Posts by Dr. Boli

IN THE NEWS.

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Grief counselors were called to the Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen after a three-year study by Institute researchers was rejected by the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine.

“This is the saddest day of my life,” said Meik Wiking, CEO of the Institute. “I just want to jump off a bridge.”

Counselors at the Grief Studies Foundation celebrated their contract with an all-night party featuring three cases of Moët & Chandon champagne. One counselor, who wished to remain anonymous, told a reporter that with this new contract she was “set for life.”

THIS STREET EXISTS.

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© OpenStreetMap contributors. Licensed under the Open Data Commons Open Database License.

And of course most of it is a stairway, because it exists in Pittsburgh. It is a very short walk from the Hampshire stop on the Red Line trolley. There is nothing in particular to see except a few very Pittsburghish houses and storefronts and an old neighborhood silent-movie palace, but you can tell your friends you have walked the entire length of Parody Way, and they will be suitably impressed.

This is strict truth, because Dr. Boli considers April Fool’s Day the most sacred holiday of the year.

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.

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On this day in 1949, Newfoundland became part of Canada. It had previously been a colony, and then an independent country, and then an oligarchic despotism, having botched independence so badly that it begged the British government to take back control of the country. “Politics in Newfoundland have never been such as to inspire wholehearted confidence in the ability of the people to govern themselves wisely,” said the bracingly frank report of the Newfoundland Royal Commission, “but there is general agreement that a process of deterioration, which has now reached almost unbelievable extremes, may be said to have set in about a quarter of a century ago.”

Only two independent nations have managed to be repossessed by the British crown, the other being Rhodesia. In both cases, the governments of those countries willingly handed over the keys to the Crown’s representatives. In the case of Rhodesia, the surrender was provoked by a long and wearying war between the governing minority and the vast majority of citizens of the country. But Newfoundland may claim the distinction of being the one country on earth whose government recognized its own incompetence, and the need to place control in the hands of outside experts. Paradoxically, that makes it one of the most competent governments in history.

Advertisement.

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On-hold music for all telephone service centers. We provide an endless loop of a seven-year-old practicing scales on a trumpet, thus encouraging callers to hang up quickly and never call back. You save big money in staffing and support costs. Blandville Elementary School, music department, ask for Mr. Tweed (after 3 p.m. only).

ASK HERBERT THE PSYCHIC FLOUNDER.

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Dear Mr. Flounder: I have been thinking of a change of professions, since there seems to be little future in my current career track. Have you any advice to help me sort out the many possible directions for a man in my position? —Sincerely, Charles, Prince of Wales.

Dear Sir: It is always wise to place life-changing decisions in the hands of the spirits. Their direction is always reliable, though metaphorical. In this case the spirits sent me a vision very promptly. I saw a route 91 Butler Street bus outside the Wood Street subway station, and the driver of the bus was an emu. Another emu was trying to board the bus, but the driver emu insisted that no one could board without a proper rutabaga. The passenger emu offered a turnip, but the driver emu turned up his beak and drove off. Then a vendor cart rolled up the street selling rutabagas, and the passenger emu told the vendor, “Fat lot of good that does me now, I just missed my bus.”

Of course this vision requires some interpretation in order to apply it properly to your situation. After some thought, I have concluded that you ought to go into some line of trade involving the letters E-M-U, such as emulators or emulsifiers.

THE DAY DE WAYNE LEFT THE ORDER.

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I hereby call to order this meeting of the Ancient and Exalted Order of the Klu Kux Crayon. I mean the Cool Krux Can. The Kull Kax Croon. The Crew Kux Clam. Oh, for Pete’s sake, y’all, I cain’t even say the stupid name. Yeah, it’s stupid. Y’all are pathetic. Look at you. I joined the Crayon—I mean—aw, stuff it—I joined cause they said this was the way to power and influence. Y’all ain’t got no more power than a triple-A battery! Y’all are more pathetic than I am! Y’all even made me your Grand Exalted Klosprey or Klaardvark or whatever, and I work at Burger King. We ain’t never had a single man in public office in the whole dang county. Heck, we ain’t had no one on the ballot since Eustace ran for registrar of deeds, and he lost to that Catholic fella from Coosawhatchie. We just sit around in Herb’s basement drinkin’ Bud Light and usin’ up good bedsheets that Mrs. Deaver has to wash the beer stains out of every week cause no one wants to spend the fifty bucks for a regular white robe. If y’all want power and influence, join the quiltin’ club. Black lives matter, y’all. Get a life.