Posts by Dr. Boli
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WEB DESIGNER WANTED for small Greek takeout. We want our logo to go sproing when people land on our home page, but Ari doesn’t know how to do that. If you are the sort of Web designer who knows how to make a logo go sproing, we can be very generous with the baklava. Corinthian Carry-Out, Brookline.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1961, the first American entered space, when Ralph Kramden finally sent Alice straight to the moon.
OUR VALUED CORRESPONDENTS.
OF ALL THE stories Dr. Boli has published since his celebrated Magazine moved to the World Wide Web nearly four years ago, by far the most successful has been the tale of “The Little Dutch Boy Who Saved Holland.” Not only does it consistently attract hundreds of readers every month, but it also continues to bring in new correspondence, which is always delightful. Only today a reader from the other side of the world left this remark, in which we preserve the capitalization as the writer apparently intended it:
great boy.
children in school should be motivated to love their country by telling such stories in Moral Value class
Dr. Boli remembers something similar to a “Moral Value” class at the School for Unusual Boys. In those days it was called a “Bible” class, but the idea was much the same. It has been a couple of centuries, but Dr. Boli can still remember listening with rapt attention as his Bible master expounded on the story of the naughty boys who mocked Elisha and were eaten by bears. This was the teacher’s favorite story, nor can Dr. Boli recall his ever having presented any other. It was a very effective lesson: to this day, if (hypothetically) Dr. Boli were tempted to commit some uncharacteristic minor sin, he would have only to remember the bears, and the temptation would subside at once. Like many of the boys of his generation, Dr. Boli grew up with the certain belief that packs of bears waited around every corner to devour children who stepped out of line, and especially children who mocked their elders. It was something of a disappointment to learn as an adult that there are very few bears to be found in the city, and even in rural areas the bears are, if anything, notorious for their reluctance to devour children. Perhaps they have not been properly trained.
At any rate, it would be most satisfying to Dr. Boli if his tale of the little Dutch boy could have the same salutary effect on children of this generation that the story of Elisha and the she-bears had on his own generation. For that reason he grants permission to anyone designing a curriculum for a Moral Value class to make use of “The Little Dutch Boy Who Saved Holland” without any fee or royalty. But if that story fails to produce the desired effect, he recommends falling back on 2 Kings 2:23-24.
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BREAKING NEWS.
SO ONCE AGAIN the latest on that story: Osama Bin Laden is still dead. Reports are coming in from all over the Middle East that Bin Laden is still dead. As you heard just a moment ago, our Washington correspondent reports that Bin Laden is still dead all over America. And we’re getting preliminary reports from American Samoa that he’s still dead there, too. This just in from New South Georgia: Bin Laden still dead. Wait a moment—I’ve just been handed a note here from the producer. And she says that Bin Laden is still dead in Squirrel Hill.
THINGS WE SIMPLY CANNOT IMPROVE.
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NOW IN PRESS.
Dr. Boli’s Comprehensive Treatise on Human Sexuality for Young Adolescents. Many parents and teachers are understandably concerned about the education of young people in the vitally important area of human sexuality and reproduction. Will our adolescent boys and girls have the information they need to be able to face the multitudinous changes their bodies and minds will endure in the years between childhood and adulthood? Can nothing be done to stem the flood of teenage pregnancies? Dr. Boli responds to this obvious need with a book that teaches abstinence by the only method proved to be effectual. No effort has been spared in giving our young people the most comprehensive introduction to human reproduction available in printed form. In this painstakingly thorough and medically accurate treatise, the entire subject of sexuality is rendered excruciatingly dull, so that, after only a few pages, the little blighters will beg you to teach them algebra instead. After a few weeks of classes using this book as a text, students will never want to think about sex again. Quarto, 1,574 pages, with three illustrations, all of them incomprehensible line drawings with captions in Greek.
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CELEBRITY GOSSIP.
BROKEN SPINDLE STUDIOS announced yesterday that filming of the first Captain Pleonasm feature, which had been scheduled for release in August, has been temporarily suspended as a result of a dispute with star Theodore Naphtha. Sources at the studio say that Naphtha was unhappy with some of the dialogue in the rewritten script and demanded additional “stupid pay” before he would speak the lines. Naphtha, a classically trained Shakesperean actor, is best known for his role as Irv in the 2006 comedy Herb and Irv Hit Themselves on the Head with Hammers. There is no word yet on whether this delay will affect the new darker reboot of the Captain Pleonasm franchise, which is being filmed concurrently for scheduled release in September.
