Sir: The famous French pop singer, or chanticleer as they call them in France, Charles de Gaulle once asked, “How do you govern a country with 246 kinds of cheese?” I presume he sang it to the tune of a lovely old French folk song, but regardless, the point was well taken. Sadly, the French government at the time did not rise to the challenge. Whoever was in charge in those days simply ignored De Gaulle’s warning about the cheese menace. Instead of stamping out deviant cheeses and establishing a single national cheese the way the Swiss have done, the French allowed cheeses to multiply and infest every corner of the country. And where is France today? Well, I mean, it’s still there, but it’s France. Enough said.

We in the United States were lucky in the past. There was one cheese for one nation: American cheese. No one but commie perverts ate anything else. But now a trip to your local grocery store is enough to fill you with dismay, at least if you are as proudly Stupid as I am. Even the cheeses made in the USA have names no one can pronounce, like “Havarti” or “Medium Cheddar.” It’s true that there are still piles and piles of American cheese in perfect little individually wrapped slices, the way God created cheese to be sold, but the invasive un-American cheeses are gaining ground and taking up shelf space.

This cannot be allowed to continue. Diversity of cheeses leads to diversity of opinion, and diversity of opinion is the enemy of freedom.

Fortunately it is not too late. It will require vigorous action, but the full power of your federal government is available to squash the cheese menace before it destroys the liberty we hold dear. Now, during this golden time when your federal government is more open than ever to Stupid initiatives, I urge all your readers to sign the petition on the front table at the office of the American Association of Stupid People at One Stupid Square, East Liberty or possibly Belmar (I get them mixed up). We have ballpoint pens available, along with detailed video instructions for their use. We would have put the petition on the Web, but the last time we tried that the power was out in the East End for three days.

Sincerely,
Carton Gherkin IV,
President,
American Association of Stupid People (AAPS).