Posts by Dr. Boli

DEVIL KING KUN.

Some years ago, Dr. Boli published the first chapter of this astonishing serial. Here it is again, because at long last the rest of this heart-pounding tale of adventure is ready to see the light of day, a chapter a day for the entire month.

CHAPTER ONE. On the Trail of an Archfiend.

Devil-King-KunI was sitting up reading late one evening, at the end of what I may truly call in hindsight the last ordinary day of my existence, when my man Banks came padding into the room.

“Excuse me, sir. A gentleman to see you.”

At that moment the clock beside me struck eleven—the last hour I would ever hear it strike.

“Who would be calling at this hour?” I asked. “Well, show him in.”

But that proved unnecessary, as the gentleman in question appeared in the doorway, pushing his way past Banks, who shrugged and padded off into the pantry. It was my old friend and former colleague Norbert Weyland—the square, resolute jaw and piercing blue eyes were unmistakable.

“Good old Peevish!” he greeted me cheerfully, turning out the overhead light. “Didn’t expect me at this hour, did you?” He yanked the desk lamp out of its socket. “In fact, didn’t expect me back from Tierra del Fuego at all, I’ll wager. How are you, old boy?” He stepped into the bathroom for a moment and flushed the night light down the toilet. “You look fit and happy, or at least you did when I could see you. Now, bolt all your doors, lock your windows, nail the cat flap shut, push heavy furniture in front of the vents, stop all your drains, stack telephone books on the toilet lid, and put child safety covers on all your electrical outlets. There. Expeditiously done, old boy, especially in the dark. Now write a note to whom it may concern saying that you’ve moved to Kansas City and taken a job selling beets from a cart with no fixed address. Splendid. I always could rely on you to take directions. And now, I expect you’re wondering what all this is about.”

“A little,” I admitted.

In the dim illumination from the streetlights outside, I could see his silhouette: he was peering intently through the window. “Fact is, I’ve come here on the trail of an archfiend.”

“A what?”

“An archfiend. It’s a bit like an archbishop, but fiendier. Anyway, that’s why I came back from Tierra del Fuego, by way of Sao Paolo, Chittagong, Lagos, Tristan da Cunha, and Monroeville, following his fiendish trail. But now it looks as though the wily devil is on my trail instead. If we’re lucky, I gave him the slip on my way here. If we’re not—well…”

“But who is this fiend? It’s not like you to be rattled like this.”

“He has many names,” Weyland said softly. “Irving Spatz, for one. Alias Manuel Ormsby, alias Rudolphus Cramm, alias Jimmy Smatter the Dancing Barber of the Boulevard of the Allies, alias President James Buchanan, alias Sir George Pickerel-Farmington, alias Blanche ‘Boom Boom’ Helmholtz, alias Weng Fao of the Sûreté, alias the Great Blando; but he is known to his legions of fanatical followers as Kun, the devil king.”

“Why would they follow someone they think of as the devil?”

“He gives them free beer. Do you see the fiendishly intricate brilliance of the man’s mind?”

He turned to face me, or at least it sounded as though he was facing me now. “Peevish, old man, you need to know the facts. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say the future of our race depends on my success.”

“What race is that?” I asked, rather stupidly I fear.

“The African, North and South American, Asian, Australian, European, and Oceanian race. In other words, the non-Andorran race.”

“Well, that’s a strange way of putting it.”

“Not if you know Kun, the devil king. He has sworn destruction or slavery to all non-Andorrans. In his mind, he is the messiah of the Andorran race, a race peculiarly formed of two of the great conquering peoples of the world, and a race as it were distilled and epitomized in himself. His keen Andorran brain combines all the Spanish passion and Jesuitical intellectual precision with all the French dexterity with sauces. He knows that the eighty-five thousand restless Andorrans only await their leader, and he knows that they will be invincible with him at their head.”

“But what kind of name is Kun for a man from Andorra? It doesn’t sound Catalan, or French or Spanish for that matter.”

“We think it’s an acronym.”

“An acronym? But an acronym for what?”

“Ah, Peevish, old boy, if we knew that!”

“And you say this Kun means to enslave us all?” I still found it difficult to believe that such evil could exist in the world.

“Yes, and I have good reason to believe I know where he intends to start. And that’s why I have to warn the archbishop.”

“Who?”

