Investors wanted for unique business opportunity selling injection-molded satisfaction. Not a metaphor. We have discovered by means of science a method of forming raw satisfaction into assorted novelty shapes through the magic of injection molding. Bound to go big when it hits the market. Need forward-thinking investors to finance large-scale manufacturing plant with large workforce, as our process depends on squeezing the satisfaction out of employees. Write to “Not a Scam” care of this magazine for prospectus.

Former high-school jocks wanted to muck out stalls in my stables. All through school you people sneered at me and mocked me and shoved me around. Then I inherited fifty million dollars, and none of you can get a job. Near minimum wage paid after probationary period. Benefits package includes shovel. I don’t trust you with pitchforks. Apply in person to Ormsby Scaffield Pinnington-Bryce IV, Sewickley Heights, and it will help your chances a lot if you grovel.