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Posted by Dr. Boli on May 26, 2025. One comment.

Everything but the corpse! Everyone looks good in basic black, so times of loss and grief are your times to shine. And at
Grimshawe’s Mourn-O-Rama, it doesn’t have to cost a fortune to look your best! We can’t supply the corpse (although we can recommend a very good service), but for all your other mourning supplies, Grimshawe’s has the up-to-the-minute fashions that will knock ’em dead.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on May 15, 2025. 2 comments.

I will lie to you. You want to know what the future holds. Every human being has that natural desire. But you certainly don’t want to know the truth about the future. Astrology, the most ancient science of history, has the answers to all your questions about things to come, and they are guaranteed to have no basis in reality.
Send your birth date, along with $1237 in cash or negotiable bonds to cover the nominal cost of this notice, and I will send you a free reading that shows how you were born under a lucky star and are destined never to fall victim to scams.

Doctor Solarion, Certified Astrologer

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Posted by Dr. Boli on May 12, 2025. One comment.

Did you ever dream of being a great canal builder—just like good ol’ whatsisname? You, too, could be a great canal engineer, just like that guy with the German name that everybody knows, and it’s just at the tip of our tongue, so we couldn’t find a picture to put in that oval, who built the Panama Canal. All you need is a good start. And that’s what we can give you. The Mon Valley Excavating Company, Inc., always needs men and women with drive and ambition to dig ditches. A canal is, after all, in conception nothing more than a big ditch. Even the great engineers had to start somewhere. Why not schedule your own interview today? Bring your own shovel.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on April 29, 2025. No comments.

I used to be a wallflower—now I’m regional manager! I used to be like you—a hopeless sap who couldn’t dance. I dreaded going to swell affairs where the people around me all knew how to fox trot and waltz and fandango and farandole. But then I took Morrow MacArthur’s home dance course, and after only five lessons, the boss called me into her office. “Bob,” she said (she calls me Bob, although my name is actually Wendell), “if I hear the pitty-pat of your shoes practicing dance steps one more time, it will drive me to drink. I’m making you regional manager, so you’ll be out on the road all day where I don’t have to hear you. Take this briefcase and get out.” Thanks, Morrow MacArthur! Now I’m in clover!

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Posted by Dr. Boli on April 16, 2025. 5 comments.

Turn your home equity into long-term debt! It’s easier than you think to turn an asset into a liability with a Home Equity Loan from Steamfitters & Phrenologists Federal Savings Bank. Come talk to one of our loan specialists to learn how you can use the value of your house to finance an extravagant lifestyle now, so you can experience sincere and wholesome repentance later.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on April 11, 2025. No comments.

Now even easier! Great news! The redesigned 1040 form is now even easier, because you can leave the gratuity to us! Just fill out your form as usual, and we’ll automatically add an 18% gratuity to your tax bill for the hard-working IRS employees who have to process these millions of forms.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on April 2, 2025. 2 comments.

“Your education is holding you back, Bob.
“You studied calculus while you were still in high school. You wrote you master’s thesis on Elizabeth Barrett Browning. You speak French, for Pete’s sake. You have a copy of American Scientist on your desk right now.
“But you’re in marketing now, Bob. You can’t afford that kind of stuff anymore. If you’re going to succeed you have to look—and act—just as dumb as the rest of us.
“I’m only saying this because I’m your friend. And because I’m your friend, I’m sharing what worked for me.
“Take this pencil. Fill out that form from the ISNSIP. They’ll make a new man of you—a man people like and trust. A man who thinks like normal people. It’s the only way you’re going to get ahead.”

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 25, 2025. 5 comments.

Learn phrenology by mail. Easy lessons make you an expert in six weeks and qualify you for a career in the Human Devel-opment department of any major cor-poration gullible enough to hire you. First lesson includes head. Subsequent lessons supply materials for each week’s study until you have acquired a complete collection of lumps.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 23, 2025. No comments.

Gluten free! Don’t miss our Lenten special: Till Easter, no extra charge for gluten in any Brenneman’s bread product.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 19, 2025. One comment.

Scotch the Wonder Horse Recognizes the words for “treat,” “apple,” “carrot,” “banana,” and “parsnip” in every major European language.