“The archbishop. He’s like an archfiend, but on our side. And that’s where you come in, Peevish, old man. We’ll be needing your car. That, in fact, is why I came to you. No one else drives a car as blandly inconspicuous as yours. It is positively the only vehicle in which we have any chance of reaching our destination.”

“I’ll have Banks bring it round,” I told Weyland; and I immediately rang for Banks.

When I received no reply after half a minute, I rang again. There was still no reply.

I called out. “Banks! Banks, stop lallygagging about and get the car ready!”

Suddenly I felt a hand grip my arm. “Peevish!” Weyland whispered. “Where did you leave Banks?”

“Last time I saw, he was headed for the pantry.”

“Where is the pantry?”

“It’s just back there, through the library and the music room, down the hall past the conservatory and through the dining room. You can’t miss it. It’s a small apartment, after all.”

“Lead the way. I fear the worst.”

I led him through the darkened apartment until at last we reached the pantry, which I announced by saying, “This is the pantry.”

“Put on the light,” he said.

I did.

The scene of horror that met my eyes was so unexpected that at first I could not parse it at all. Banks was there on the floor; or, rather, his legs were there. The rest of him was completely obscured by a gigantic anvil that had evidently been dropped on him from the ceiling. Some of the hoisting tackle was still scattered about the pantry.

“The fiend!” Weyland whispered, with a peculiar combination of frustration and disgust. “I should have known! He got Sir Gregory Pramwheeler the same way.”

“But how did he get an anvil into my apartment? And how did he hoist it and drop it without our hearing it?”

“You see now what we’re up against,” Weyland replied grimly.

—

Don’t miss tomorrow’s thrilling episode:

SONATA OF DOOM.

FAMOUS GOURMETS OF HISTORY.

Marooned on a bleak windswept island for three and a half months, the Duke of Creasing ate his own boots cut into medallions and served with a light basil cream sauce.

The Roman emperor Fastidius ate only peanut butter and jelly, both procured from still-unknown sources at ruinous expense.

Louis Comte de Villaine once threw an entire dinner out the window because he didn’t like the way the prawns were looking at him. A passing prawn-covered gendarme was not amused, and the Comte spent thirty days in jail for “negligent battery with a comestible item or items.”

Mrs. Alexandra Kostka of Polish Hill always arranges her pierogies with the fold on a north-south axis, making sure to take into account the difference between magnetic north and true north.

Reginald Wallburton would not put milk or cream in his coffee until he was assured that it came from cows of a particular bloodline, all descended from a legendary nineteenth-century cow known as Butterface Bertha.

 

YET MORE SURREALISM FROM TYPE SPECIMENS.

Looked at in a certain way, it might be discouraging to Dr. Boli that some of the most popular articles he has ever published have not been the ones he took such infinite care to write himself, but his random collections of type specimens with curiously surreal texts. Looked at in another way, it might be heartening to have discovered a quick way of pleasing the masses of readers while one is working on larger projects. These specimens all come from one catalogue, an 1895 specimen book of the Cleveland Type Company.

you-bet

the-nondescript

grumble

yankee-boys

very-laughable

teach-fret-mind

unreliable-lightning-gaugers

politicians-campaigns

laws-and-crime

can-you-wish

secluded-damsels-fair

enforced-sale

IN SCIENCE NEWS.

Dr. Bill Gargling of the Young Earth Institute has published a new variant of young-earth creationism in the Institute’s journal, Creation Studies. According to Dr. Gargling, the universe was created by God last Tuesday with the appearance of age, including our own complete memories of previous existence. The Institute is offering a $10,000 reward to anyone who can prove Dr. Gargling’s theory wrong. Dr. Gargling, having received a number of applications for the reward already, informs prospective applicants that calling him a moron will not be accepted as conclusive proof.

FROM THE JOURNALS OF LEWIS AND CLARK.

May 5, 1805.

[Clark.] i am riting in the Jernal this Evning becaus Lewis cant spel wirth a Durn. We left Fort Claptrap in the Morening very hungary, & Lewis said we ott to hunt Dear, but the Dear in this Contrie are Armd with Carbines & make por Sport, so we were very hungary untill Diner, when falling in with Nativs of the Sha-la-la Nation, we were conduckted to their large double-wide house, where they servd us a Repast of long ropes of Grane flower, which in their Tung they call Spag-het-tee. i observ that heere grow the Apples commun to our contrie, except that heere the Apples are of a Yello culler & ob-long shape, & hang in grate Clustres: so they tolled me, but i never saw the Trees, & firthermore i observ that the Apples hav markes on their Skinns with the word Chi-qui-ta, which is the Sha-la-la goddis of Frute. Lewis spent the Evning makeing a confounded Fule of himself over the Cheef’s pretty Daugter, but she payed him no Nevermined, & had ize onely for Me. lodgd last Nite at a grate house kept by the Sha-la-las for Wayfairers, which in their Tung is called Mo-tel-six.

