Posts by Dr. Boli
LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: I am not a conspiracy theorist. Personally, I believe there is a very strong likelihood that President Obama is not a reptilian being from a distant galaxy who is using the presidency as a cover for a giant operation to provide his evil masters with a constant supply of human infants’ brains. Yet in spite of our questions, repeated over and over at every opportunity, he has only once released DNA-test data to prove he is human. Why won’t he do it again every time we ask him? What is he hiding? —Sincerely, Pfthann-Drox, Exalted Centurion of the 31st Andromedan Cohort.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Being awfully inquisitive, I have two matters on which I would like enlightenment. First, could you tell me the deepest, darkest secrets of a certain friend of mine, Phil Briggs? (In case you are not familiar, Phil Brigs is pretty much blonde hair plus energy plus a rare sense of Briggsiness.) Second, what are your thoughts on the morality of napkin-throwing? I am decidedly against such antics. As always, I trust in your benevolence and sagacity. You are to me like the Great Pumpkin to Linus Van Pelt. Thank you so much, Ginevra Boynton.
Dear Madam: Has this Briggs fellow you mention been throwing napkins at you? The ethics of such an act depend entirely on the spirit in which it is received by the victim. If one knows that one’s victims are likely to respond with gay laughter and perhaps a hail of dinner rolls, it is a harmless enough diversion. If, on the other hand, the victims are likely to respond with seething resentment and elaborately plotted revenge, the whole thing degenerates rapidly into something that resembles an amateur college production of a play by Agatha Christie.
As for the first part of your question, Dr. Boli may or may not know certain secrets, but he is not in the habit of revealing what has been entrusted to him in confidence. He has arranged that his memoirs should be published a century after his death, a melancholy but inevitable event that he keeps putting off as long as he has better things to do. He will not say whether your friend’s name appears in the manuscript, but he can warn the world to expect a few stunningly unexpected revelations on the subject of James Buchanan.
IN THE NEWS.
JAPANESE ROBOTICS ENGINEER Dr. Memento Mori announced at a press conference this morning that he had perfected a process for uploading a copy of the human soul into a lifelike but virtually indestructible robot, creating a potential for near-immortality for the purchasers of Dr. Mori’s Robot Me brand psychic interface units. During the demonstration, however, an unfortunate power interruption left the demonstrator robot loaded with only that part of Dr. Mori’s soul that liked strawberry ice cream. In the ensuing ice-cream-fueled robot rampage, most of Tokyo was leveled.
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ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: You’re not one of those climate skeptics, are you? —Sincerely, David Bullock.
Dear Sir: Dr. Boli is not entirely sure what a “climate skeptic” is. He has always accepted the USDA Plant Hardiness Zone Map unquestioningly. Do you mean to tell him that there are denialists out there? Dr. Boli is nonplussed. He simply does not know how to process this information. But he begs you not to mention anything to his perennials, for whom the Plant Hardiness Zone Map is a sacred text. There is no sense in provoking violence in the garden.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Whenever I install a new piece of software or sign up for something on the Web, I have to swear that I’ve read and agreed to twenty or thirty pages of legal language. My question is this: Why do the lawyers who write these agreements put so many paragraphs in all capital letters? I can’t stand to read all-caps text. It gives me a headache, so I always skip over it. But I’m worried that I may have become a serial perjurer. [Name withheld by request, for obvious reasons.]
Dear Sir or Madam: Every readability study Dr. Boli knows of has shown that text in all capitals is much harder to read, and that readers usually skip over it. Lawyers are well aware of these studies, which is why they do you the kindness of printing the parts of the text that you need not bother to read in all capitals.
BY READING THE PARAGRAPH BELOW, YOU AGREE TO PAY H. ALBERTUS BOLI (HEREINAFTER REFERRED TO AS “THE PUBLISHER”) THE SUM OF ONE HUNDRED FIFTY DOLLARS PER DIEM FOR THE DURATION OF THE PERSISTENCE OF THIS ARTICLE ON THE WORLD-WIDE WEB. YOU AUTHORIZE THE PUBLISHER TO WITHDRAW THE SAID SUM DAILY FROM YOUR PRIMARY CHECKING ACCOUNT, AND YOU FURTHER AUTHORIZE THE PUBLISHER TO EMPLOY ALL REASONABLE DILIGENCE IN DETERMINING THE MOST DIRECT AND EFFECTUAL MEANS OF ACCOMPLISHING SAID WITHDRAWAL, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE INSTALLATION OF KEYLOGGING PROGRAMS AND HIDDEN VIDEO CAMERAS.
So whenever you see a paragraph in all capitals in one of those agreements, you may safely skip to the next paragraph, knowing that you have missed only a certain amount of legal boilerplate that will not materially affect your enjoyment of the product or service you have purchased. Dr. Boli hopes this explanation will alleviate your worries.
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IN THE NEWS.
