Posts by Dr. Boli
SPORTS NEWS.
IN VALLEY LEAGUE baseball today, the Munhall Chipmunks defeated the Duquesne Anarcho-Syndicalists by a score of 38-0. This is a depressing season opener for the Anarcho-Syndicalists, who last season won only one game when the Portvue Pixies failed to show up because they had decided to go out for gelato instead.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
TO READERS OF THE DISPATCH.
OWING TO CONTINUED financial losses sustained by our parent corporation, it has become necessary to reduce the size of each daily issue, retroactive to the beginning of March. Please bring all your copies of the Dispatch, from March 1 to current, to our downtown office, so that the necessary editing may be performed. Thank you for your understanding in these difficult times, and we look forward to continuing to provide you with a slightly lower quality of journalism than you have come to expect from your Dispatch.
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ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1879, milk was sold in glass bottles for the first time, and the once-familiar sight of a kitchen-maid running home at top speed with a paper sack full of milk passed into the realm of nostalgia.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1827, John Walker, a chemist in England, invented wooden matches. The porcelain matches used previously had been something of a disappointment.
AMERICANISMS.
MANY BRITISH READERS have trouble understanding American publications because of certain differences in vocabulary between our two dialects. As a service to his many readers overseas, Dr. Boli explains a few of the more common Americanisms they may encounter in their reading.
Americans call a car park a parking garage.
A moving stairway is an escalator.
A lift is an elevator.
A film is a motion picture.
A house is a machine for living.
A plan is a housing development.
A school is an achievement center.
A shrink is a clinical psychotherapeutic practitioner.
A roundabout is a rotational multiple-access vehicular intersection.
A motorway is a controlled-access high-speed multiple-lane simultaneous movement system.
A cup is a cylindrical gravitationally operated beverage-delivery system.
Parliament is the United States in Congress Assembled.
Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of Great Britain, Ireland and the British Dominions beyond the Seas Queen, Defender of the Faith, Duchess of Edinburgh, Countess of Merioneth, Baroness Greenwich, Duke of Lancaster, Lord of Mann, Duke of Normandy, Sovereign of the Most Honourable Order of the Garter, Sovereign of the Most Honourable Order of the Bath, Sovereign of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Sovereign of the Most Illustrious Order of Saint Patrick, Sovereign of the Most Distinguished Order of Saint Michael and Saint George, Sovereign of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, Sovereign of the Distinguished Service Order, Sovereign of the Imperial Service Order, Sovereign of the Most Exalted Order of the Star of India, Sovereign of the Most Eminent Order of the Indian Empire, Sovereign of the Order of British India, Sovereign of the Indian Order of Merit, Sovereign of the Order of Burma, Sovereign of the Royal Order of Victoria and Albert, Sovereign of the Royal Family Order of King Edward VII, Sovereign of the Order of Merit, Sovereign of the Order of the Companions of Honour, Sovereign of the Royal Victorian Order, Sovereign of the Most Venerable Order of the Hospital of St John of Jerusalem, Sovereign of the Order of Canada, Sovereign of the Order of Australia, Sovereign of the Order of New Zealand, Sovereign of the Order of Barbados, Sovereign of the Order of Valour, Sovereign of the Order of Military Merit, Sovereign of the Order of Merit of the Police Forces, Sovereign of the Queen’s Service Order, Sovereign of the New Zealand Order of Merit, Sovereign of the Order of St. Andrew, Sovereign of the Order of Logohu, Sovereign of the Order of the Star of Melanesia, is “Barack.”
CELEBRITY GOSSIP.
MISS UNA CORDA, the notoriously shy concert pianist, has finished her recording of the entire Beethoven sonata cycle. The digital recordings are being kept on archival optical discs at an undisclosed location, and will be released to the public one hundred years after Miss Corda’s death.
Reliable industry sources inform us that production of the remake of Cocteau’s Le sang d’un poète, the hoped-for Eddie Murphy comeback vehicle, has been placed on indefinite hiatus, leaving the Bob’s Burger Yurt chain with more than five million promotional talking novelty hands in warehouses waiting to ship.
The Great Blando has been released on parole and is staying at a relative’s apartment. Under the conditions of his parole, he is required to juggle three electronic monitors whenever he leaves the building.
Miss Diana Smoulder, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, is said to be “very good friends” with Albert Cardoon, whose matinee-idol good looks catapulted him to Harrisburg as state representative from the 304th District.
Bozar the Clown has been arrested on charges of vandalism. City police suspect him of being the Molding Maniac, the mysterious vandal who broke into several International-style office buildings on successive nights and defaced the interiors with egg-and-dart molding.
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CORRECTION.
THE FOOD CARNIVAL advertising circular for this week contains a small error. On page 2 at the lower left, the heading should read “100% Organic Hydroponic Bibb Lettuce,” not “100% Organic Orthophonic Bibb Lettuce.” The management would like to apologize to any customers who were confused, and also to the Victor Talking Machine Company of Camden, New Jersey. Please mark this correction on your copy of the circular before filing it.
NOW IN PRESS.
