Posts by Dr. Boli
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.
FBI ASKS CONGRESS FOR ENVELOPE LAW.
WASHINGTON (Special to the Dispatch).—The Federal Bureau of Investigation has asked Congress to pass legislation that would make it illegal to manufacture or sell envelopes with glue on the flaps, unless the flap could be opened and resealed without evidence of tampering.
“Terrorists and domestic dissidents often communicate through first-class mail,” explained Division Chief Rufus Towhee, head of the FBI’s crack Steam Squad. “Your federal government has hundreds of kettles boiling twenty-four hours a day, but it simply isn’t enough to steam open even a tiny fraction of the personal correspondence that moves through the Post Office.”
Mr. Towhee dismissed privacy concerns raised by some civil-liberties advocates.
“We’re not saying you can’t send private letters,” he told reporters at a press conference. “We’re just saying you have to let the FBI read them.”
Current adhesive technology, Mr. Towhee said, makes it quite practical to manufacture envelopes that can be opened and resealed as neatly as before.
Correspondents need not worry about their privacy, he added, because the proposed legislation would make it illegal for anyone but authorized federal agents or their duly licensed contractors and subcontractors to intercept private letters.
“Privacy is a non-issue, because it will be a crime for anyone else to read your letters,” Mr. Towhee explained. “So you can be assured that the only people who will see your correspondence are federal agents and criminals.”
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DR. BOLI’S ALLEGORICAL BESTIARY.
No. 24.—The Wolf.
THE WOLF IS a variety of dog that has traded servility for independence, and consequently abundance for mere subsistence;—from which you may draw any moral you like. Wolves live mainly on a diet of kindly old grandmothers, but many wolves suffer from a type of bulimia that renders them unable to keep their supper down. Their attempts at obtaining fresher prey, no matter how cunningly devised, invariably fail, leaving the wolves hungry and frustrated. They may in extreme cases turn to scavenging in the grocery sections of large discount department stores, but their limited budgets and poor comparison-shopping skills put them at a disadvantage here as well. Some wolves are therefore lured back into domesticity; and it is suspected, though never more than whispered in dog-fancying circles, that standard poodles are simply wolves that have fallen into the hands of a hairdresser.
Wolves are also noted for their peculiar habit of adopting and nursing human infants with remarkable destinies ahead of them. How a wolf can sense which infant is a child of destiny is still imperfectly understood; but it is known that wolves possess an olfactory sense far keener than our own, and it may be that certain human children simply smell like destiny.
In spite of the animals’ superficial differences, biologists regard the Grey Wolf, the Red Wolf, and the Yorkshire Terrier as varieties of the same species. Wolves can be successfully domesticated with some effort; whether the same can be said of the Yorkshire Terrier is a matter requiring further study.
Allegorically, the wolf represents independence, and specifically what a fat lot of good independence does us if we are not also independently wealthy.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Is it true, as they say, that “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”? —Sincerely, A Noted Herbalist.
Dear Sir or Madam: After many years of experimenting, Dr. Boli has succeeded in showing not only that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but that three apples a day get you a brick through your window from the American Medical Association.
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GERTRUDE MUST NOT SING TO-NIGHT.
RUNNING QUICKLY TO the altar,
“Pastor,” cried the frightened lad,
“Gertrude means the whole world to me,
But her singing is so bad—”
Faltering, and slightly dizzy
With the effort of his run,
Still the young man thought of Gertrude:
He would stay till he was done.
“Pastor, Gertrude sings at sunset,
And there’s bound to be a fight.
Though to me she’s like a sister,
Gertrude must not sing to-night!”
“Young man,” calmly spoke the pastor
When the boy had made his plea,
“I’d be very glad to help you,
But these things aren’t up to me.
It’s decided in committee
Who shall sing and who shall not.
It’s been done,” the pastor said,
“So don’t give it another thought.
Soon this evening, just at sunset,
Gertrude, in a gown of white,
Will begin her frightful noises:
Gertrude, she must sing to-night.”
Then the young man bounded forward,
Up toward the balcony.
Organ music started playing,
And, in white gown, there stood she!
