Posts by Dr. Boli
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Prescott, William. At the time when he wrote his famous Conquest of Peru, William Prescott was still under the impression that he was writing about a place in Indiana. Fortunately he had a very attentive editor.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Elephant. Elephants have a flawless memory for addresses and telephone numbers, but are not very good with names.
THINGS TO DO.
NOW THROUGH NOVEMBER 29 at the Duck Hollow Museum of Art: “The Elevation of the Mundane: 16th-Century Works by the Guelders Guild of Guilders.” That is, the Guilders Gild of Gelders. Or, rather, the Gelders Gild of Guilders. The Guelders Geld of Gilders. The Gilders Guild of Gilders. The Guelders Gild of Guilders. The Guilders Geld of Gilders. The Gilders…oh, forget it.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: What is peace? —Regards, Mr. Ban-ki Moon, New York.
Dear Sir: Dr. Boli has devoted considerable research to your question. A survey of the most respected writers, both ancient and modern, finds that “peace,” in the generally accepted meaning of the term, is the state of so dominating our enemies that they cannot successfully attack us, and must await a more opportune moment to exact their revenge. When politicians say that they desire “peace,” you may be sure that this is the meaning they have in mind. There is also a sense of the term, employed mostly by cranks and dreamers, that refers to an ideal state in which good will prevails and conflicts are resolved without violence. Peace according to this latter definition is last recorded in the second chapter of Genesis; from Genesis 3:1 on, only peace in the former sense has been seen on earth, and that quite rarely.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Sewing Machine. Elias Howe invented the sewing machine as an agricultural implement. He was quite surprised to see people using it to stitch fabric, but he was clever enough to keep his mouth shut.
THE WONDERFULL AUTOMATON.
Continuing the narrative that began here.
Part 28.
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Letter the Thirty-Fifth: Miss Honoria Wells to Miss Amelia Purvis.
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My dearest Sister,——
The eminent Doctor Albertus has been a wonderfully indulgent Host, and whatever small Deficiencies might be enumerated with regard to the House, the Warmth of its Master soon makes up for them. I have never spent such delightful Hours as those I have devoted to discoursing with the great Man on various Subjects, of great Interest in themselves, but of how much more Interest when touched by the eminent Doctor’s Wit and Understanding!
You may the more readily conceive my Delight, when I inform you, That Doctor Albertus is a professed Admirer of M. de Scudery, and those other Authors whose Histories of illustrious Women have ever formed my chief Study, and I believe yours as well. For I had spoken of the celebrated Enzoara, whose Search for her beloved Alvaro brought her to the far Shores of the Euxine; a Tale which (as I remarked) George regards as false; when all at once, “False? (quoth he) O no, not a Word of it is false: For there is more Truth in a Page of Romance than in all the Pages of Thucydides and Livy. For the latter have written Chronicles of the Rise and Fall of States and Empires; but the Former is nothing less than the History of the humane Heart, without a Knowledge of which, the Battles, and Rebellions, and Usurpations, and Betrayals, which make up what we commonly call History, are of no more Interest than the Wars of so many Ants, which take Place daily under our very Feet, but which neither move us to Pity, nor rouse us to Emulation. There is no more Interest in History, therefore, than what our own Hearts give it, and Romance is the Academy of the Heart. To laud an Historian for the Accuracy of his Chronicle, is as faint a Praise as to laud a Geometer for the Straightness of his Lines. But as the Geometer is justly praised for the Elegance of his Demonstrations, so the Historian is lauded for the Justice of his Observations as he pries into and makes visible the Workings of the Soul: Which is the chief Matter of Romance. Wherefore we may say, That Romance is History distilled to its very Essence; and the Virtues which we admire in the Historian in what we may call an adulterate Form, are displayed in Romance in their primitive Purity. Say not, then, that Romance is false; say not even that it is true; say, rather, that it is Truth, refined and purified of the gross Matter which defiles the Works of the Writers whom we call Historians.”
So much must suffice as a Sample of the celebrated Doctor’s true and just Discourse, which I record in Part here because it touched on a Matter of so much concern to us both. But now I have Intelligence of much greater Import to deliver. In a Word, I am to go up to London, with the Doctor and George; so that I shall not miss the Season, but shall rather, as the Doctor’s guest, be in the very Center of the Gossip of the Town. For there are to be many Demonstrations of the wonderfull Automaton, where I shall doubtless be introduced to certain of the great Figures of the Court, Farewell, then, my Friend and Sister: whom I would willingly bring with me to London, were it within my Power. But I promise and undertake to write faithfully and descriptively, so that, tho’ you may not be with me in London, yet you may follow me thither in Thought, and believe me ever, &c.
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From DR.BOLI’S UNABRIDGED DICTIONARY.
Emulation (noun). The process of making someone or something into an emu.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: As a patriotic American citizen, I am shocked and appalled to find that foreign languages not only have gained a foothold in our country, but apparently have embarked on a campaign of ruthless conquest. Gone are the days when a law-abiding citizen could walk down the streets of any city in this fair land and hear nothing but good old American spoken. A recent survey shows that nearly 300 million Americans speak something called “English” as their primary or secondary languge.
What is this “English” anyway? I did some research, and it turns out that “English” is a Germanic language! Is this why our fathers fought and died in the Second World War? Did we defeat the Germans so that a Germanic language could muscle in and take over our whole country? I weep for my nation when I think of the generations of patriots who struggled to make American the best and most patriotic language in the world. Warren G. Harding—Yogi Berra—J. Danforth Quayle: did these great Americans speak “English”? I think not!
The time has come for action. The time has come to say, “Enough is enough!” I urge all patriotic Americans to join me in supporting a constitutional amendment that would make American the official language of America. Our slogan will be “Be American—Speak American!” I think it has a nice ring to it.
Sincerely,
Tadeusz Kołodziejski,
Polish Hill
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: So what should we do about China? Huh? —Sincerely, Jos. Biden, No Fixed Address.
Dear Sir: China presents an interesting and difficult case in foreign relations. On the one hand, China harasses and imprisons dissident intellectuals; on the other hand, she gives us Yunnan tea. On the one hand, she suppresses religious freedom; on the other hand, she gives us an inexhaustible supply of affordable fountain pens.
It is therefore the duty of every thinking American to establish a dissident budget, which details the number of dissidents we are willing to spend in exchange for the things from China that we are not willing to do without. Only thus can we make any rational decisions about our dealings with China. Dr. Boli, for example, is willing to spend quite a number of dissidents on Yunnan tea.
If you feel a bit grubby after making what you might legitimately regard as a cold and cynical calculation, it might console you to compare the number of Chinese jailed for dissenting from their country’s speech policies to the number of Americans jailed for dissenting from their country’s drugs policies. Or, on second thought, it might not console you at all.