[Lewis.] I hav started my own Jornil becos Clark cant spel wurth a Dern. Our accomadasions at Fort Claptrap beeing nun of the Best, wee left erly & preepared to hunt dere; but Clark beeing the grosse Cowerd he is turnd tale & ran at his 1st site of a Buck, & made sutch a Noyse about it that the dere wer Spookt & wee had no meet. In this contree I note that the Rocks gro to a Prodijus size, which I atribute to the nattural Feccunditty of the soyl. There is also a kind of boosh or Tree whitch gros long fybers whitch in the Sha-la-la langwidge are named Spag-gitty, & whitch the natives cook & eat with a Soss made of tomayters. I hav not seen the Tree, but we et the fybers last Eevning with a friendly tribe of Sha-la-las, who also gave us sum Froot cald in theyre langwidge Ba-na-na-na, whitch is theyre word for plum. Clark embarist hisself makeing Gew-gew eyes at the dauhter of the Chefe all nite, but she ignord him & made eyes at me insted.

STILL MARVELING AT MACHINE INTELLIGENCE.

Google Photos has all sorts of tricks up its sleeve. One is “Estimated Locations,” by which it can identify where your picture was taken just by looking at it. Our friend Father Pitt provides us with a few examples, though he was very reluctant to show them, because they are unedited and therefore full of lens distortion and other embarrassments.

This picture was taken in Oxford just around the corner from the Ashmolean Museum.

PICT5952

Father Pitt swears he was standing across the street from the Kaufmann’s department store in Pittsburgh when he took it, but apparently his lens has a longer range than he remembers.

This one is in the middle of Tower Bridge in London:

PICT0195 - PICT0199_exposure_layers_0002

It appears to be part of the central tower of East Liberty Presbyterian Church in Pittsburgh (which Father Pitt intended to be part of a giant composite picture of the church), but appearances can be deceiving.

This one is in Bath:

 

100_8129

—or at least Google says it’s in Bath, but then shows us a map of Salisbury:

Bath UK 2

Close enough. Father Pitt says the building bears an astonishing resemblance to the Burke Building on Fourth Avenue in Pittsburgh, but he bows before the superior intelligence of the machine.

But it is possible to fool Google. The machine identifies this as a photo from France:

Phipps-Conservatory-2019-06-16-Red-Vineyards-Near-Arles-01

 

Ha! Father Pitt put some effort into fooling Google here. This is Phipps Conservatory’s version of Red Vineyards Near Arles by Vincent van Gogh, rendered in plants. Phipps Conservatory is not near Arles at all! We sure fooled Google this time.

 

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.


On this day in 1858, Abraham Lincoln and Stephen A. Douglas began debating in their campaign for an Illinois senate seat. They finished debating on October 15 of that year, by which time they both needed a long drink of water. Following the usual American tradition, Lincoln won the debate, so Douglas was given the Senate seat.

TRANSLATE THIS.

“Would you like to translate this page?” Chrome asks.

Araceae-untranslated

The page in question is simply a list of species in the family Araceae (the arum family, which includes the locally abundant Jack-in-the-Pulpit, as well as familiar ornamentals like Callas, Philodendrons, and Anthuriums) that grow in southwestern Pennsylvania.

Pushing the translate button was too great a temptation. This was the result:

Araceae-translated

Although most of these terms turn out to be the same in Latin and in English, there are some actual translations. For example, it turns out that “foetidus” is “smelly.” Good job, Google! It also turns out that the arum family in Latin is the tomato family (Solanaceae) in English. “Atrorubens,” which Dr. Boli had thought meant something like “dark red,” turns out to mean “McNeal” instead. And “Symplocarpus” means “Robinsonella,” which “is a genus of flowering plant in the family Malvaceae,” according to the omniscient Wikipedia; that is to say, a genus of plants that have nothing to do with the arum family.

The algorithms that produced these translations are probably opaque to human understanding, but it is comforting to know that the era of reliable machine translation has arrived at last.