Posts by Dr. Boli
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I was cleaning off unwanted papers from my desk the other day when I suddenly realized I had unknowingly run my bucket list through the shredder!
My wife tells me, “When life gives you confetti, throw yourself a party.” But I am still feeling quite listless.
Please, sir, have you any other words of wisdom to console me as I attempt to piece back together my broken dreams? —Signed, Nore Roderick
Dear Sir: Any respectable bucket list would have to begin with the famous bucket that Warren G. Harding kicked in 1923. It is displayed in the lobby of the Commonwealth Building on K Street in Washington.
The list would also have to include the bucket with a hole in it that inspired both Louis Armstrong and Hank Williams to song. It is currently for sale on eBay, but so far no bidder has been able to meet the reserve.
The bucket which Booker T. Washington cast down may be seen on application to the custodian at the Booker T. Washington National Monument in Hardy, Virginia.
The gutbucket played by Will Shade in the Memphis Jug Band is not on display anywhere at the moment, but it can still be heard on numerous recordings.
The first bucket seat in Pittsburgh can be found in a Lincoln limousine that once belonged to Helen Clay Frick, now on display at the Frick Car and Carriage Museum. The Lincoln is an exceptionally long car, and the bucket seat was used to hold the long-distance operator who connected Miss Frick with her chauffeur.
This short list may not be a complete replacement for the one you lost, but it should at least give you a head start on compiling a new one.
THE ANSWER.
There were three book titles made up by Dr. Boli in yesterday’s literary puzzle:
The Unicycle Boys’ Great Mustard-Gas Adventure
The All Right Boys at the World’s Fair
The Railroad Boys in the Outback
All the rest are real books that were published by real publishers, and every one of them can now be found at Project Gutenberg. If you know a boy with an ebook reader, you know now what to tell him.
The Motor Boys Overland
The Brighton Boys in the Trenches
Motor Boat Boys’ River Chase
The Go Ahead Boys and the Mysterious Old House
The Iron Boys on the Ore Boats
The Ranger Boys Outwit the Timber Thieves
The Radio Boys on Secret Service Duty
The Bungalow Boys Along the Yukon
The River Motor Boat Boys on the St. Lawrence
The Auto Boys’ Quest
The Boy Aviators’ Flight for a Fortune
Although these are all real titles, as you can verify by following the links yourself, Dr. Boli might as well confess that he wishes he had made up The River Motor Boat Boys on the St. Lawrence and The Iron Boys on the Ore Boats.
A LITERARY PUZZLE.
Here is a little literary puzzle for our devoted readers. A century ago, the book trade was inundated with what today’s marketers would call “high-concept” boys’ adventure books. Without resorting to a search engine, can you tell which of the titles in the list that follows were actually published and which ones were made up by Dr. Boli this morning? (A big hint: Dr. Boli made up three of them.) The answer will appear in this space tomorrow.
The Motor Boys Overland
The Brighton Boys in the Trenches
Motor Boat Boys’ River Chase
The Go Ahead Boys and the Mysterious Old House
The Iron Boys on the Ore Boats
The Ranger Boys Outwit the Timber Thieves
The Unicycle Boys’ Great Mustard-Gas Adventure
The Radio Boys on Secret Service Duty
The Bungalow Boys Along the Yukon
The All Right Boys at the World’s Fair
The River Motor Boat Boys on the St. Lawrence
The Auto Boys’ Quest
The Railroad Boys in the Outback
The Boy Aviators’ Flight for a Fortune
MEMORANDUM.
To: All Employees
From: The President
Re: Marketing Study
My fellow employees:
I have truly thrilling news for you all. Doubtless you have all been aware of the marketing study we commissioned from Rittenhouse Consulting. I say “doubtless” because, although I sincerely attempted to restrict the knowledge of the study to those directly involved in it, it appears that somebody let the “cat” out of the “bag,” resulting in several “firings.” But there is no use pretending that the news had not been broadcast far and wide, so I assume you have all heard it by now. We chose Rittenhouse Consulting specifically because we know them to be a trustworthy and reliable firm; I can speak from first-hand knowledge, since Bill Rittenhouse is my wife’s brother.
Well, the thrilling news is that at last, after eighteen months and $23.7 million, the study has been completed, and we have identified the ideal target market for our products as stupid people.
As a group, buyers of our products have a measured IQ averaging 87. This average holds good in both our baking and our armaments divisions. Clearly our offerings appeal to persons of below-average intelligence, and our consultants recommend that we capitalize on that built-in appeal, embracing a marketing strategy that is stupid-driven. Stupid people make up a large and influential segment of the market, and furthermore they are usually too dumb to figure out how to return products if they are dissatisfied.
Our company is already well-positioned to take advantage of this dynamic market segment. The consultants found that our Management Team has an average measured IQ of 83, putting us on the cutting edge of stupidity, and thus very much in touch with our target market. Indeed, Mr. Rittenhouse has informed me that one of the very hallmarks of stupidity is an unquestioning reliance on data from IQ tests. Clearly this is a winning scenario for us, and we will be announcing a wide range of new stupid-driven business policies over the next few weeks.
One minor adjustment has been necessary. Although most of our Management Team was exactly suited to our new stupid-driven business strategy, our consultants identified three executives who tested as having above-average intelligence. Those three executives have left the company to pursue other opportunities in the exciting and dynamic burger-flipping industry, and we wish them the very best luck in their new endeavors.
With Warmest Regards,
J. Rutherford Pinckney, President,
Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co.
Advertisement.
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
Advertisement.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: I write to protest the increasing prevalence of irony, and even outright sarcasm, on the Internet. If people will not say what they mean, how are we to know whether they mean what they say? Indeed, I might almost go so far as to say that some of the statements on the World-Wide Web might be construed as exaggeration. Although I do not believe it myself, I have even heard some readers complain of understatement in some of the darker corners of the Web.
It must be the relative anonymity of Internet communication that encourages such dishonesty, since obviously no one would ever dream of being dishonest in real life. But is that dishonesty really necessary? Whatever idea you wish to express, there must be a million billion ways to say it. The English language, after all, has one or two synonyms in its arsenal.
I call for a National Board of Review, similar to the one that, in earlier and better times, reviewed movies for objectionable content, to review all comments, blog posts, and instant messages on the Internet. Such a board would be authorized specifically to root out sarcasm, exaggeration, and understatement; but I see no reason to limit the extent of its powers, since obviously no government body charged with prior censorship would ever abuse its authority. Countless millions of lives are at stake here, and surely the minimal effort of reading all the electronic communications in the world is a small price to pay for our security.
——Sincerely,
Xenophon M. Kranck,
Minersville.
Advertisement.
CLASSIFIED ADVERTISING.
WORK FROM HOME assembling nuclear reactors for the foreign market. Business is booming as nations unable to obtain nuclear technology by traditional means turn to independent contractors. Send for free brochure. Business Opportunities, LLC, Millvale.
LEARN MUSIC NOW! Trained professional music teacher comes to your home to teach you how to operate MP3 player. Experience the satisfaction!
COLD-BLOODED REPTILE wanted to head large federal agency responsible for collection of government revenue. Must have no political opinions, human sympathy, or pride. Ideal candidate will have thick skin such as found on crocodile or Komodo dragon.
ABOUT TO GRADUATE? If you have a high-school diploma, come to the Agricultural Job Fair at the convention center, Friday, 4-8 p.m. Positions now open for motivated peasants. Are you looking to bind yourself to a plot of land owned by a major agricultural corporation?