Posts by Dr. Boli
ANSWERS TO COMMON JOB-INTERVIEW QUESTIONS.
IN SPITE OF improved economic conditions, some of Dr. Boli’s readers are, alas, struggling to find employment. In order to give these readers a competitive edge (for Dr. Boli prizes nothing so much as the happiness of his readers), Dr. Boli offers these suggestions for answers that are sure to impress prospective employers at job interviews.
Why did you leave your previous job?
Once I heard about your company, I realized that the company I had been working for was a sad, worthless husk of a business compared to yours.
How do you handle stress?
Working harder is the infallible cure for stress.
What do you think is your greatest flaw?
My single-minded enthusiasm for the task I’ve been assigned. It tends to shame other employees into working harder, and I’m sure their families must suffer.
If you were sure that your boss was completely wrong about something, what would you do?
I have never known a supervisor to be wrong about anything. I don’t believe the issue ever really comes up.
When was the last time you were angry, and what made you angry?
It was August 23, 1984, when Tommy Madigan dipped my girlfriend’s curls in his inkwell. (I went to a very traditional school.)
What are you really passionate about?
Whatever my supervisor tells me to be passionate about. There’s no use being passionate about anything else, is there?
If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
I would be the kind of pear tree that bears enormous pears wrapped in gold foil for the luxury gift market.
What would you like to be doing in five years?
Well, your job looks pretty good.
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Dear Dr. Boli: What is the Masonic symbol for a half-full laundry hamper? —Sincerely, C. Simon.
Dear Sir or Madam: Most of the symbols of Freemasonry are representations of things to do with architecture or stonework: squares, compasses, crossed sledgehammers, concrete mixers, aluminum siding, &c. When you see one of these symbols, you may be sure that you are dealing with masons, and should take appropriate steps. Laundry hampers are the domain of the Grand United Lodge of Antient Free & Accepted Washmaids, Launderers, and Dry Cleaners. Although each Freelaunderer commonly has his own interpretation of the symbols, the usual interpretation is that the half-full laundry hamper in Freelaundry is a symbol for a half-full laundry hamper. Freelaunderers are very literal-minded.
EVEN MORE BUMPER STICKERS.
THE INSATIABLE DEMAND for this abbreviated form of literature still surprises Dr. Boli, but he is always happy to accommodate his readers. Click on the image to download a PDF file, which may be enlarged to any arbitrary size.
ADVICE FOR SCREENWRITERS.
IF ONE OF your characters must be shown using a computer, remember to specify that the computer must have its own unique operating system, not shared with any other computer on earth. People didn’t come all the way out to the theater and pay ten bucks just to see Windows or Linux; they can see those at work every day.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: As my esteemed doctor, I would like to ask you your opinion on the subject of illness. What is its purpose? I philosophically muse. Oh Dr. Boli, tell me, is its purpose to make me feel like a blob or give me a hearty dose of “Briggishness?” Please let me know, so I can decide to succumb solely to blobishness or Briggishness or neither. I hang on your lips! —Sincerely, Miss J. Austen.
Dear Madam: First of all, it should be remembered that Dr. Boli is not a practicing medical doctor, although he does hold a doctorate in chiropractic that he found at a garage sale. Nevertheless, since your question appears to be more philosophical than medical in nature, he will attempt to answer it as a philosopher. It seems to him that you approach the problem of illness from a rather narrow and self-centered perspective. It is a truth universally acknowledged that what you call illness is what countless millions of bacteria call a swell time. You should be glad that you, who are only one woman, can, at the cost of a little inconvenience to yourself, create happiness for millions.
If, however, you desire to evade that responsibility in the future, you may wish to be a little more cautious than you have been. It seems to Dr. Boli that your habit of hanging indiscriminately on the lips of strangers may have something to do with your susceptibility to illness. There is of course no danger from Dr. Boli, who has his lips professionally sterilized every morning; but he cannot vouch for anyone else whose lips you might be dangling from.
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TONIGHT AT EIGHT.
Dumont Network: Harsh Words (crime drama). The hit Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with a cold but beautiful forensic etymologist. Tonight: When a serial killer in Los Angeles leaves messages in Lancastrian dialect, the FBI calls on Dr. Skeat again.
The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: “Intelligent Design.” How the existence of televangelists proves that there is an omniscient and omnipotent Creator.
Northern Broadcasting System: Quirkville, PA (comedy-drama). The quirky comedy-drama about a quirky small town and the quirky people who live there. Tonight: Facing possible cancellation now that the fad for quirky comedy-dramas has passed, Mayor Quentin Q. Quentin calls in a few favors to have a regional crime lab transferred to Quirkville.
Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: Al gets hit on the head and wakes up with amnesia. Can Hephaestion hit him on the head again to restore his memory without getting himself killed by the imperial bodyguard?
Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: A tour of the new golf-cart simulators in the clubhouse at Oakmont.
Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: The burgess dissolves borough council and rules by decree.
Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Passed over for the assistant night-shift supervisor position again, Anna takes her revenge by miscounting the sporks.
The Lawnmower Channel: The Chickweed Menace (documentary). Dramatizations of real-life encounters with this ruthless invader.
Science Central: Ghost Investigators (documentary). Tonight: The team is horrified to discover that that the sensitive equipment they have been using to monitor signals from beyond the grave has actually been picking up KDKA radio.
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Dear Dr. Boli: I never have understood confession. Why in the world confess to something that is logged already? Perhaps the act of confession absolves the sin, the sinner and the redeemer. —Sincerely, Sin Boldly.
Dear Sir or Madam: Christians confess their sins to God, not to make God aware of what they have been up to, but to make their own lives seem more interesting than they really are.