Posts by Dr. Boli
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ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I have tunnel panic. Whenever I drive towards a tunnel, I feel like I am driving into a brick wall. What do you prescribe? —Sincerely, Panicked in Point Breeze.
Dear Sir or Madam: Dr. Boli would advise you to work on your aim. It is perfectly true that approaching a tunnel at highway speeds is equivalent to driving into a brick wall. But there is a tiny hole in the wall, and if you aim very carefully you will hit the hole instead of the wall. An accurate aim is therefore the foundation of successful and confident tunnel navigation. Missing the hole, on the other hand, invariably leads to disappointment.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
University. The first “university” was exactly the size of the entire universe (thus the name). Centuries of progress in miniaturization have produced the relatively tiny universities we know today.
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From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Popes, Worldly. All told, the “Three Worldly Popes” of the Renaissance spent the equivalent of more than $318 million in today’s money on birthday cakes alone.
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WOMAN SEEKING MAN for romantic drives and long walks in the moonlight to various neighborhood branch banks. Me: 32, athletic, attractive, fun to be with. You: 18-60, fit, willing to make quick changes in your personal appearance, with good working knowledge of drills and plastic explosives. If you think you’re the man for me, send your photo and rap sheet to “Daisy” c/o this publication.
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From LETTERS OF A POET OF PARIS.
Translated from Lettres d’un poète parisien, by Udolphe de l’Ennui.
My dear L——,
Autumn is come, with its crisp air and brightly colored leaves. Of such tawdry clichés is nature capable! I despise nature, as I despise everything in Art that is not natural. It is the duty of Art to be true to nature, and only what is natural in Art is praiseworthy. But what is natural in nature is merely commonplace…
Mme La Salle is demanding the rent again, though it is hardly a month since she last demanded it, the greedy bourgeois hussy… I despise her filthy bourgeois greed, and I despise this filthy bourgeois apartment. Yesterday I flung soup at the ceiling to make it filthier, so that I might despise it the more. I tell myself that one must live somewhere, yet something within me asks why—why must one live somewhere instead of nowhere?… This morning Mme La Salle came in and cleaned the soup stains while I was out. She has ruined a good day’s despising…
I was out this morning because I was eating madeleines at the café on the Rue du Nom Disyllable. I despise the empty allurements of bourgeois pastries. But I think I do not despise madeleines as much as I despise the rest. This has provoked a crisis of conscience…
Soon the winter will be upon us, that annual reminder of our mortality, grim metaphor for death. I despise metaphor; and therefore I despise the winter, because it is metaphorical. A season that has not the courage to say what it means directly is despicable;—nay, more than despicable: it is bourgeois. I despise bourgeois seasons as I despise bourgeois bourgeois, with their filthy greed and their petty talk of nothing but money. I know, my dear old friend, that you despise money as much as I do, which you might easily demonstrate by sending 120 francs for the rent.
Yours in misery of soul,
Udolphe.
P.S.—As always, give my love to Mme L—— and all the little L——s.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Why is it so hard to ascertain the truth? Don’t you think the truth should be the easiest thing in the world to discover? We have only to determine which of several possibilities corresponds to reality, and there we have our truth. Why is that so hard? —Sincerely, the Hon. John G. Roberts.
Dear Sir: It appears that you have fallen prey to the appealing but fundamental error of supposing that what we call “truth” is that which corresponds to reality. Such a definition would be questionable even in the so-called hard sciences, and it is plainly unworkable in every other department of life. What we call “truth” is that which corresponds most plausibly to our prejudices.
With this definition in mind, we can see at once why the truth is so hard to uncover. It may take some work to discover which of several possibilities corresponds to reality, but it plainly takes much more work to find an observation that plausibly confirms what we have already decided the answer must be. The more unreasonable our prejudice, the more work in plausibly confirming it; for it must be obvious that very unreasonable prejudices are, by their nature, very implausible.
Nevertheless, truth is justly valued as the goal of all intellectual activity. For it is plain (as Aristotle said) that the purpose or end of all human existence is happiness. That nothing makes us happier than the apparent confirmation of a favorite prejudice is a fact of daily observation. Plainly, then, nothing can be more conducive to the ultimate goal of our lives than a diligent search for “truth.” In spite of the difficulties inherent in it, Dr. Boli hopes you will not be discouraged from such a search; for he assures you that you will find the effort well rewarded.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I understand that the domestic dog has been reclassified as a subspecies of wolf (Canis lupus familiaris) by human biologists. But what do the dogs think about it? Has anyone bothered to ask them? —Sincerely, A Fanatical Animal-Rights Activist.
Dear Sir or Madam: Curiously enough, the dogs have been trying to convey the same message for centuries. “Wolf!” they would object every time we called them dogs. “Wolf! Wolf!” Yet we paid them no attention whatsoever. Here is yet another proof, if any were needed, that your “animal rights” movement is vitally necessary in contemporary culture, and Dr. Boli encourages you to fight the good fight with unflagging vigor.