Part 2.—Entrance Requirements.

Technically, Canada is not the same country as the United States, so if you are a U. S. citizen, you will need to meet certain requirements in order to cross the border:

1. Make sure you have a passport. This is not a Canadian requirement; Canadians generally trust U. S. citizens, and would be happy to let them into the country with a smile and a wave. The United States, however, believes that U. S. citizens are probably terrorists unless they can prove otherwise. You will thus need a passport to get back into the United States, or you will be forced to join the thousands of stateless Americans in the refugee camp for U. S. citizens who forgot their passports, which is currently located on Baffin Island.

2. Make sure your vaccinations are up to date. Canadians are notoriously courteous and hospitable, and no one wants that kind of thing brought back into the United States.

3. Bring a pair of xylophone mallets, for obvious reasons.

4. Did you remember a hat for Queen Elizabeth?

5. To avoid difficulty at the border when re-entering the United States. make sure your skin is not of an unpatriotically dark hue. Also be sure not to profess any obviously anti-American beliefs, such as Islam, Hinduism, Episcopalianism, or global warming.

Note that, if you are a Canadian citizen, there is a high statistical probability that you are already in Canada. It is advisable to check before making further plans to enter the country.