A FOURTH-GRADER at Charlotte Lennox Elementary School was suspended indefinitely for violating the school’s zero-tolerance weapons policy. Security guards found a sharp object in the student’s backpack during a routine interrogation and strip-search. Vice-Principal Wilmot Baldridge told reporters that the object appeared to be a pencil. Although no final decision has been reached on the disposition of the unnamed student, Mr. Baldridge said that, in the past, the school district has had some success rehabilitating similar cases in summer reeducation camps.
WORLD HOMEOPATHY AWARENESS WEEK.
IN HONOR OF World Homeopathy Awareness Week, here are a few of Dr. Boli’s most popular features dealing with this fascinating alternative to medicine.
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Ask Dr. Boli.
Dear Dr. Boli: I have a small splinter in my toe, and my friends recommended digging it out with a sterilized needle. That sounds like it would hurt. I was wondering: Is there a non-invasive homeopathic remedy for splinters? —Sincerely, A Man with a Splinter in His Big Toe, Specifically the Left One.
Dear Sir: Dr. Boli is not a doctor of homeopathy, but he has consulted with a number of well-known homeopaths who prefer to remain anonymous. This is the answer they provided.
First, it is important to determine whether the splinter is a wood splinter. We shall assume that it is; but if it is a splinter of something else–glass or ceramic, for example–then please write again and give more specific details.
As homeopathy operates on the principle that whatever in measurable quantities causes a symptom will in infinitesimal quantities cure the same, the homeopathic remedy for a wood splinter is, of course, sawdust highly diluted. The dilution must be in inverse proportion to the size of the splinter; for, as homeopathic remedies are stronger the more they are diluted, it should be plain to the veriest tyro that a larger splinter will require a stronger and therefore greater dilution. For an average splinter, a 15C dilution of sawdust is recommended.
It goes without saying that you should not attempt to manufacture this dilution yourself. Even if you could provide the properly sterile distilled water and the necessary measuring equipment, there are certain incantations which, without going into any detail, Dr. Boli’s homeopathic consultants have darkly hinted are required in order to render the remedy effective.
Dr. Boli’s correspondents asked him to remind you that homeopathic remedies may take some time to work through your system to the big toe, the time depending in particular on the strength and magnetic orientation of your vital force. Should infection set in, remind yourself that what allopaths call “infection” is in fact nature’s way of dealing with an interruption to your body’s perfect health. Should the infection progress, Dr. Boli’s correspondents have pointed out that amputation is an entirely natural and drug-free alternative to homeopathy.
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HOMEOPATHIC HEADACHE RELIEF by mail. Avoid paying high local prices. Send us a mere $19.95, along with your address, telephone number, and best times to contact. We will personally visit one out of every 1,000,000 applicants and hit him on the head with a mallet. This is equivalent to a 6X homeopathic dilution. More powerful dilutions also available for correspondingly higher prices. Windgap Pain Management & Hand Tool Corp., Windgap.
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DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.
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NEW PYRO-MATE Wonder Midget Home and Office Fire Extinguisher uses homeopathic technology to attack the causes of fire rather than merely addressing the symptoms. Send for free illustrated brochure, “Nature’s Way to a Fire-Free Home or Office.” Pyro-Mate Corporation, Swissvale.
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Ask Dr. Boli.
Dear Dr. Boli: How are homoeopathic treatments for malaria prepared?—Sincerely, HRH The Prince of Wales.
Dear Sir: As mosquitoes are the primary cause of malaria, homoeopathic remedies and preventatives for malaria are naturally made from mosquitoes in highly diluted form. One or two mosquitoes suffice to produce an entire year’s supply of homeopathic treatments for the whole continent of Africa, the remedies being for the most part produced by a number of private laboratories in Lagos. The mosquito is ground in a tiny mortar with an even tinier pestle, and the extract added to a certain quantity of distilled water, a small portion of which is then diluted again in a greater quantity of distilled water, and so on until a 13C or greater dilution is achieved. The dilution is only half the battle, however, as homeopathic principles also require that the solution be subject to succussion, or shaking up. This is achieved by pouring the solution into a number of hollowed-out balls and allowing the natives to play cricket with them. After everyone has enjoyed a rousing game, the balls are collected and emptied, and the solution sold in compounding pharmacies all over Africa.
Note that this preparation will not in fact either prevent or cure malaria. It does, however, provide priceless entertainment to the natives, many of whom have advanced degrees in science and have never seen anything so silly.
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NEW ALTERNATIVE THERAPY: Allopathic Medicine provides alternatives to traditional homeopathy. Allopathic Medicine is a science of the body that treats the symptoms of diseases, in many cases giving immediate relief. Based on the ancient wisdom of generations of African, Asian, Australian, European, North American, and South American scientists. Many Allopathic treatments are covered by major health-insurance plans. Look in the Yellow Pages under “Physicians” to find your local Allopathic practitioner. H. Albertus Boli Foundation for Alternative Medicine, Seldom Seen.
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