Posts by Dr. Boli
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I have to write a poem for our high-school graduation, but the trouble is—and don’t let anyone know I told you this—I’m not very good at poems. What would you suggest I do? —Sincerely, Meredith, Age 18, Blandville Area High School.
Dear Madam: Write a sonnet, or some other relatively short form of poem in which both the meter and the rhyme are strictly controlled. And be very strict with yourself about meter and rhyme. Do not say to yourself, “Well, nine syllables are good enough for that line,” or “I suppose ‘mine’ and ‘time’ are close enough to a rhyme that I can get away with it.” Allow no deviations from the established formula.
Dr. Boli realizes that writing a proper sonnet takes some work—he usually allows himself at least fifteen minutes for the task—but he assures you that the work, which after all is a simple mechanical exercise that anyone can do, will be well worth the time. Your teachers, your peers, and all their parents are completely convinced that writing a formal poem is an impossible feat. They will be astonished by your literary virtuosity. And here is the really important thing: they will be paying attention to the structure of your poem so much that they will ignore the meaning.
That is vitally important. If you write a mechanically perfect sonnet, you always have the excuse that you had to let the meter and the rhyme push your thoughts in this or that direction. No one in the audience you’re facing will complain if your thoughts are a bit on the insipid side. But if you take what you probably think is the easy way out and write something in free verse, you have no excuse. You had those thoughts, and you wrote them down. Nothing prevented you from having different thoughts. If you write a vapidly platitudinous poem, everyone will know that you have a vapidly platitudinous mind. Your brain will be standing in front of that audience naked.
If you are Walt Whitman, you can get away with free verse, because you have brilliant thoughts leaking out of your brain all the time, not to mention a superb natural sense of rhythm. But you say that you are not very good at poems. Structure is therefore your most important ally, and the more perfectly you stick to your chosen structure, the less it matters how dull a person you really are.
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FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
HAPPY CRAFTY TIME.
Hello, happy children! Did you miss your Aunt Lizzy? Well, I’m back, and once again it’s Happy Crafty Time!
Today we’re going to do something special. We’re going to make a birdhouse for all our little birdie friends. When we’re done, the little birdies will have a nicer house than your Aunt Lizzy has, not that that’s saying much.
Now, the first thing we need for a birdhouse is some wood. And we’re in luck! I’ll bet there’s wood all over your house. Like the table in your dining room, or the dresser in Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom—they’re probably made of wood! Just like this French provincial coffee table I found in the studio next door where they do the Morning View show. All you need is to get the wood out of them. And that’s why I brought this chainsaw. Can you say “Husqvarna”? I don’t even know if I’m pronouncing it right, but it sure does the job. All we have to do is [- – – – inaudible – – – -] and there we are—all the wood we need for our birdhouse!
Now the next step is to glue these pieces together so that they form a birdhouse. All you’ll need is some of that instant-stick super-glue. But you have to be careful with it. Otherwise you might end up accidentally gluing your little brother to his bicycle seat, and while that would be very funny, you might get in trouble if you’re stupid enough to get caught.
So here we are! Isn’t this a pretty birdhouse? This is one I bought down at the Metro Mart, because all the birdhouses I tried to make looked like a pile of lumber glued together by a five-year-old.
Well, that’s all we have time for today on Happy Crafty Time. And just remember, children, do your best in school, because you don’t want to end up in a job you despise where you can’t get out of your contract unless they fire you while you watch the people you grew up with land all the cool shows where they get to interview the mayor or dress up like a vampire and introduce scary movies or even cook stuff guys like to eat and you’re stuck in the same rut year after year until all you dream of at night is scissors and construction paper and you can’t get a date because people think you’re some kind of cross between a nun and a fluffy stuffed bunny. That’s all for now! Tomorrow, unless they fire me, I’m going to show you some really fun things you can do with just an ordinary gas stove. So till next time, have a happy crafty day!
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
On this day in 1693, the lesser-known Gloucester witch trials came to an abrupt end when all the judges mysteriously turned into toads.
BUSINESS NEWS.
The Fan-a-Tron Corporation of Oakdale, makers of thermostat-controlled electronic fans, has laid off 64% of its work force, cutting costs by an estimated $23.8 million in the wake of a disappointing first-quarter report that sent the stock price plummeting by more than 4%. Executives were awarded bonuses totaling $23.8 million for responding to the fiscal crisis in a timely manner.
Continental Kettle, Inc., is suing the Pittsburgh Pot Company of Oakland for libel, claiming that the latter’s advertising misrepresented Continental’s products as “black” when they are in fact Antique Charcoal.
The Aquila Bros. Malt Beverage Company of Oakmont has canceled its line of Aquila brand non-alcoholic malt beverages aimed at the Arab market. According to a marketing spokesman, the line never caught on in the Arab world, in spite of an aggressive TV advertising campaign featuring the slogan “Have an Aquila” set to a catchy folk tune.
Reliable Airport Limousine Service has merged with A-1 Airport Transit, Inc, according to reliable sources. No injuries were reported, but two lanes of the Parkway West were closed for more than three hours while wreckage was cleared.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: What is the difference between science and philosophy? —Sincerely, Dr. Tiarella von Sachs, Ph.D., Professor of Phenomenology at the Pennsylvania University of Indiana.
Dear Madam: “Philosophy,” a Greek term meaning “the love of wisdom,” once embraced all the studies we now think of as science, as well as problems of ethics, psychology, and every other branch of knowledge. The ancient Greeks classed all these as species of the same endeavor, because they believed that the way to address any question in any field of knowledge was by getting drunk and talking about it (see Plato, Symposium; Xenophon, Symposium; Theognis, Symposium; &c.).
With the advent of the experimental method, however, those branches of the discipline previously classified as “natural philosophy” drifted away from their alcoholic roots, and eventually came to be known as “science,” distinguishing them from pure philosophy, which no longer attempts to explain the natural world, considering that endeavor beneath its dignity. Philosophers, in turn, attempted to imitate what they perceived as the rigor of science by embracing impenetrable technical language and rules of reasoning. Thus we may define science as “the use of rigorous procedure and highly technical language to describe the natural world,” and philosophy as “the use of rigorous procedure and highly technical language to describe the works of other philosophers.” We may add that there is still a fair amount of drinking involved.
THE KANGAROO.
A Meditation.
—
O kangaroo—
Strange beastie, you!
Another roo
Rides inside you.
Here’s something new—
One roo from two;
Two roos make you.
How very few
The creatures who
Can say that’s true!
What can I do
But say to you,
“How do you do?
How do you do?”
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I recently inherited $750,000 from a Nigerian prince to whom I was not aware that I was related. In fact, I was not even aware that Nigeria had a royal family, and I feel a little bit ashamed of my ignorance. What would you recommend as a good recession-proof investment? —Sincerely, A Proud Second-Generation Ruthenian Immigrant.
Dear Sir or Madam: There are many so-called experts who would advise you to invest in mutual funds or bonds or some such rubbish, but Dr. Boli would suggest that you ignore their advice unless you want to come across as a complete naif. Instead, you should ask yourself a simple question: What is it that Americans simply cannot do without? Find that one thing, and you have found your surefire investment. And, when the question is posed in those terms, it is clear that the answer is hair-care products. Since the days of macassar oil, Americans have been more willing to go without food than without hair-care products. Even in times of prosperity, many Americans put more nutrition into their hair than into their stomachs. Hair-care products and a warehouse in which to store them: that is the investment Dr. Boli would recommend.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,
Second Series.
Freezing. It is now known that the freezing of water, formerly thought to be a process of crystallization, is due to simple congenital laziness.