Posts by Dr. Boli

ORDER OF EVENTS FOR THE INAUGURATION.

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Owing to inclement weather, the inauguration will be held in the old Hecht Company warehouse on New York Avenue.

1. Motorcade to the venue is lost going around Logan Circle for 34 minutes.

2. Motorcade reaches venue; argument about protocol with warehouse security guard.

3. Musical prelude by the East Sioux Falls High School Marching Band.

4. Poem: “I Am Overwhelmed by the Importance of This Occasion,” by incoming Poet Laureate Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle.

5. Musical selection: “No Motherland Without You,” performed by special guests the People’s Revolutionary Glee Club of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

6. Inauguration. (N.B.—In order to avoid bogging down the proceedings with crusty boring ritual, the President-Elect has asked that the Oath of Office be omitted on this occasion.)

7. Silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.

8. Cheeseburgers!

9. Inaugural Ball, featuring the Syrup Tones, Silver Spring’s most famous Guy Lombardo cover band.

AN OLD NURSERY RHYME.

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Tepid Teddy Tinker
Was a sloppy thinker;
When he guzzled too much wine,
Mixed up Kant and Wittgenstein.
Silly Sally Sturgeon
Took him for a surgeon,
Married him before she knew
He couldn’t tell K. from W.
Now she’s another heavy drinker,
And it’s thanks to Teddy Tinker.
Teddy Tinker, Teddy Tinker,
Wasn’t he an awful stinker?

CATCHING UP ON CORRESPONDENCE.

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It has been a few months since Dr. Boli checked the spam folder, to which a few comments from earnest readers have unaccountably been redirected. To be precise, 16,759 comments have accumulated in the folder since the last time it was emptied. Dr. Boli will not attempt to answer all of them in this article, since that would tax his readers’ patience, but he has picked out a few comments of general interest, each reproduced in full, that may serve to represent the others; and he has responded to each one of them in the honest and straightforward manner his readers have come to expect.

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Your problem is that you are still looking for Dr. Boli‘s articles on AOL. Perhaps you ought to try CompuServe, and please do not hesitate to ask if you need more help.

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No. So much for hope.

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Always a delight to receive a fan letter from James Joyce.

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The supply is indefinitely large. Dr. Boli has not run out of sarcasm yet, and he does not expect to run out at any time in the near future.

Throughout the two-day Day of the Useless get together, which is Mexico’s largest annual celebration and a national holiday as well, the main focus is all about remembering liked ones who have passed on.

This comment has left Dr. Boli thinking he ought to move to Mexico, where at last he would be appreciated at least one day in the year.

On this consideration we must always recognise that we have slipped into the area of determinism.

Indeed, slipping into the area of determinism seems almost inevitable, doesn’t it?

Although he has not obtained permission to do this, he has been abducting and converting quite a few homeless people.

You leave us hanging. Into what did he convert them? And to whom should he have applied for permission?

Hello, I appreciate that you provide detailed information about your dermocosmetics products. This allows me to make informed choices about the products I purchase.

If you have been reading the Magazine under the assumption that you were learning something useful about dermocosmetics products, might we suggest Wikipedia instead? Dr. Boli hates to turn away a reader, but it would be in your own best interest to take your information from a more reliable source. We are not responsible for dermatitis or any other injuries caused by taking our advice on dermocosmetics products.

This brilliantly demonstrated how excessive-pitched or excessive-frequency sounds can break materials apart.

Our attorneys are of the opinion that this Magazine cannot be held responsible for material damages, no matter how shrill the writing may occasionally become.

How fascinating is most of the true world as a gaming environment?

Not very.

Th is c onte nt was w​ritten wi th　t᠎he　᠎he lp ​of G​SA Conte nt Gener᠎at​or Dem oversi on!

We have decided not to purchase the full version of your software, but thank you for the demonstration.

IN LEGAL NEWS.

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The slander suit against artist Eli “Bonkers” Johnson was dismissed today in the Thirteenth District Superlative Court, in spite of the artist’s admission that he had spoken the words deemed slanderous by the plaintiff.

According to the suit brought by the Buckingham & Sanders Artist Pigments Corporation, Mr. Johnson had defamed the company’s product, and caused material harm, by stating at an artists’ conference that he “could not speak the name of that color without spitting.”

Mr. Johnson (appearing pro se) admitted that he had spoken those words, but argued that, in American libel and slander law, truth is a defense. In an unusual move, he invited Judge Ronald H. Gramophone to speak the name of the color in question. After three unsuccessful attempts to pronounce “Phthalo blue” without a considerable amount of spray, His Honor dismissed the case.

NEWLY DISCOVERED FRAGMENT OF FINNEGANS WAKE.

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James Joyce spent many years revising and rewriting Finnegans Wake. Recently the literary world was all aflutter at the news that a single manuscript page, left out of the final version, had been discovered in a locked desk drawer at the James Joyce Museyroom in Sandycove. Naturally this Magazine outbid all rivals for the exclusive privilege of printing this newfound fragment.

Inthis pilgrim age, travailing in travel, abroad aboard the SS Peter & Paul, circumpolambulating the sevensea Ossian, they put in and they pulled out at Banglelore (thricelegendary bizarre bazaar of every danglebangle), Ethiopia (Abyssinia, in all those old familiar places), Norfolk, Suffolk, Effolk, and Weffolk, till dazed they were and dazedagain (redazed) (redeezed) (rediced) (redosed) (reduced). Paleandwan, wanandpale were they, paleandpale makes paler, wanandwan makes tu. Hot Chestnuts for Everywan! Smiling at the grim ace, drinkingtheir sovereigntea, upmounted the shells higherly into a veritabobble ALP, a grievousgreat load of shells, but the Load ALPs them what ALPs themselves. Now, patience; and remember patience is the great thing, and above all things else we must avoid anything like being or becoming out of patience, you idiots. We reek-oh of Vico in

At the bottom of the page is a long and apparently critical scrawl signed by someone named Nola or Nora or some such name. Most of it is illegible, and what is legible is unprintable.

PARADOXES OF HUMAN BEHAVIOR.

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You just missed it.

Gates’ Paradox: People know that Microsoft Windows will frustrate them, cost hours of lost work time every day, and eventually destroy their data, yet they still choose it as the safe alternative.

The Gasoline Fallacy: Gasoline prices are always posted in figures ending in nine mills, even though, logically, if such a convention were genuinely usfeul in marketing, it would have been adopted for every other product.

The Trolley Conundrum: Even though the streetcars run on a regular and predictable schedule, the answer to the question “When does the next car leave?” is always “Thirty seconds before you get to the stop.”

The Paradox Paradox: Intelligent readers will peruse a list of paradoxical human behaviors on the Internet and nod sagely, and then go back out into the world and continue committing all the same fallacies and absurdities.

Boli’s Disappointment: People know the punch line will not be a sufficient reward to compensate for the effort, yet they still read the joke through to the end.