Feel the freeze! Cools your mouth as you eat!

Dr. Boli imagines marketers sitting at a conference table piled high with martinis, trying to come up with a suitable slogan for this new advance in breakfast technology:

“The breakfast of masochists!”

No, not quite what we want.

“More than 400% of your US RDA of blue!”

The FDA would get on our backs.

“A convenience store in your bowl!”

Probably not what our target demographic is looking for.

At the end of the meeting, all they could agree on was that, in the box art, the milk in the bowl should look as much as possible like mucus.

But alas! it was not enough. We discovered this rare delight only because it was heaped in stacks along the sidewalk in front of an emporium in the Strip District in Pittsburgh that specializes in bent cans and past-their-prime packaged foods.

All the science that went into creating a breakfast cereal that has the same painful effects on the human palate as a frozen convenience-store froot drink was for naught, and the man on the next corner with a thrift-store karaoke machine begging quarters from passers-by for singing the greatest hits of John Denver may well have been one of the scientists responsible.

Parents, don’t let your children grow up to be breakfast-cereal chemists.

Make a detailed record of everything you eat for one week. Then show it to your doctors. The looks on their faces will be priceless.

Vegetables are important in every meal. If you are invited to a fancy dinner and find the menu deficient in vegetables, you can skip the appetizer and eat the floral centerpiece.

If your doctor says you are not getting enough minerals in your diet, try eating Venezuela, which Wikipedia says is very rich in minerals.

Before you eat any packaged snack food, read the list of ingredients from beginning to end. By the time you have finished, you will probably be too depressed to eat the contents of the package. Success!

Books about a fiber-rich diet are themselves rich in fiber.

Dear Dr. Boli: I was looking at some jewelry because I’m thinking of proposing to my girlfriend, although don’t tell her that because I’m still weighing my options here, but I noticed that this jewelry was really cheap, and that made me suspicious. So I asked the guy who was selling it down on the corner of Penn and 19th in the Strip, and he said it was cheap because this jewelry was made of paste. What kind of paste do they make jewelry from? That’s what I want to know. —Sincerely, Cheapskate Might-Be Fiancé.

Dear Sir: Different types of paste are used to produce different types of stones: tomato for rubies, library for pearls, tooth for diamonds, and so on. Naturally, jewelry so produced is not as durable as that produced from minerals dug up out of the earth or yanked from an understandably irritated oyster, but it is an option for the gentleman on a budget. Dr. Boli would add the caveat, however, that, while budget-priced jewelry may purchase you a budget-priced fiancée, better quality may be more economical in the long run.

Dear Mr. Flounder: I need to get groceries tomorrow, and I was wondering: Is this a good week for watermelons? —Sincerely, Shopper.

Dear Shopper: While skating along the astral plane this afternoon, I had a vision that went something like this. There were two lampposts, an Irish one and an Italian one, and the Italian lamppost said, “I say, old man, my dog has no nose!” And the Irish lamppost said, “Indeed? But how does he smell?” But by this time the Italian lamppost had turned into a hygrometer the size of the Koppers Building, and because it was so tall it did not hear the reply of the puny Irish lamppost, which remained a lamppost. And then a stag with blue antlers trotted between them and said, “I know something you don’t know,” and then it went down into the subway and caught a Silver Line car headed for Library, but it got off at Washington Junction. I believe this means you should avoid watermelons this week.

Superfruits.—Most so-called “superfruits” require at least two or three bounds to leap a tall building.

In a few years, more than fifty per cent of the American population will have no memory of sweet corn that is not bicolored.

Artificial intelligence will soon surpass human intelligence in its ability to misunderstand Scripture.

Helium.—If you inhale helium and then speak, your voice sounds comically high-pitched because sound travels faster in a gas that is less dense than atmospheric air. This means that, if you speak long enough, you will hear words you have not spoken yet. Try it sometime!

Ice cream can be made into a health food by adding some granola.

A diet rich in rusty nails will remedy most iron deficiencies. Be sure you are up to date on your tetanus shots.

Yogurt will prolong life indefinitely. If you know any people who have died, it is because they forgot to eat their yogurt.

Swedish rye crispbread is high in fiber. We can say that much for it, anyway.

Beans have no nutritional value until they are doused in brown sugar.

Ask your grocer whether kale is right for you. In some states it is available without a prescription.

Granola can be made into a complete source of protein by adding it to ice cream.