Posts by Dr. Boli
WORLD HOMEOPATHY AWARENESS WEEK.
WERE YOU AWARE of homeopathy this week? As World Homeopathy Awareness Week draws to a close, Dr. Boli takes a moment to recall the very special place homeopathy has always occupied in the pages of this Magazine.
—
Advertisement.
—
DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.
—
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I have a small splinter in my toe, and my friends recommended digging it out with a sterilized needle. That sounds like it would hurt. I was wondering: Is there a non-invasive homeopathic remedy for splinters? —Sincerely, A Man with a Splinter in His Big Toe, Specifically the Left One.
Dear Sir: Dr. Boli is not a doctor of homeopathy, but he has consulted with a number of well-known homeopaths who prefer to remain anonymous. This is the answer they provided.
First, it is important to determine whether the splinter is a wood splinter. We shall assume that it is; but if it is a splinter of something else–glass or ceramic, for example–then please write again and give more specific details.
As homeopathy operates on the principle that whatever in measurable quantities causes a symptom will in infinitesimal quantities cure the same, the homeopathic remedy for a wood splinter is, of course, sawdust highly diluted. The dilution must be in inverse proportion to the size of the splinter; for, as homeopathic remedies are stronger the more they are diluted, it should be plain to the veriest tyro that a larger splinter will require a stronger and therefore greater dilution. For an average splinter, a 15C dilution of sawdust is recommended.
It goes without saying that you should not attempt to manufacture this dilution yourself. Even if you could provide the properly sterile distilled water and the necessary measuring equipment, there are certain incantations which, without going into any detail, Dr. Boli’s homeopathic consultants have darkly hinted are required in order to render the remedy effective.
Dr. Boli’s correspondents asked him to remind you that homeopathic remedies may take some time to work through your system to the big toe, the time depending in particular on the strength and magnetic orientation of your vital force. Should infection set in, remind yourself that what allopaths call “infection” is in fact nature’s way of dealing with an interruption to your body’s perfect health. Should the infection progress, Dr. Boli’s correspondents have pointed out that amputation is an entirely natural and drug-free alternative to homeopathy.
—
Advertisement.
—
Advertisement.
NEW ALTERNATIVE THERAPY: Allopathic Medicine provides alternatives to traditional homeopathy. Allopathic Medicine is a science of the body that treats the symptoms of diseases, in many cases giving immediate relief. Based on the ancient wisdom of generations of African, Asian, Australian, European, North American, and South American scientists. Many Allopathic treatments are covered by major health-insurance plans. Look in the Yellow Pages under “Physicians” to find your local Allopathic practitioner. H. Albertus Boli Foundation for Alternative Medicine, Seldom Seen.
Advertisement.
PEACE THROUGH CONFUSINGLY SIMILAR FLAGS.
ANY MILITARY STRATEGIST can tell you that it is simply impossible for Romania to have a war with Chad. Why? you ask (do not attempt to pretend that you did not ask, for Dr. Boli knows better). Because they have the same flag.
Left, Romania; right, Chad. Or vice versa.
It is simply impossible to coordinate maneuvers against an enemy whose flag is exactly the same, or so similar that the two flags are easily confused. The Confederate States discovered this principle early on in the American Civil War, though their original flag and the Union flag were much easier to distinguish than the flags of Romania and Chad. And what has been the result? During the entire time when these two countries have used this flag, there has never been a war between Romania and Chad. The similarity of flags has caused blessed peace to prevail between two nations which might otherwise have been at each other’s throats.
For similar reasons, there can never be a war between Monaco and Poland:
Left, Monaco; right, Poland.
The flags are not identical, but what general would be so presumptuous as to gamble on the ability of his troops to distinguish them in the heat of battle? Once again, the flags have preserved two great nations from a war that might have meant the ruin of both.
Again, it would be the height of folly for Luxembourg to declare war on the Netherlands:
Left, Luxembourg; right, the Netherlands.
A little fading in the sun, and the flag of the Netherlands becomes the flag of Luxembourg. Nor would the addition of an illegible little rubber-stamp seal preserve Paraguay from ruin if it should declare war on either of those two nations:
Paraguay.
For similar reasons, Chile can never go to war against Texas—
Left, Chile; right, Texas.
—or the Ivory Coast against Ireland—
Left, Ivory Coast; right, Ireland.
—or the United States against Malaysia—
Left, United States; right, Malaysia.
—without unspeakable confusion. Likewise, it would be foolish for the Netherlands to fight Yemen, or Luxembourg to fight Sierra Leone, if the war were fought in black and white:
The Netherlands, Yemen, Luxembourg, Sierra Leone.
Most wars in the first half of the twentieth century were fought in black and white, as documentary evidence shows, and it would be the height of folly to assume that it will not happen again.
In all these cases, peace has been preserved between potentially belligerent nations by the sheer impossibility of contemplating military action against a country with an indistinguishable flag. And this simple observation suggests a solution to the problem of world peace that, as far as Dr. Boli knows, has never been suggested before.
Dr. Boli’s proposal is as follows: Every nation may continue under its current government, ruled by whatever greedy and unstable despot it chooses to represent it on the world stage; but every nation must adopt a flag indistiguishable from those of its neighbors. Even this is a mere intermediate stage: the ultimate solution is for every country to adopt the same flag, or flags so similar that it would be impossible to tell the difference on the battlefield.
