Posts by Dr. Boli

WHAT DO WE THINK OF G.B.S.?

A young friend who was in high school as recently as 1940 was telling Dr. Boli a story about his school days. He remembered an English test on which one of the questions was “Who is the greatest living playwright in the English language?”

Our young friend answered “Noel Coward,” but his answer was marked wrong. The correct answer was “George Bernard Shaw.”

There was a long period when it was a known fact that George Bernard Shaw was our greatest living playwright. It was propagated as certain knowledge by English teachers, newspaper critics, and movie newsreels. It was as much an undisputed fact as that Belgrade was the capital of Yugoslavia, or that there were nine planets in the solar system. From one source to another, the knowledge spread as undeniable truth.

But where did this supposed fact come from? How did such a consensus develop? Looking back on those years, Dr. Boli has come to a conclusion that seems obvious in hindsight. Those ripples of certainty moving across the stagnant pond of English literary thought emanated from George Bernard Shaw himself. He himself told us that he was our greatest playwright, our clearest thinker, our wittiest conversationalist, our most important intellectual; and he told it to us so insistently and so often that we came to believe him. After all, he ought to know.

Some of that reputation persists to this day. In his Wikipedia article, we read that “His ironic wit endowed English with the adjective ‘Shavian’, used to characterize observations such as: ‘My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.’” This is, Dr. Boli believes, a fair and typical sample of the ironic wit Shaw employs sparingly in his essays.

Dr. Boli brings up Shaw because he was just reading some of those essays, which he does every few decades or so. He was hoping that, having passed his second century a while back, he would at last be old enough to appreciate the gigantic intellect of G.B.S. But alas, it seems he will need a few more decades. The word that currently comes quickest to his tongue to describe Shaw’s writing is “insufferable.”

It is not that Dr. Boli disagrees with what Shaw is saying. One must expect that one will have some differences of opinion with any writer; Dr. Boli enjoys many writers whose politics he finds simply abominable. No, the insufferable thing is Shaw’s way of insisting that he himself is infallibly right, and that you are either in agreement with him or too stupid even to be worth the trouble of convincing. This is the sort of attitude that wins followers among the weak-minded; Dr. Boli has seen more than one insufferably pedantic high-school history teacher surrounded by a groveling rabble of admirers who spent their spare time reading Ayn Rand.

But what does the rest of the world think of G.B.S. these days? Dr. Boli was surprised to discover that a Google search for those once-famous initials demands quite a bit of scrolling before one comes to anything to do with George Bernard Shaw. He was surprised, but apparently he was small-minded enough to be pleased, to see that at least two unpleasant diseases have crowded Shaw out of the first page of search results.

So Dr. Boli throws the question open to the Internet at large. Do we still think G.B.S. was the towering figure of his age, the greatest intellectual of the first half of the twentieth century? Or do we just shrug and think that he wrote some plays that were amusing in their way?

And if not Shaw, then who was the greatest living playwright in 1940? Dr. Boli saw a splendid production of Blithe Spirit in Pittsburgh last year, and on the strength of it he is inclined to say that the greatest English-speaking playwright alive in 1940 was Noel Coward.

WORLD’S MOST EXPENSIVE CHEESES.

In 2005, the International Olympic Committee agreed to accept the necessary bribes from Great Britain for the 2012 London Olympics in the form of unpasteurized Stilton.

By European Union regulation, certain protected cheese appellations in Italy may not be mentioned in conversation without a credit check.

The Shah of Iran once handed over fifteen dissidents for a single pound of Chevrotin-du-Ciel.

According to instructions distributed to various host venues by the Donald Trump campaign, the American cheese in any cheeseburger consumed by Mr. Trump must be wrapped in edible gold leaf.

In 1997, a wheel of Sainte-Margot-des-Vidanges exploded in storage, destroying 1.8 square kilometers of the warehouse district of Vidanges. Damage was estimated at $384,900,000.

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.

On this day in 1662, the Act of Uniformity required all Englishmen to be five feet eight inches tall with light brown hair and blue eyes.

HELPFUL HOUSEHOLD HINTS.

Make a list of all the lists in your house.

Clean your refrigerator once a month with an industrial sander.

When you buy a new table, take a detailed overhead photograph of the surface. Then, if the table becomes stained or scratched, you can print the photograph at 1:1 scale and paste it over the tabletop.

Keep a pet leopard to discourage unwanted interruptions.

Napkins will fold themselves if you instill proper discipline in them from a young age.

Many stubborn stains can be undone with a simple time machine.

Instead of ironing clothes individually, fold them and stack them in a single pile, and then leave them under your anvil overnight.

Keep children’s rooms tidy all year by sending the children to boarding school and summer camp.

THE STATE OF AESTHETICS IN NORTH AMERICA TODAY.

If you wish to understand the state of aesthetics in modern Western civilization, the site of the Monument Builders of North America is all the education you need.

It is simultaneously depressing, horrifying, and hilarious, a kind of Doctor Strangelove of Web sites.

From it we also learn that the Funeral and Memorial Information Council has claimed “Have the talk of a lifetime” as a service mark for the pre-need-planning business. Evelyn Waugh could not have invented that slogan.

Nevertheless, the site does tell us that people still desperately want representational art for their cemetery monuments—an observation confirmed by our friend Father Pitt, who reports that there is not a single monument dealer in Allegheny County who does not have a gravestone shaped like a motorcycle prominently displayed in front of his shop.

COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.

Come to the St. Britney Parish Festival for the usual artery-clogging fried foods, drunken teenagers, atrocious local cover bands, and rigged games. This year’s theme is “Celebrating the Virtue of Honesty.” On Friday at 7 p.m. we’ll have a ceremony marking the official adoption of our new parish mission statement: “We don’t just have a mission. We have a mission statement.”

Brackenridge Avenue will be closed between Bland Street and the cliff while a crew from the Yohogania Electric Light Company attempts to repair the water main. The foreman of the crew says that it will give his workers a nice change from being up in those bucket things all day, and anyway they couldn’t possibly do a worse job of it than the guys from the water company.

Police have issued a warning to all residents of our community to be on the alert for a scam in which two men dressed in police uniforms visit offices of local publications and attempt to warn them about a scam of some sort. Police could not say what the motive of the two men might be.

With the first day of school just around the corner, Blandville Elementary School reminds parents that all students are required to have a Number 2 pencil. Any student bringing a Number 1 or Number 3 pencil to school will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

State Representative Letitia Wangle has asked us to announce that her satellite office on Bland Street does not provide actual satellites to constituents. Apparently some of you were confused about that.