Posts by Dr. Boli
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: What do you think of the way Halloween seems to be creeping up on Christmas as America’s biggest commercial holiday? My neighbors have had Halloween lights up since September 14. The stores have had their Halloween merchandise out since July. Last week in the hardware store I saw a Halloween tree, just like a Christmas tree only black and decorated with ghosts and bats. Theologically and culturally speaking, what does it all mean? —Sincerely, a Confused but Concerned Citizen.
Dear Sir or Madam: Halloween? Bah! Humbug!
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I read once where Ralph Waldo Emerson or Henry David Thoreau or some guy with three names said, “Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity!” I was wondering what you thought of that quotation, because my wife and I have been arguing about it. —Sincerely, Harper W. Pennington-ffink, President, Butler Street Ornamental Filigree Corporation.
Dear Sir: Dr. Boli thinks it would have been less complicated just to say “Simplicity!” and be done with it.
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ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I keep hearing people talk about what happened “back in the day.” Apparently everything was better and everyone was nicer “back in the day.” What day was this, and how did I miss it? —Sincerely, Arnold P. Tacitus, Ph.D., Professor of History, Duck Hollow University.
Dear Sir: As it happens, Dr. Boli has done extensive research on this very subject for his forthcoming monograph. The answer seems to be that the day in question was June 28, 1926. Although you have not mentioned your age, there is a strong statistical probability that you were not yet born on that day, which may explain how you missed it.
FORTHCOMING WORKS BY DR. BOLI.
Dr. Boli’s Comprehensive Atlas of Switchplates. It is well known that styles of electrical outlets vary by country and region, and many fine books have been published that detail the subtle variations in the plates that cover them. Little attention, however, has been given to switchplates, either in their mechanical and technical aspects or as representative samples of regional folk art. Now, at last, we have a true worldwide survey of all the distinctive styles and types of switchplates throughout history. From the primitive mud switchplates of Sumer to the precision-engineered polycarbonate switchplates of the International Space Station, the ubiquitous but too often overlooked switchplate finally gets its due. “The chapter on guardian-angel switchplates made us laugh out loud” —Electrical Subcontractors’ Quarterly Review of Literature.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1778, George Washington sent the Continental Congress a requisition for Halloween candy for all his men. Congress sent him a bag of potato chips and advised him to divide it carefully.
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ASK DR. BOLI.
Cardinal Grosbeak (Cardinalis cardinalis).
Dear Dr. Boli: In light of the pope’s recent creation of new cardinals, perhaps this would be an appropriate time to ask: how can I attract cardinals to my garden? —Regards, Miss Jane C., North Carolina.
Dear Madam: The Cardinal or Cardinal Grosbeak (Cardinalis cardinalis) is generally a solitary bird, and thus difficult to attract in great numbers. Occasionally, however, certain extraordinary circumstances can impel cardinals to gather in a large flock, known to ornithologists as a “conclave.” A conclave of cardinals is one of nature’s most colorful sights, and it would be well worth your trouble to reproduce in your own back yard the circumstances that bring cardinals together in conclaves.
The gathering is normally touched off by a prominent obituary, and you may be able to bribe the editor of your local broadsheet to insert such an item for the price of a reuben sandwich. The obituary is not enough, however: cardinals have certain expectations when they gather in conclaves, and if you do not meet those expectations the cardinals will simply pack up and go home.
Foremost among these expectations is good catering. The St. Louis subspecies may be content with hot dogs and nachos, but most other varieties require daintier fare. A professional caterer will be able to advise you on selections of foodstuffs, but a good basic list would include sunflower seeds, pine nuts, and torta alla Monferrina.
Cardinals also require adequate press coverage for their conclaves, or they will quickly show signs of boredom and soon after depart for some more public location.
Incidentally, the supposed power of the pope to “create” cardinals is the subject of one of the interesting differences between Catholic and Protestant theology. Catholics believe that the Holy Father is ornithologically infallible and can create cardinals at will, whereas Protestants hold that only God has such creative power. (Certain Anglican theologians hold that the pope does have the power to create cardinals, but that such power is territorially limited in extent.) Your backyard bird feeder is thus one of the chief battlegrounds in the great contest between the separated branches of the Christian faith.
POLICE BLOTTER.
THE FRAUD DIVISION confiscated an entire batch of Brenneman’s “No-Tears” Children’s Shampoo after witnesses testified that many of the employees, who had just learned that production was to be outsourced to Indonesia this week, were crying while they made it.
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