Dr. Boli is not a vexillographer (if the reader will pardon an ugly term made from Latin and Greek parts unnaturally mashed together), so he will not presume to dictate the design of that flag himself; but may he be permitted to suggest the French tricolor as a model? There are already so many tricolor flags, and so many countries whose flags consist of various combinations of blue, white, and red, that adopting a flag based on some variation of the tricolor would probably meet very little public resistance, if indeed anyone noticed the difference at all.
Dr. Boli would also like to inform the Nobel committee in Oslo that, should they wish to speak with him, he may be reached in care of this Magazine.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Do you have a toll bridge? —Sincerely, Frequent.
Dear Sir or Madam: No; in fact, it is one of Dr. Boli’s proudest boasts that, even at his advancing age, he still retains all his own teeth.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I am one of your faithful followers…most likely your MOST faithful! I never start the day without reading your wisdom. My computer is completely covered in layers and layers of yellow highlighter ink. I’m writing you today to seek your wisdomous guidance.
Thank you for the above message. I was so moved that right after reading, I got in my car and drove around; just to be fuel efficient. I had no where to go, just wanted to be fuel efficient. I did the top of the hill one. It didn’t work out quite the way I expected, but each failure is an opportunity for another try, right? Besides, mother is getting the feeling back in her legs, the lawsuits aren’t as bad as people on TV make them out to be and (this is for your more stupidier readership), cops do not snatch licenses away, that only happens on TV.
As I said, I need your wisdomous omnipotenticular advice. What should I do to increase the fuel efficiency of my bicycle?
I humbly await your response. —Sincerely, Bopo.
Dear Sir: Since bicycles are human-powered vehicles, the “fuel” they burn consists of the various hamburgers, pizza rolls, cookies, doughnuts, papayas, 32-ounce sodas, quiescently frozen dairy confections, and energy bars you consume when you are intending to ride the bicycle. The more you pedal the thing, the more calories you burn, and the more fuel it is necessary for you to consume. You can therefore cut down on that fuel considerably by adding a small gasoline engine to power your bicycle, relieving you from the necessity of pedaling, and thus reducing the number of calories burned by a substantial figure.
KNOW YOUR ROAD SIGNS.
Falling Leaves.
There may be leaves falling from the trees ahead. You should slow down slightly to contemplate your own mortality, but not so much that you bring it closer.
—
Wrath of Neptune.
You may get wet, but you have no one but yourself to blame for arousing the wrath of a deity from classical mythology. You should be ashamed of yourself.
—
Dimensional Shift.
Dimensional shifts are convenient for long-distance travelers, but make sure your vehicle is in good condition. It is not wise to attempt the dimensional shift at too slow a pace.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Some people say that cell phones damage your brain. Other people say there’s no evidence that they do. Who’s right? And what should I do about it? —Sincerely, A Woman with a Smartphone That Isn’t Quite Smart Enough.
Dear Madam: The mistake most people make is in trying to design a scientific study to determine how cellular telephones affect the brain, rather than merely glancing at the evidence all around them. A quick look at our legislation, signs, and public announcements will reveal that people with cell phones have to be told that the things ought to be turned off at a violin recital, or that one ought to finish a phone conversation before attempting to place an order at the bakery counter, or that texting while driving is a very bad idea. If cell-phone users have to be told these things because they cannot figure them out for themselves, clearly their brains are damaged.
How that damage is inflicted Dr. Boli has not been able to determine. Science seems to have ruled out radiation as a cause, so we must look instead to psychology. Dr. Boli’s own speculation is that your cell phone, especially if you have text messaging enabled, exposes you to a constant barrage of the most inane and trivial thoughts that flit through the minds of your acquaintances, each one of which probably kills off a few hundred neurons.
IN THE NEWS.
GRANT BOROUGH COUNCIL has abandoned its attempt to tackle the obesity epidemic by requiring all sugary drinks served at fast-food restaurants to taste really bad. According to a study commissioned by the council, 23 out of 26 commercially available soft drinks tested already meet the proposed criteria for tasting really bad, but people drink them anyway.
HOW TO INCREASE YOUR FUEL EFFICIENCY.
Always drive downhill. Many downhill stretches can be traversed with the engine shut off entirely, for an effective fuel consumption of ∞ m.p.g. When you reach a low point on your projected route, sell your car, and buy another one at the top of the next hill.
Remove excess weight, such as luggage, groceries, spare tires, children, doors, bumpers, etc. The heaviest single object in your car is usually the engine, the removal of which can lead to a dramatic dip in your fuel consumption.
Streamline your car by filling in irregularities in its shape with modeling clay. Of all the irregularities in the outline of your car, the one that usually affects fuel economy the most is the deep notch formed by the the obtuse angle between the windshield and the hood.
Instead of gasoline, try oxen.
Inflate your tires with helium to lighten your vehicle by up to 0.000018%.
Drive as fast as possible, so that you arrive at your destination before you have a chance to use very much gasoline.
Fold an origami car, following one of the many popular patterns available on the Internet. Paper is much lighter than the steel and plastics used in the construction of mass-produced vehicles, and you will be driving an original work of art as well as saving fuel.
Instead of going on a driving vacation this summer, sit in your chair at work with your hands on an imaginary steering wheel and say “Vroom, vroom” every once in a while.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I’ve been having an argument with my girlfriend. I say superhero movies are way better when they’re completely faithful to the comic book. She says she wants to go see some stupid play by Noel Coward instead. Who do you think is right? —Sincerely, A Man Waiting in Line at the Cine-Googleplex.
Dear Sir: Dr. Boli is not impressed by a movie unless it demonstrates rigorous fidelity to the back of the cereal box. (He feels exactly the same way about plays by Noel Coward.)