Posts by Dr. Boli
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I was having an argument with this friend of mine. He said Columbus discovered America, and I said no, he didn’t, because it was already discovered by the Norse, and it wasn’t their fault if southern Europeans were totally ignorant of the basic facts of geography. But he wouldn’t stop arguing with me, so I slugged him. What do you think? —Sincerely, Sarah Bjornson, Mrs. Post’s Eighth-Grade World Cultures Class.
Dear Miss: Dr. Boli is not sure that he agrees with either of you, although he is quite certain that he does not wish to be slugged.
No matter how thoroughly established it is that the Norse came to America first, they did very little with the place. Apart from establishing a sickly colony on Greenland that straggled on for a few centuries before winking out with a whisper, they made no permanent impression on the Americas at all. It was Columbus who opened the way for the round of conquests and exterminations that marked the first truly successful European discovery of America.
There are, however, those who say that perhaps Columbus gets a little too much credit for discovering America. He did, after all, set out toward the Indies by going west from Europe. Under those circumstances, it would have been a much greater feat to miss America. In years to come, one explorer after another, looking for the fabled Northwest Passage, would attempt to miss America and fail completely. Sooner or later, no matter how hard they tried, they all ran smack into America. So it would really have been something if Columbus had failed to discover America. The place is just always underfoot.
On the other hand, Columbus would never have come to America if he had not set out for the Indies; and he would not have set out for the Indies if he had not made the pigheaded assumption that he knew the size of the earth better than the best scientific minds of his day. Columbus does deserve that much credit: he was a stubborn old coot, and his stubbornness made him immortal.
What Dr. Boli wonders is why no one gives credit to the anonymous Asians who first discovered America by stumbling drunkenly across the Bering land bridge. Their descendants built sprawling cities, caused environmental catastrophes, hunted whole species to extinction, and did all the other things we normally expect from truly successful discoverers of a new world. Why do we not give them the credit they deserve, or at least a holiday with a parade?
IN THE NEWS.
The Department of Homeland Security has issued an appeal to the public for information on the whereabouts of terrorist Bozar the Clown, who continues his rampage across the tri-state area. According to reports gathered from law-enforcement authorities in eight counties, in the last three days Mr. Bozar turned off three televisions in Mitzy’s Diner in Oakdale, left a box of rhyming dictionaries on the front stairs of St. Prisca Lutheran Church in West View just before the Saturday-night contemporary liturgy, installed egg-and-dart crown molding in several rooms of the IBM Building on the North Side, and placed a copy of the Dover edition of Vitruvius on the desk of every professor in the Carnegie-Mellon department of architecture. In light of Mr. Bozar’s ongoing activities, the national terror alert level has been upgraded from purple to puce.
TONIGHT ON DUMONT.
Liturgy Cop (Ecclesiastical Crime Drama). Summoned to St. Aquila Lutheran Church by reports of hymnodic irregularities, Challoner discovers a far more sinister plot against liturgical correctness when he notices the acolyte lighting the candles out of order. Check local listings. Some material may not be suitable for children of the Sixties.
DR. SCHNEE’S FOUR-CELL BATH.
Dr. Boli offers these illustrations from a 1905 catalog of electro-medical instruments without much comment, except to say that he believes he remembers His Majesty the Emperor Ming the Merciless employing a similar device.
If you were thinking of filming a new version of Bride of Frankenstein, or perhaps a steampunk version of Doctor Faustus, this catalog is a treasury of set-design ideas. We apologize in advance to New Zealanders and others who may not be able to see all these pictures, but we have made a serious attempt to pick out the very best ones and make them available worldwide.
Are you afflicted with lupus or similar diseases? “The experiments made by Professor Finsen have shown that lupus and similar diseases can be cured by a very powerful light, provided that the tissues to be treated have been rendered anaemic, so that the light can penetrate far enough without being absorbed by the blood.” Thus we have this Apparatus for the Treatment of Lupus, etc., by Prof. Finsen’s Method, which we assure you is not horrifying in the least:
MEDICAL RULES OF THUMB.
Have someone help you compare the distance between your temples to the distance between the bridge of your nose and your lower lip. Early detection is crucial.
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If your third toe is longer than your second, you are probably mad.
Your eyebrows should be no thicker than 20% of their length; if they are thicker than that, you may require corrective surgery.
When you step on the scale, the number you see should make you feel inadequate. If it does not, you are abnormal.
Seeing spots before your eyes is often a sign that you need to redecorate.
If the fingernails on one of your hands are noticeably longer than those on the other, you are probably a classical guitarist, and should purchase an expensive Spanish guitar immediately.
Ask your doctor to calculate your Body Mass Index, and then use variations of that number to play the lottery.
You will never really know whether your head is normally shaped until you shave it bald.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.
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