Lo, the ponderous tongue is swaying:
Gertrude is beginning now,
And the sound has chilled his bosom,
Stopped his breath, and paled his brow.
Shall he let her sing? No, never!
Flash his eyes with sudden light,
As he springs and grasps her firmly—
“Gertrude shall not sing to-night!”
Gratefully the congregation
Greets him now with shouts of joy,
Saying, “What a noble lad, this!
My, but he’s a clever boy!”
On their shoulders he is carried,
Down the aisle and out the doors.
Comes the pastor running to him,
And affection from him pours.
“Though you may not be aware,
A great wrong you have set aright—
You,” he says, “have saved the evening:
Gertrude will not sing to-night!”
THE ADVENTURES OF BACKSTORY MAN AND ANGST BOY.
ANNOUNCER. Malt-O-Cod, the delicious and nutritious malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…
(Music: Theme, up and under for…)
ANNOUNCER. The Adventures of Backstory Man and Angst Boy!
(Music: In full, then fade for…)
ANNOUNCER. As you recall, in our last episode, Backstory Man and Angst Boy had agreed to meet Doctor Lethargicus to discuss his demand for world domination beginning with a nationwide speed limit of fifteen miles per hour. But as they waited for Doctor Lethargicus to appear, suddenly a hidden panel swung open, and…
ANGST BOY. Now what are we going to do? We’re trapped in Doctor Lethargicus’ Web of Inactivity, and we can’t move our arms and legs! It’s like a metaphor for my adolescent life.
BACKSTORY MAN. This is all my fault. I was distracted by memories (which somehow appeared to me in sepia tones) of the time long ago when Doctor Lethargicus was just plain little Herbie, my long-lost younger brother.
ANGST BOY. But I should have known it was a trap! Oh, how can I call myself a sidekick when I can’t protect my mentor from even the most obvious nefarious plots?
BACKSTORY MAN. No, don’t blame yourself, Angst Boy. It is I who must shoulder the blame on this occasion. I have failed you, just as I failed young Herbie when he was your age. If only I had warned him about the dangers of reading Ayn Rand! But no, I thought it was merely a phase he would grow out of.
ANGST BOY. But sooner or later we have to fail, don’t we? I mean, is it even possible to go out heroing all the time without eventually meeting the villain you can’t defeat? And if it’s not possible, then why do we do it? Isn’t our whole body of work meaningless because of this one failure? Doesn’t the whole world know that eventually we have to fail? And is that why none of the cheerleaders at school will ever pay any attention to me?
BACKSTORY MAN. You remind me so much of Herbie when he was your age. He said just the same thing after he saved me from that speeding freight train when I was home from college and he was only sixteen. At least he said the part about the cheerleaders. I don’t remember the rest of what he said.
ANGST BOY. Then this is it. We might as well give up and admit that we’ll never live up to the standard that’s expected of us as heroes.
BACKSTORY MAN. No, Angst Boy. Never give up. That was the last thing my mother said to me before my parents mysteriously disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle, leaving me with no clue as to their whereabouts except monthly postcards with pictures of sand dollars and seagulls on them. And in honor of that last wish, I have taken a solemn oath never to give up on anything.
ANGST BOY. Aren’t you the one who doesn’t have a driver’s license because you said the test was too hard?
BACKSTORY MAN. Never give up on anything important. That’s my motto. It has to be important.
ANGST BOY. And here I am, sidekick to a hero who can’t drive. Is this what I was supposed to be by the time I was sixteen?
ANNOUNCER. Will Backstory Man and Angst Boy be stuck forever in Doctor Lethargicus’ Web of Inactivity? Will next week’s episode be stretched out with ultimately meaningless dialogue? Tune in next week at this same time to the Adventures of Backstory Man and Angst Boy!
(Music: Theme, up and under for…)
ANNOUNCER. Kids, have you had your Malt-O-Cod today? Your parents must be awfully negligent if they don’t make sure you’re well supplied with the rich, satisfying flavor of Malt-O-Cod every morning. Perhaps you ought to report them to the authorities. Visit the Malt-O-Cod Web site for the addresses of child protective services organizations in your area. And tell them Backstory Man and Angst Boy sent you!
(Music: In full, then out.)
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