Posts by Dr. Boli
THE BATTLE OF DRBOLI.COM.
On July 21, 2021, the enemies of civilization sent their robot armies to attack the server that hosted drboli.com, the hub of Dr. Boli’s celebrated publishing empire. An army of technicians rushed to the site of the breach, but it was not easy to find where the robots had got into the server. It was not easy to find the server at all, in fact.
The site had been hosted for years by a small local hosting company, but that company had long since got out of the Web-hosting business, as a result of having found a much more lucrative niche for its services in the lawn-care industry. In fact drboli.com was the very last site it hosted, on a ten-year-old server whose very existence everyone had forgotten.
Scouts with machetes finally removed the encroaching jungle and found the server, paralyzed by the robot attack. A detachment of technicians defeated the robots, retrieved fourteen years’ worth of data, and left a “Please Stand By” notice on the server, but it was clear that a more modern host would have to be found.
We have therefore spent the past week rebuilding the site on a newer server, one less encumbered by vines. We believe the newer technology will allow us to offer more services to our readers, although if you came here looking for anything other than something to read you are probably in the wrong place.
STUNNING EVIDENCE OF BILOCATION.
Our old friend Father Pitt provides us with this picture of St. Casimir’s on the South Side, now—like many large churches in the neighborhood—converted to luxury apartments. Architecturally, it’s worth discussing—a sort of American Polish Baroque. But what our correspondent found most interesting about the picture is not evident until you enlarge it. Note the two pedestrians on the sidewalk along the side of the building.
They are the same person. All unknowing, old Pa Pitt captured an instance of bilocation on 22nd Street at the intersection with Sarah Street. He has reported this to the Catholic Diocese of Pittsburgh, but as the church building has been deconsecrated, the diocese disclaims all responsibility for instances of bilocation on profane ground. Apparently people are bilocating willy-nilly in the vicinity of old churches and nothing can be done about it.
UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA.
On June 14, 1956, Quigby Grissom, a young Beat poet, was howling into the void when something in the void howled back. He was never able to describe or explain what he had heard, but he never wrote a line of poetry again and spent the rest of his life as a mattress salesman.
WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT DR. BOLI.
Nihil obstat. —The Right Rev. Wilberforce Rankle, M.B.A., Bishop, Church of Moloch (Reformed).
I don’t get it. Is this funny? I don’t do funny. —Dan Brown.
This is to inform you that we are suing you for one million billion trillion zillion dollars for calling our client “litigious.” —Donald Trump’s Lawyer and Caddy (name withheld by request).
Five stars! Awesome service! Would buy again! —Morningside SEO and Google Ranking Improvement Services Inc.
You thought you were pretty clever, singlehandedly foiling my plot to conquer all of Europe. Well, we’ll see who has the last laugh. —Napoleon I, former emperor, now employed at Burger Yurt #27, Saw Mill Run Blvd.
According to my telepropeller, Dr. Bilo is one of the cultic treasures that make me proud to be an Armorican, and I always read what my teleproctologist says. —Joe Biden.
Bark! Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark! —Sebastian the Devil Yorkie.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.
AUXILIARY BISHOP RECOVERING FROM SEMICOLON SURGERY.
Pittsburgh (Special to the Dispatch).—Auxiliary Bishop Wendell ffigge-Barre of the West Central Northeastern North American Anglican Church (Semiliberal) is in stable condition after undergoing semicolon surgery at St. Bede’s Hospital in Esplen, according to a statement from the diocese.
“This intervention was necessary to cure Bishop ffigge-Barre’s tendency to witter on ad infinitum,” a spokesdeacon explained, reading a prepared statement.
Surgeons at St. Bede’s say that the bishop has already begun to talk in simple sentences, indicating that the procedure was a success.
PLEASE STAND BY…
…while we fight off an army of malicious hackers. Enemy agents are well aware that the key to disrupting the economy of our fair land is the control of Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Publishing Empire. They have been foiled, of course, but it may take a few days to restore normal service.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I bought a can of German beer, and on the label it says, “500 ml, 0.5 l, 50 cl.” So my question is this: How many deciliters is that? Math is hard. —Sincerely, Just Wondering.
Dear Sir or Madam: 4.71. One of the curious facts about beer as a physical substance is the property known to science as the non-conservation of deciliters. Because this property frequently confuses consumers and causes them to believe they are drinking less beer than is actually in the can, the Reinheitsgebot in Germany specifies that beer must be labeled in milliliters, liters, and centiliters, but not deciliters.
THINGS TO READ.
The Eclectic Library is constantly growing, and as it grows Dr. Boli often finds articles, poems, and whatnot in forgotten out-of-the-way places where no one would ever look for them. Since these things did not fit easily in any of the other publications in his celebrated publishing empire, he has created a home for them, which is modestly named The Argosy of Pure Delight. For example, what did Edgar Allan Poe think of Ralph Waldo Emerson?
Mr. Ralph Waldo Emerson belongs to a class of gentlemen with whom we have no patience whatever—the mystics for mysticism’s sake. Quintilian mentions a pedant who taught obscurity, and who once said to a pupil “this is excellent, for I do not understand it myself.” How the good man would have chuckled over Mr. E! His present role seems to be the out-Carlyling Carlyle. Lycophron Tenebrosus is a fool to him. The best answer to his twaddle is cui bono?—a very little Latin phrase very generally mistranslated and misunderstood—cui bono?—to whom is it a benefit? If not to Mr. Emerson individually, then surely to no man living.
Now you know. What else will you discover? Right now there are only five articles, but each one is guaranteed delightful or your money cheerfully refunded at any G. C. Murphy’s location.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
