will he think of something smarter than anything he thought of in this episode? Tune in next week to find out! Meanwhile, friends, have you provided for your houseplants in case you suddenly kick the bucket? The Endurance Insurance Company of Halls Falls, New Jersey, can set you up with a carefully tailored policy that will care for your plants when you’re pushing up daisies. Call your Endurance Insurance agent the first thing tomorrow morning. This is your host Barnaby Yost saying, Good night and sleep tight.