Posts by Dr. Boli

HANDY GUIDE TO CLOCKS.

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Grandfather clock.
Grandmother clock.
Great-uncle clock.
Maiden-aunt clock.
Second-cousin-once-removed clock.
Great-grandniece clock.
Friend-of-the-family-who-is-respectfully-called-“Uncle”-by-the-children clock.
Great-great-great-grandfather clock.

IN THE NEWS.

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Police were called again to the Blandville post of the Veterans of Pointless Wars after neighbors reported a fight. According to the police report, an argument over the admission of Sgt. Roland Wellburger escalated into a “brawl.” Sgt. Wellburger is a veteran of the invasion of Grenada, and it appears that members of the VPW post were unable to agree on whether that particular military adventure counted as pointless, or possibly whether it was a war. The exact point of disagreement could not be determined “on account of everybody talking at once.” According to sources at the Bureau of Public Safety, the VPW has a history of such incidents. Records obtained from the VPW national office show that most of the members are veterans of the War on Christmas.

ANNOUNCEMENT.

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Animatokinetimotographiscope The Latham Brothers invite the public to an exhibition of the marvelous Ani­mato­kineti­moto­graphi­scope, the Wonder of the Age, which causes living pictures endowed with every attribute of movement to be projected upon a screen, at Memorial Hall this Monday evening at 7 p.m. We have prepared a program of picture subjects that cannot fail to meet with the approval of a discerning public:

The Fat Man Who Falls Down and Gets Hurt

The Adventure of the Bent Garden Hose

Launch of the Steam Towboat Queen of McKees Rocks

Look Out Behind You!

The Silly Irishman Who Sees A Ghost and Falls Down and Gets Hurt

The Onions and the Weeping Cook

Presentation of the City Budget to the Mayor by the President of the City Council

The Pompous Society Lady Who Falls Into a Pond

Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, Falls Down and Gets Hurt

Patriotic Scenes at the Municipal Gas Works

The Funny Vagabond Who Falls Down and Gets Hurt

Remember: Other exhibitors with other devices may project moving pictures on a screen, but only the Ani­mato­kineti­moto­graphi­scope can legally be called an Ani­mato­kineti­moto­graphi­scope. Beware of trademark fraud!

ASK DR. BOLI.

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Somehow this marking found its way into Stravinsky’s Concerto for Two Pianos, making a mockery of Stravinsky’s carefully worked-out musical theories.

Dear Dr. Boli: I just ran across this quotation from Igor Stravinsky: “I consider that music is, by its very nature, essentially powerless to express anything at all, whether a feeling, an attitude of mind, or psychological mood, a phenomenon of nature, etc.” What did he mean by that? —Sincerely, Manfred Honeck.

Dear sir: He meant that music is by nature incapable of being played in a manner that could be described as accarezzevole, affannato, affetuoso, amabile, con amore, appassionato, doloroso, drammatico, espressivo, feroce, con fuoco, furioso, gaudioso, giocoso, impetuoso, lacrimoso, lusingando, melancolico, misterioso, rilassato, scherzando, serioso, sospirando, or tranquillo. When Stravinsky saw any of those markings in a score, he became molto agitato.

TELEVISION QUALITY ALERT.

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The Department of Aesthetic Protection has issued a code ORANGE Television Quality Alert for North America for Wednesday, March 16, and the remainder of the decade. A code ORANGE television quality alert means that poor writing, bad acting, general pretentiousness, and lowestcommondenominatorism may make television unhealthy for sensitive groups. Sensitive groups include children, the elderly, and people suffering from aesthetic sensitivity or higher education. The effects of television pollution can be minimized by turning off the set and reading a book.

The Department of Aesthetic Protection has also issued a code ORANGE Literary Fiction Alert.