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Posted by Dr. Boli on April 17, 2024. 3 comments.

Tragic backstories crafted to order. Why suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune? Suffering won’t get you what you want. Only the appearance of suffering earns compassion and its rewards, and appearances can be manufactured. You provide the ambition and the will to power; we provide the suitable tragic backstory to earn the sympathy of your dupes and victims.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on April 13, 2024. No comments.

Hey, how are you doing?

No, we don’t want the wretched details of your angst and depression. We want the polite, conventional response that establishes a connection and allows a productive conversation to ensue.

Don’t understand how that works? Call the Etiquette Hotline at KLangenfurt 5-4982 and speak to one of our volunteers, and then the next time someone tries to start a polite conversation, you won’t end up looking like such a moron.

Emergency Etiquette Intervention Services, offices in Baldwin Borough and Baldwin Township.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on April 9, 2024. No comments.

Let a board-certified psychic pick your coffee. What are your tastes? What are your preferences? What are your ethical standards? When it comes to coffee, no one knows better than your local psychic, because no one else can see inside your mind, and because no one else drinks so much coffee. North American Board of Caffeinated Psychics. “Don’t bother calling—we’ve already taken care of it.”

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Posted by Dr. Boli on April 5, 2024. No comments.

Analog fruit displays none of the artifacts or moiré patterns of cheaper digital fruit. You owe it to yourself to experience true fruit satisfaction. Call your Allied dealer today for a free estimate, and enjoy traditional analog fruit the day after tomorrow, or possibly next Wednesday, depending on how long your credit check takes. Allied Fruit Rendering Service, Inc., Natrona Heights.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 31, 2024. 3 comments.

Keep the Eostre in Easter

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 30, 2024. 3 comments.

Eclipse insurance. Congratulations! You’re in the path of totality, or as near as makes no difference. You’re hosting a party. You’ve bought your eclipse goggles. You’re all set for this rare and spectacular astronomical event.
Then April 8 comes, and it’s cloudy.
Not to worry! You’ve got this covered, because you bought Eclipse Insurance. Just call us now and pay the surprisingly reasonable premium with any major credit card. Then, when the day of the great event comes and all you see is a moderate dimming of the uniform grey blanket of stratus clouds, we’ll be there with a big box of chocolate-chip cookies.

Mrs. Puccini’s Actuarial Bakery, Brighton Heights.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 26, 2024. 2 comments.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 19, 2024. 2 comments.

Young man, I think you have a future.
You’re honest and sincere. You tell the truth as you see it, and you never take anything you’re not entitled to. You work hard, and you treat people fairly.
But I can fix all that. I can teach you how the business world really works. I can crush your naive idealism and get you ready to climb the corporate ladder.
Why will I do this for you? Because I believe you have a future, and because you’ll pay me $249.95 a session to show you the way forward in your career.
Call me now, because the first step in your recovery is understanding that you have a problem. The second step is writing a check.
Dr. Roland Holepunch, Ph.D., M.B.A., Certified Idealism Therapist

WARNING.

Posted by Dr. Boli on March 14, 2024. No comments.

Warning: This product contains addictive chemicals designed to remove you from the gene pool, but it’s not working fast enough. Could you stand in front of a bus while you vape?

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 8, 2024. 2 comments.

No matter who you are or where you come from you’re our neighbors and we’ll take your money.