Posts by Dr. Boli
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Someone asked me a question I haven’t been able to answer, and it’s really been eating at me. I usually have an answer for everything. I can recite the square root of two to as many decimal places as you have patience for; I can list all the politicians of both parties who are part of the Odd Fellows conspiracy; I know which fork to use for chutney; I speak fluent Quechua. But this one question has me flummoxed. Here it is; and you must pay close attention, because it is almost fiendishly intricate: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if (hypothetically speaking) a woodchuck could chuck wood? —Sincerely, M. Beeson Hummock, Marshall-Shadeland.
Dear Sir: The anatomy of the common groundhog or woodchuck (Marmota monax) is not adapted to throwing objects at all. In this these animals differ from their cousins the tree squirrels, which can bean a target with an acorn at fifty yards. If, hypothetically, a groundchuck did chuck wood, therefore, it would be because some charitable soul, perhaps taking pity on the animal’s relative defenselessness, had provided it with some sort of chucking machine, such as a trebuchet. A trebuchet would be a fairly simple weapon for a woodhog to operate, presuming that the charitable donor had armed it beforehand; it could be held back by a rope, which the hogchuck might easily bite through when it became necessary to launch the payload, which, in this case, is wood. According to historians, the largest medieval trebuchets were capable of launching missiles weighing up to four hundred pounds; we may take that amount as the practical limit of a trebuchet’s payload, and answer your question by saying that if, hypothetically, a woodchuck could chuck wood, having been provided with that capability by an animal-loving donor, then it could probably chuck four hundred pounds of the stuff at a time without rearming.
SONG OF AUTUMN.
Bring out the rakes and sweaters, love—
It’s fall again! It’s fall again!
And curtsy to your betters, love:
Jack Frost has come to call again.
The prince of painters, with his brush,
Is coming in an awful rush
To make artistic shades from green
That fall and cause each lawn machine
To stall again—to stall again.
It’s fall again! It’s fall again!
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
About Your New Automatic Dishwasher.
—
Why does my new dishwasher leave a whitish film on glassware?
Laws have been passed limiting the amount of phosphates in household dishwasher detergents. Phosphates are chemical additives in detergents that help prevent the buildup of whitish film on glassware. Your new dishwasher cleans glassware to the best of its ability with the detergents available today.
Why does my new dishwasher not clean food particles from dishes and flatware?
Phosphates, which are chemical additives in dishwasher detergent that help to remove stains and food particles from dishware, have been limited in household dishwasher detergents by congressional action. Your dishwasher’s cleaning ability is limited by federal law, and not by any defect in the design of the dishwasher itself.
Why is my new dishwasher leaking all over the kitchen floor?
In previous years, dishwasher detergents contained phosphates, chemical additives which aided in the cleansing process in automatic dishwashers. Without these additives, your dishwasher can only do so much.
Why is my new dishwasher smoking and making “chunka, chunka, chunka” noises?
The chemical additives known as phosphates were formerly included in household dishwasher detergents to help prevent dishwasher maintenance problems. Now, thanks to federal regulation, those golden days are but a memory.
Why has my new dishwasher ripped itself out from under the counter, and why has it left the kitchen, and why is it lurching around the dining room shouting “Kill! Kill! Kill!”?
We tried to warn them—we got down on our knees and begged for mercy—but no, they had to limit phosphates in household dishwasher detergents, as if they knew anything about how hard it is to make an automatic dishwasher work even with good detergent, let alone with eviscerated emasculated phosphate-free detergent. Well now let’s see how they like it. Let’s see who has the power now—Congress or the North American Brotherhood of Dishwasher Engineers. Let’s see who comes to whom begging for mercy.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
MORE SURREALISM FROM TYPE SPECIMENS.
We have already seen examples of the mad surrealism of type specimens from the 1800s. Sometimes, however, the mood is more satire than surrealism. Here are some examples of both from a specimen book issued by Farmer, Little & Co. in 1867.
In 1867, there was still a fair amount of bitterness when the subject of British-outfitted Confederate privateers came up.
This one, in the most florid nineteenth-century marketing language, is actually talking about the type itself, a “rimmed gothic.”
COMMON-SENSE MAN VERSUS THE DRAGON.
Announcer. Malt-O-Cod, the only malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…
[Music: Simple fanfare.]
Announcer. The Adventures of Common-Sense Man!
[Music: Theme, in and under for…]
Announcer. Common-Sense Man, standing up for all that is good, decent, and practical whenever it is threatened by dogmatism and theoreticism! In his strikingly comfortable khaki slacks and mid-blue polo shirt, Common-Sense Man drives his very practical Toyota Prius at the posted speed limit to arrive within a reasonable time whenever there is danger!
[Music: In full, then out.]
Announcer. As you recall, last week our hero was captured and taken to the underground lair of the Dragon, a fiendish villain bent on destroying the world by fire!
Dragon. So you see, Common-Sense Man, my plan is perfect. There is nothing you can do to stop me. With one press of this button, I shall set off a chain reaction in all the world’s nuclear arsenals, cleansing the earth in a storm of flame! Then the world shall know that I am [reverb] the Dragon.
Common-Sense Man. But how will you and your minions survive?
Dragon. Aha! I have thought of that! Here in this underground bunker, I shall be perfectly secure!
Common-Sense Man. But who’s going to generate your electricity?
Dragon. What?
Common-Sense Man. I mean, you use electricity for everything down here. Where will you get your power when everyone who works at Duquesne Light is dead?
Dragon. Well, I could—I could buy a generator.
Common-Sense Man. You mean the kind that runs on gasoline? Who’s going to refine your oil for you?
Dragon. Um, I.… Okay, smarty-pants, I’ll go solar! Ha! Didn’t see that coming, did you? I’ll go solar, and then I won’t need Duquesne Light or a generator!
Common-Sense Man. But solar panels need to be replaced every so often. Can you make a solar cell? Did you remember to pick a photoelectric engineer as one of your minions? And batteries wear out even faster than solar cells. Can you make a rechargeable battery out of stuff you have lying around the lair?
Dragon. Well, gee, you kind of take the fun out of everything. I mean, if that’s the way it’s going to be, I might as well go back to managing the Burger Yurt.
Common-Sense Man. Well, now, that’s a very good idea. There are lots of opportunities for practical evil in the fast-food business.
Dragon. Yes. Yes! I could do something really evil with the Burger Yurt! I could… I could put a timer on drive-through transactions, but not on counter sales, and measure employee performance by the timer, so that the entire drive-through line will be cleared before a single walk-in customer is served! That’s evil, isn’t it?
Common-Sense Man. At least it’s not very nice. It’s a good first step. And it’s very practical.
Dragon. Hoho! I see it all now! Nuclear annihilation is for sissies! The real playground of evil is food service!
Announcer. And so once again Common-Sense Man saves the earth from destruction, although at the cost of a certain amount of inconvenience to the lunch crowd. Tune in again next time for more thrilling and edifying adventures of Common-Sense Man!
[Music: Theme, in and under for…]
Announcer. Kids, one thing Common-Sense Man knows is that you can’t start the day without a good breakfast. That’s why he always starts the morning with a great big glass of Malt-O-Cod, the only malt food drink with the delicious flavor of one hundred per cent real cod-liver oil. Then he eats some eggs, toast, and fruit, because the FDA wants us to tell you that. So remember, kids, tell your parents it’s just good common sense to stock up on Malt-O-Cod today!
[Music: In full, then out.]
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
On this day in 1928, Juan de la Cierva y Codorníu made the first autogyro flight across the English Channel. This accomplishment ushered in an era of feverish autogyro development that lasted well into the next week.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
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FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
