Posts by Dr. Boli
INVESTORS NEEDED.
Shares now available in the Oceanic Marking & Marketing Corporation, formed for the purpose of manufacturing and distributing the Thalassograph, a device for marking on the surface of oceans, seas, and bays of sufficient extent, so that the sea lanes may be marked and properly divided for traveling, passing, left turns, &c.; and sponsoring advertisements, visible from passing airplanes, may be sold to defray the expense of the installation. Qualified investors will receive a stock certificate suitable for framing and a jar of water collected from the ocean, sea, or bay of sufficient extent of their choice. Write to “THALASSOGRAPH” in care of this Magazine.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
A PHRASE NO ONE WHO WRITES BOOKS FOR A LIVING COULD HAVE WRITTEN.
About Finnegans Wake: “For the next few years, Joyce worked rapidly on the new book…”
SPOT THE INTERNAL CONTRADICTION.
It’s time to play everybody’s favorite game, “Let’s Mock a Wikipedia Article Without Bothering to Improve It.” In this episode, we quote one sentence from the article on Falangism:
However, unlike other racialists such as the Nazis, Falangism is unconcerned about racial purity and does not denounce other races for being inferior, claiming “that every race has a particular cultural significance” and claiming that the intermixing of the Spanish race and other races has produced a “Hispanic supercaste” that is “ethically improved, morally robust, spiritually vigorous”.
Are you ready? Fingers on buzzers: Spot the internal contradiction.
Advertisement.
FRAGMENT OF A POEM BY
IRVING VANDERBLOCK-WHEEDLE.
Poet and novelist Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle had a fortunate escape this week when his office at Duck Hollow University caught fire. The world of literature, however, was not so fortunate. This charred scrap of paper is all that remains of the long poem Mr. Vanderblock-Wheedle had been working on for the last three years.
—to whom
But the groom?
And the broom, I assume.
But still, to resume:
From the dark weeds that bloom
Where the dank shadows loom
Comes the straggling fume of a sickly perfume
In the gloom of my womb-like tomb of a room;
Then something goes boom,
And I flee from my doom,
And I get in my car and I rev it, vroom vroom,
And I step on the pedal and fly—zoom zoom zoom!
And I spill down the hill like a log in a flume,
Vowing never to stop till I get to Khartoum,
And I—
Police and fire investigators say they are proceeding under the assumption that the fire was set deliberately.
A SERVICE OF INTEREST TO YOUNGER READERS.
Suppose you have written a thesis for your undergraduate course in Economic Inequality in the Works of Edward Lear. You have done your research thoroughly. You have read the textbook you bought for $200. You have read a number of learned articles in journals. You have even read a few of the works of Edward Lear, although frankly you couldn’t make head or tail of them and soon retreated to the soothing drone of your textbook. In short, as far as the research goes, you have done everything that was expected of you, and more besides.
But you still have nagging doubts, which are the worst kind of doubts. Your professor, an archaic fossil who has been teaching these courses since the late twentieth century, is known to grade on purely mechanical rubbish like punctuation and grammar. Can you honestly say that yours is up to snuff? How are you at punctuation and capitalization? Will your subject-verb agreement pass a careful inspection? Do you know how to form adverbs from adjectives without embarrassing yourself? Do you know how to choose the right indefinite article for any occasion?
It all sounds so daunting! But fear not, young people. There is a service that will carefully proofread your thesis for you, and not only that, but will do it while you lounge in a Jacuzzi.
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You will notice that Dr. Boli has left out the links to the Web page and email of this spa-and-proofreading service. That is because you do not need it. All you have to do is set up a Web site with a comment feature, and “jacuzzis for sale in Sun City AZ” comes to you.
THE INTERPRETATION OF STATISTICS.
Here is an interesting fact from an article on open-source software in the United Kingdom:
“Researchers found a staggering 97% of the 273 UK businesses surveyed use some form of open source software.”
What does this mean?
Assuming that all 273 businesses are connected to the Web (even the uncompromisingly Victorian James Smith & Sons umbrella shop has a Web site these days), it means that 3% are still using Internet Explorer. All other Web browsers* are based on open-source rendering engines, so if you access the Web at all, you are using some form of open-source software.
Are you still staggered?
—
*It is technically possible for one or two of these companies to be using an ancient proprietary browser from the Paleolithic era of the Internet, but the possibility is remote.
SECURITY FEATURE.
This document is impregnated with a scratch-and-sniff security odor. Before processing you should make sure that this document smells like filing cabinets and stale vending-machine pastries and despair. If it does, you may be confident that it originated in our office.
PUZZLE TIME.
