Posts by Dr. Boli
Advertisement.
DR. BOLI’S ALLEGORICAL BESTIARY.
No. 22.—The Grey Squirrel.
THE GREY SQUIRREL is a cunning mathematician whose skill in calculating trajectories is unmatched in the animal kingdom. It has, in fact, been estimated by behavioral scientists that the Grey Squirrel would have reached the moon at least two million years before man did, had not the squirrel’s calculations revealed that the probability of finding peanuts on the moon was practically nil.
Ornithologically inclined observers who keep bird feeders in the back yard may frequently see Grey Squirrels sitting in low branches near the bird feeders, manipulating their tiny slide rules with astonishing speed and consummate skill to arrive at exactly the correct parabola that will take a squirrel from branch to feeder in one leap.
No amount of ingenuity in the design of bird feeders will ultimately defeat a determined Grey Squirrel, and the best strategy for bird lovers who wish to preserve something for their feathered friends is to feed the squirrels themselves so often that they become more or less spherical, which throws off their parabolic calculations.
Although human intelligence is no match for the squirrel’s, there is one enemy for whose formidable brain the Grey Squirrel is no match. This is the Blue Jay, a member of the hyperintelligent Corvid family of birds. Alas, the Blue Jay uses his brain for evil instead of good, his favorite recreation being the theft of nuts from (relatively) innocent squirrels. Squirrel lovers should not attempt to thwart the Blue Jay, no matter how much sympathy they feel for their furry grey friends. The Blue Jay is a bird you would not wish to have for an enemy.
Allegorically, the Grey Squirrel represents Engineers’ and Technicians’ Local No. 348, which has kindly agreed to sponsor this allegory through March 28, 2014.
Advertisement.
Advertisement.
NOW IN PRESS: On the Bridge, by Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle, author of Reuben’s Brother’s Sister-in-Law’s Husband, &c., &c. The Hampton Roads area’s most distinguished novelist strikes again with a powerful indictment of the ennui of modern culture. A family’s lives are changed forever when their Ford runs out of gas in the middle of the James River Bridge. Four hundred pages later, they’re still there, waiting for the Triple A truck. “This new experiment in real-time narration captures more effectively than any other literary endeavor the crushing boredom of being stuck in the middle of an exceptionally long bridge” —Highway Engineering Week. “Combines almost Joycean stream-of-consciousness with the elegant and economical structure of a bus timetable” —Hampton Leader.
DR. BOLI’S METRICAL HISTORY OF INVENTION.
No. 1.—The Great Fan.
There once was a man
Who called himself Stan
With a marvelous plan
For a thirty-foot fan.
What became of his plot
I’m afraid I know not:
For he lived in a spot
That’s not terribly hot.
Instead of the tropics,
Where fans are hot topics,
He lived up in Iceland,
A perfectly nice land
Where no one demanded
To be briskly fanneded.
If they thought him a crank,
He’d the climate to thank.
Advertisement.
MENU.
Advertisement.
FOR SALE: PRIME minister. Low mileage. Many fiscal-policy options installed. Would make excellent starter PM for developing nation. Apply to Ms. Elizabeth D. G. Regina c/o this Magazine.
DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
New Jersey Edition.
Atlantic City. In 2007, the mayor of Atlantic City drove off in a city-owned vehicle and disappeared for thirteen days. He was eventually found more than two hours away from the city, and police who searched the vehicle discovered both Boardwalk and Park Place in the trunk.
Delaware Water Gap. The beautiful Delaware Water Gap scenic natural area has now been fully paved for your convenience.
Legislature. A bill to transfer the official capital of New Jersey to the Trenton State Penitentiary for the convenience of the legislators resident there was vetoed by the governor in 1973.
Motto. The official New Jersey tourist motto, “What a Difference a State Makes,” was adopted only after a compromise in which the enabling legislation specifically affirmed that the New Jersey State Legislature took no position on the question of whether the difference was positive or negative.
Nickname. New Jersey’s familiar nickname, “Garden State,” refers to the garden belonging to Ms. Wilma Pickett of South Orange, well known to train travelers as the only garden visible between Newark and Camden.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
THE FRINGE PARTY would like to thank all potential buyers who expressed an interest in the parliament we had offered for sale. We are pleased to be able to report that the property has been sold to a party describing itself as “Liberal Democrats.” It is our understanding that they intend to “flip” the property, believing that they can, after some negligible superficial improvements, resell it at a substantial profit. They claim two interested bidders already. We wish them the best of luck. Meanwhile, as the property has already been disposed of, we should like to take this opportunity to ask a certain Mr. Nicholas J. Griffin to stop calling our office every five minutes.