Posts by Dr. Boli

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COLD-BLOODED REPTILE wanted to head large federal agency responsible for collection of government revenue. Must have no political opinions, human sympathy, or pride. Ideal candidate will have thick skin such as found on crocodile or Komodo dragon.

ABOUT TO GRADUATE? If you have a high-school diploma, come to the Agricultural Job Fair at the convention center, Friday, 4-8 p.m. Positions now open for motivated peasants. Are you looking to bind yourself to a plot of land owned by a major agricultural corporation?

READERS WRITE.

we-the-people

On the subject of the Constitutional Convention in 1787, reader Mike Weatherford writes:

I’m currently reading Catherine Drinker Bowen’s Miracle at Philadelphia. Excellent book, well-written, and not dull. It’s a miracle that anything got done with such a collection of political hotheads. That the final document has served us so well for so long is a tribute to their tenacity and vision.

Dr. Boli agrees that our current Constitution is a tribute to the tenacity of the hotheads in Philadelphia. He has always suspected that delegates finally succeeded in coming to agreement on both the Declaration of Independence and, eleven years later, the Constitution because both assemblies were held in Philadelphia in the summer. A summer in Philadelphia makes any compromise seem preferable to spending another day in Philadelphia; the beastly heat would eventually wear down the most intransigent sectionalist. It can hardly be coincidence that, when the time came to pick a permanent national capital, the founders of our nation settled on the one site where the summer climate was even worse. Dr. Boli believes that much reform could be accomplished simply by prohibiting air conditioning in both houses of Congress.

As for our founders’ vision, at last count 27 serious errors in the original Constitution have been discovered and corrected. Furthermore, at least one of those corrections was itself a serious error.

Dr. Boli believes, in fact, that the great strength of our Constitution is its lack of vision, or even principle. Delegates committed to democracy would have insisted that the president be elected by the people. Delegates committed to aristocracy would have insisted that the president be chosen by the Senate. Delegates committed to getting out of Philadelphia before their brains melted into their collars were willing to accept the positively lunatic compromise that the people should vote for a number of electors more or less proportional to the populations of their states, but giving slightly more influence to the smaller states, and then those electors should meet and vote for the president. They did not accept it because anyone was happy about that idea, but because no one was more unhappy about it than he was about being stuck in Philadelphia in the summer.

Any number of other nations have imposed perfectly rational constitutions on their people, and the end result has always been a descent into tyranny and massacre. We grudgingly accepted a bundle of half-baked compromises that no sane person could enthusiastically embrace, and we have toddled along pretty well with it for a while now.

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.

On this day in 1787, delegates from the thirteen states assembled in Philadelphia with the ostensible purpose of revising the Articles of Confederation. In reality, their secret intention was to replace the existing government altogether with a completely new constitution. The convention, which straggled on into the middle of September, still holds the record as the longest and dullest coup d’état in history.

HOW INFORMED ARE AMERICAN CITIZENS?

The Duck Hollow University Department of Applied Speculative Research recently distributed a long survey in order to answer the two related questions “How well informed are American citizens?” and “How willing are American citizens to waste their time filling out long surveys?” Among the more interesting and suggestive results:

To the question “Who is Barack Obama?” 19% of respondents answered “George W. Bush” and 27% answered “The Battle of Camifex Ferry.”

Asked to point out the Straits of Magellan on a map, more than 52% of respondents went over to the coffee machine instead.

37% of respondents identified Islam as “a spice used in Thai curry.”

More than 8% of respondents were unable to identify Kathleen Merrigan as the Deputy Secretary of Agriculture, even when presented with a photograph.

61% of respondents believed that global warming is caused by evolution.

Respondents were asked to name their U.S. representatives, but evidently they misunderstood the question, as their responses were unprintable.

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From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,

Second Series.

lost-chord

Sullivan, Sir Arthur. It was not revealed until many years after his death that Sir Arthur Sullivan’s famous “Lost Chord” was in fact stolen. Fearing a scandal, Sir Arthur had refused to refer the matter to the police.

NERGAL-SHAREZER THE RABMAG INTERPRETS YOUR DREAMS.

Dear Mr. the Rabmag: Last night I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls, with vassals and serfs at my side; and, of all who assembled within those walls, that I was the hope and the pride. I had riches too great to count—could boast of a high ancestral name. But I also dreamt, which pleased me most, that you loved me still the same. What do you think it means? —Sincerely, Arline.

Dear Madam: Doubtless this dream represents a dim memory of your tragic origin story, and it is likely that you are well on your way to becoming a supervillain, if indeed you are not one already. The one consoling observation is the last part of the dream, which suggests that you may also be mad. Most supervillains are mad, and their madness invariably leads them to overstep the bounds of prudence in the execution of their diabolical plots. Although you will handily outwit the local police, and the entire United Nations will cower prostrate at your feet, it should be a relatively simple matter for the nearest costumed hero to foil your plot to destroy the world. You need not worry yourself too much about that, however: although you will appear to have perished in the blazing inferno that consumes your lair, future sequels will reveal that you survived by means of some exceedingly implausible plot contrivance.