Posts by Dr. Boli
A LIMERICK IN SWING.
THERE WAS A young man from Nantucket
Who carried a tune in a bucket.
When his friends asked him why,
He returned this reply:
“’Cause I ain’t got the rhythm to truck it.”
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,
Second Series.
—
Football (American). Of all the professional football teams in the United States, only two are named for poems: the Baltimore Ravens and the McKeesport Coy Mistresses.
—
Are you misinformed yet? A modest investment can be the auspicious beginning of a lifetime of boorish ignorance.
CAUTION.
TO AVOID RISK of suffocation, remember to breathe while reading this Magazine.
Do not read this Magazine under water without approved breathing equipment.
Do not operate motor vehicles or heavy machinery while reading this Magazine.
Do not make use of the comment feature while under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Do not hit yourself on the head repeatedly with a mallet while reading this Magazine. Once will usually suffice.
Do not start an argument about any controversial subject mentioned in this Magazine with anyone who is visibly larger or better armed than you are.
Always remember, safety first. If you are in any doubt, do not read this Magazine at all.
Advertisement.
DR. BOLI’S CALENDAR FOR 2012.
THE GROUNDHOG SPEAKS, and all of us must listen,
Or, rather, must pretend that we have heard
For six more weeks the snow and ice will glisten—
Although, in fact, he hasn’t said a word.
That’s what it comes to when the tribe insists
That rodents make good meteorologists.
DR. BOLI’S INFALLIBLE WEATHER INDICATOR.
PRINT THIS CARD on good heavy stock, or copy it with a pantograph, and follow the directions on the card. Then you can be as well-informed as the meteorologists on your local television stations, but without the need for toxic hair spray.
Click on the image to enlarge it, or click here for a PDF version.
DR. BOLI’S COMPREHENSIVE HERBAL.
No. 22 in a Series of 253,486.
–
ZUCCHINI (Cucurbita pepo). Zucchini are immature squashes much beloved of home gardeners for their bountiful productivity and ease of cultivation. The life cycle of the zucchini plant is interesting and unusual. It begins with a seed sprouting in a compost heap. The seed quickly grows into a massive vine bearing dozens of zucchini, which the home gardener really intends to harvest sometime soon, but never gets around to picking, because no one in his home really likes zucchini all that well. Eventually the fruits grow too large and mature to be edible, and in the fall they are tossed on top of the compost heap, where the cycle begins again the following spring.
In standard Italian, the fruit of this plant is a zucchina, making the plural regularly zucchine; but in some Italian dialects, and in American Italian, the word has become zucchino, making the plural zucchini, which has become the American English singular as well. Zucchini are thus one of the few transgendered vegetables commonly grown in home gardens, and may be eligible for special protection under local laws. As if that were not difficult enough to sort out, botanically zucchini are fruits, whereas culinarily they are vegetables. Zucchini are thus terribly confused, and may benefit from a course of Rogerian psychotherapy.
Astrologically, zucchini are governed by a shaky coalition of constellations that tends to fall apart every few months.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: How do our governing powers decide where to direct our law-enforcement efforts, and what punishment to demand of criminals once convicted? I have been trying to figure this out, but without much success. —Sincerely, Clarence Thomas.
Dear Sir: Our law-enforcement resources are allocated, and our sentences meted out, according to a strict calculation of the moral severity of the crime. Thus we may construct an accurate table of possible deeds and misdeeds, from most to least reprehensible, merely by observing the actions of our legal system:
1. Infringing copyrights held by large conglomerates.
2. Growing marijuana plants.
3. Stealing food for your family.
4. Robbing banks.
5. Murdering children one at a time.
6. Parking at an expired meter.
7. Stealing pensions from your employees.
8. Embezzling a few billion dollars from your bank depositors.
9. Murdering a hundred thousand people at once.
The last few items on the list are considered rather virtues than vices, and are generally rewarded rather than punished.
FITNESS TIPS.
EAT YOUR DOUGHNUTS standing up.
Always drink plenty of fluids in a location at least a quarter mile from the nearest bathroom.
During your morning and afternoon commute, walk from one end of the streetcar to the other and back again until you reach your stop. Don’t forget to say “Excuse me” to the other passengers.
Visualize yourself as fit and healthy. Studies have shown that self-delusion can be as effective as exercise in raising your self-esteem.
Read only heavy hardcover books.
Buy a piece of expensive exercise equipment from a store near you and carry it home. The next day, carry it back to the store for a refund. Repeat until you are banned from the store; then find a different store.
Remember to fidget while you watch the television.
To make sure you get your full measure of exercise every day, assign some of it to the servants.