Posts by Dr. Boli
Advertisement.
CELEBRITY GOSSIP.
MISS UNA CORDA, the notoriously shy concert pianist, gave her first recital in months last night at Heptagon Gardens. She performed Liszt’s transcription of Berlioz’ Symphonie Fantastique on a Yamaha digital grand piano with the headphones plugged in.
Rap-jazz fusion artist Felonious Thelonious wowed guests at his album-release party with an impromptu rap in 5/4 time. According to sources at the party, no one understood what Felonious said, but all the guests declared themselves deeply moved.
Miss Diana Smoulder, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, was the subject of committee hearings in the commonwealth House of Representatives this morning. Her constant companion, state representative Albert Cardoon, is under investigation for allegedly having spent money earmarked for mass transit on strings and resin.
Bozar the Clown is still in the hospital tonight, and more details have emerged about the incident. According to witnesses, he had been turning off television screens in Big Jake’s Sports Bar on McKnight Road during a Penguins game. A hospital spokesman said that Bozar was in serious but stable condition.
Broken Spindle Studios announced yesterday that filming of the first Captain Pleonasm feature has been resumed after a ten-month delay occasioned by a dispute with star Theodore Naphtha. Naptha, a classically trained Shakespearean actor, had objected to some revisions in the script and demanded additional “stupid pay” before he would speak the lines. The studio finally determined that filming could continue without the star, who will be replaced in the finished picture by a digital effect.
Advertisement.
A VALENTINE.
THE ROSE COMES in so many hues,
Who dares to call it red?
The violets would get the blues
If anybody said
That yellow, white, and even green*
Did not true violets make.
But all the flowers ever seen—
The real ones and the fake—
And all the ones we’ve yet to see,
On herb or tree or vine,
I’d bring to you, if you would be
My loving Valentine.
—
*Hybanthus concolor.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,
Second Series.
—
Typewriter. The replacement of the typewriter by the computer as the commonly preferred writing tool has had unforeseen and largely salutary consequences in the world of literature. Because of distractions like the Internet and computer games, literary statisticians estimate that the world has been spared more than three million insufferably self-indulgent first novels since 1982.
—
Did you know that February is International Misinformation Month? If you did not, then you have not been sufficiently misinformed. Fill the gaps in your ignorance with Dr. Boli’s Encyclopedia of Misinformation.
A VALENTINE.
February is International Typewriter Appreciation Month.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
THE APPLIED POETRY Department at Duck Hollow University will soon be placing the world’s first wiki-epic on line. Entitled The Williamrufusdevanekingiad, the epic will recount the life and exploits of the great William Rufus DeVane King in heroic verse. Anyone who opens an account at the wiki site will be able to contribute any number of lines to the epic, provided that the meter and rhyme scheme are respected. It is hoped that, through the wisdom of the crowd, this twenty-first-century method of poetic composition will be able to produce a more dramatic and more moving epic than could be produced by a single poet working in isolation.
In order to kick-start the project, as it were (to borrow a suitably poetic metaphor from the world of internal combustion engines), the Department has decided to begin with a contest for the first line of the poem. The winner will have the satisfaction of seeing his or her first line at the head of a dramatic and moving epic poem, at least until an authorized user with editing privileges changes it. Remember that the line must be cast in iambic pentameter, and must not end with the word orange or oblige, as those selections would impose unfair limitations on the authors of the succeeding line. Entries may be left as comments on this article, or may be hand-delivered to the University security desk.
Advertisement.
ANOTHER TRIVIA QUIZ FOR YOUR DOG.
SINCE THE FLATTERING success of our first endeavor in this field, many of our canine readers have been clamoring for another amusement of the same type. Here it is:
1. What English novelist wrote Orlando and To the Lighthouse?
2. What ornamental article of clothing would a well-dressed Elizabethan gentleman have worn around his neck?
3. What name is given to the protective outer layer of the trunk or stem of a woody plant?
4. What well-known twentieth-century composer set both the Carmina Burana and the Carmina of Catullus to music?
5. Who was made Acting Attorney General at the end of the “Saturday Night Massacre” in 1973?
6. What name is given to the crosswise threads on a loom in weaving?
7. What was the real name of the eccentric novelist who wrote Hadrian the Seventh under the pseudonym “Baron Corvo”?
Bonus question for extra credit:
8. In the time of Jeremiah, what Babylonian officer held the title of Rabmag?
Answers:
HELPFUL HINTS.
A HAMBURGER JOINT is not authentically Belgian unless it serves its French fries with mayonnaise.
Books trap air between their pages and in their spines, and thus make very good insulation. Lining your walls with books may therefore qualify you for an energy tax credit.
When visiting a career counselor, be sure to ask about the opportunities for advancement that a career in career counseling might open up. The result of your inquiry may be very enlightening, or at least entertaining.
Are you concerned about bacterial diseases and other impurities in the grape juice your children consume? Grape juice can be preserved in a pure and wholesome state almost indefinitely by adding a little yeast and allowing fermentation to occur.
When composing personal ads, be sure to disguise your age, weight, personal appearance, and hobbies and interests. It is not wise to give identity thieves any clues to work with.