Dear Dr. Boli: How should I excuse myself when I’m at dinner with good company in a decent restaurant, and I need to, you know, excuse myself? —Sincerely, A Gentleman Who Will Be Right Back.

Dear Sir: The principles of etiquette imply, if they do not state outright, that you should be bound by what the restaurant calls its facilities.

Restroom: “I’m going to go take a rest.”

Bathroom: “I’m going to go take a bath.”

Washroom: “I’m going to go wash up.”

Water closet: “I’m going to go put some water in storage.”

Comfort station: “I’m going to go make myself comfortable.”

Public convenience: “I’m going to be convenient.”

Men’s room: “I’m going to be a man.”

Facilities: “I’m going to facilitate.”

Powder room: “I’m going to take a powder.”

You see the principle, and can doubtless adapt it to the local vocabulary. Alternatively, you could just stand up and say, “Excuse me,” and etiquette would be perfectly satisfied with you.

It has been a long time since Dr. Boli looked into the comments from readers that unaccountably ended up in the “spam” folder, but he would like to take this opportunity to apologize to those correspondents and answer a few of them personally.

Many of these little notes are very complimentary. For example, one of our correspondents writes,

Your blog posts never fail to entertain and educate me. I especially enjoyed the recent one about [insert topic]. Keep up the great work!

Dr. Boli is very happy to hear that you were entertained and educated, and he assures you that [insert topic] will receive a good deal of attention in the Magazine over the next few months.

Hello my loved one I want to say that this post is amazing great written and include almost all significant infos I would like to look extra posts like this

Well, this is enough to make one blush. If, by the way, you would like to look extra posts, you might try the Random Autobolificator.

Hi my loved one! I wish to say that this post is amazing, nice written and include approximately all vital infos. I’d like to peer more posts like this.

Something about this note seems vaguely familiar, but we can’t quite put our finger on it. We would encourage the reader to write again, however, and tell us what it would take for our posts to include exactly all vital infos. We strive for perfection.

Terrific paintings! This is the kind of info that should be shared across the net. Shame on the seek for no longer positioning this publish upper! Come on over and talk over with my website . Thank you =)

Shame on the seek indeed. But we suppose Google, DuckDuckGo, and the rest are feeling pretty smug and think they have no need of a publish-upper. And we are glad you like our paintings. Someday we may produce some, and it will be good to know that they come out pre-liked.

Now, we would not have it understood that the correspondence is uniformly complimentary. Sometimes the correspondents have useful suggestions for improvement.

I loved even more than you will get done right here. The overall look is nice, and the writing is stylish, but there’s something off about the way you write that makes me think that you should be careful what you say next. I will definitely be back again and again if you protect this hike.

Here Dr. Boli must disappoint a reader, because it is Dr. Boli’s firm belief that hikes should be launched into the world unprotected. That is the difference between a hike and a mere stroll.

Other readers have more general advice, not about writing per se but about the good life and how to live it:

Singles night clubs happen to be all-around for an extended time, as well as although they will often not necessarily interest every person there’re excellent due to the fact everybody offers the identical target as the primary goal. You might be most of within the same motorboat, and yes it might not be understated however it definitely is straightforward.

It probably takes someone more straightforward than Dr. Boli to appreciate the nuances of this comment, but we can all be grateful that a reader took the time to attempt to improve our lives.

In the past we have mentioned how terms and conditions are not things we “agree” to, but things that are forced on us whether we like it or not. Some people were appalled that we compared this situation to slavery, but they misunderstood. We did not compare it to slavery: we called it slavery, which is quite different. We said not that it is like slavery, but that it actually is slavery. We implied that forcing us to agree to terms that, in word count, often amounted to the size of a substantial book showed a complete contempt for the users on whom these conditions were being imposed.

But is that fair? “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity,” as the proverb known as “Hanlon’s Razor” has it. Perhaps the multiplication of verbiage is simply the result of a long series of small individual decisions made by lawyers and managers, none of whom really intended to make it impossible to read the terms and conditions.

Let us then look at an example. Samsung is one of the world’s largest purveyors of mobile phones. In order to use their mobile phones, you have to agree to the terms and conditions. Dr. Boli thought he might, as an exercise, see how many words he was agreeing to if he used a Samsung phone. The first section of the agreement came to 16,839 words. That was the general agreement. Like relativity, though, your theoretical agreement is divided into general and special theories. There is a separate agreement for each component of the software that Samsung places on the phone. Tapping the link to the first of those agreements brought up this screen, which, we remind you, displays the terms and conditions specifically for a component of a mobile device. It is displayed here as close to actual size as possible, considering that device screens have unpredictably different resolutions, and we might add that this is a picture of a larger-than-average mobile-phone screen.

We should note that the text does not flow: the line breaks are fixed. The only way to read this text (which goes on for quite a few more screens’ worth) is to enlarge it, and then move the enlargement back and forth to read the beginning, middle, and end of each line. To make it even barely legible if you have perfect vision, you will have to enlarge it enough that only about a third of each line will be visible at a time; so you will have to move the enlargement a minimum of three times to read one line. Multiply that by the number of lines in this screen, and multiply that by the dozen or so screens’ worth of text in this document.

Dr. Boli, on this evidence, rests his case, and believes the defendant corporation stands convicted of contempt by its own testimony.

H. Albertus Boli, LL.D.
Boli Mansion

Dear Mr. Lld:

In reference to your business credit account no. XXXX XXXX XXXX [redacted], we are writing to ask whether there is any reason why you have not yet paid the bill in the amount of

$0.00

which was sent to you last month on the 14th. We want you to know that your bank is here to help. You may have noticed that your bill included an envelope in which to send your payment of

$0.00

directly to us. The envelope was already addressed, so it will spare you the trouble of searching for an envelope and writing our address on the front of it.

We like to think of ourselves as a customer-oriented bank. We understand that some of our customers occasionally just forget to put a payment in the mail. That is why we are willing to waive the late fee in this case.

Moreover, you may not have noticed the Minimum Payment line on your bill, but let us assure you that it is not necessary to pay the whole amount at once. You can keep your account current and maintain a good credit rating with a low minimum payment of only

$0.00

Once again, we are willing to waive the late fee if we receive this payment within the next two weeks, so that it arrives on or before February 5, 2024.

But let us be frank. We also understand that, on certain occasions, funds run a little short, and bills are harder than usual to pay. Therefore, we are offering you this special concession: we are willing to split your minimum payment into four easy installments of only

$0.00

each, at the usual rate of 37% interest. Will that make it easier for you? And if you have lost the envelope we sent you, please do not hesitate to call us, and we will be happy to supply you with another one and automatically bill your account for it, so that you will not have to worry about making a separate payment.

We hope these accommodations will make it easier for you to send your payment in a timely fashion. We should hate to have to send your account to a collection agency, especially since all the collection agencies we know have for some reason stopped accepting accounts from us.

Thank you for being a loyal customer of the Steamfitters & Phrenologists Federal Savings Bank, and we look forward to billing you in the future.