Until very recently the works of Tlepolemus the Grammarian were believed to be completely lost; but one partial leaf of his Book of Origins, in which he recounted the beginnings of various phenomena familiar in the Hellenistic Greek world, was discovered last year in a palimpsest shopping list from the eighth century. It has never before been translated into English.

…bans [Thebans?] began the custom of placing pithy sayings on the rear surfaces of their carts, for the entertainment of travelers stuck behind them on the highways.

Cheese was first discovered in Bithynia, but it was fed to hogs.

The men of Hydissus are said to be the originators of dancing, and it was on account of the heat of the sand there that men first began to dance. And the men of Hydissus are also said to be the originators of sandals, which happened at a later time, and this is why there are presently no dancers in Hydissus.

The Psophidioi were the inventors of snapping the fingers, for which their city was destroyed by Hera.

The ancient king of Aegium having fallen on his hindward parts, the men of Aegium discovered laughter, which until that time was unknown.

The priests of Delphi first discovered that three chords were sufficient for any sacred hymn to the gods.

It is said that the Lacedemonians were the first to limit their literary effusions to sevenscore letters, and this was a law of Lycurgus to prevent the men of Sparta from becoming bookish and effeminate. But in time the number of letters was doubled, and this was said to be the cause of the city’s falling to Philip when…

The Lost Cymbal, by Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle. Fact: In 1982, the director of the NSA jumped off the roof of the Little Tavern on Wisconsin Avenue. His only words as he recovered from his minor injuries were “Avedis Zildjian,” over and over again, until the nurse at Walter Reed told him to shut up.

Thus begins Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle’s latest globe-spanning suspense thriller, in which renowned Harvard cymbalogist Dirk Sizzle must evade the machinations of the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Priory of Sion, Opus Dei, the Little Sisters of the Poor, the American Association of Retired People, and a dangerously unstable labradoodle named Cuthbert to track down a legendary cymbal cast in 1623 by Avedis Zildjian himself.

It has often been remarked that the limited selection of punctuation marks in common use is not adequate to express the full range of human emotion. Here are some of the additional punctuation marks that have been proposed by competent authorities in the field of typography.

Your site should be hand-coded in minified HTML, with minified CSS and as much use of JavaScript as possible for ordinary functions that could be done with HTML and CSS. This will guarantee your loyalty to your current Web designer.

Always separate content from presentation. Then throw the content away.

When you place a slider at the top of your home page, carefully time the animation so that the information in any one panel cannot be absorbed before it dashes off to the left. This drives engagement. Specifically, it drives engagement with Dr. Boli’s site, which does not use sliders. Thank you very much.

Advertisements should be targeted specifically to viewers who have just bought one of the thing being advertised and have no need of another one.

Words in paragraphs should be too small for the eye to read, and words in headings should be too big for the brain to process.

Make sure to buy expensive software to make your site meet accessibility criteria. Make sure the software is not written by anyone with a disability. When people with disabilities complain that they can’t use your site, dismiss them as cranks.

Images should be inserted with no dimensions specified, and there should be large numbers of them, so that as the page loads the text hops around like sparrows under a café table. This turns reading your pages into a sort of arcade game, and your visitors will thank you for the entertainment.