TONIGHT AT EIGHT.

Dumont Network: Harsh Words (crime drama). The hit Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with a cold but beautiful forensic etymologist. Tonight: Anonymous threats written in a clumsy undergraduate attempt at Moeso-Gothic lead Dr. Skeat to suspect that one of her old students has never forgotten his D minus.

The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: “How Would Jesus Vote?” Detailed instructions for choosing candidates for controller, county council, and registrar of deeds.

Northern Broadcasting System: Quirkville, PA (comedy-drama). The quirky comedy-drama about a quirky small town and the quirky people who live there. Tonight: In the series finale, chain stores buy out all the storefronts on Main Street, and Mayor Quentin Q. Quentin develops a mysterious ailment that makes him act normal.

MetromediaAl ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: “The Corinthians are revolting!” says Hephaestion. “You can say that again!” says Alexander. Will they be able to overcome their fits of giggles before the Persian ambassador arrives?

Golf NetworkThe Golf Show (golf). Tonight: Our ancestors used to use wooden clubs. Were they morons or what?

Baldwin Borough Community TVBurgess’ Weekly Address (public affairs). Highlight: List of residents exiled to Brentwood in this week’s purge.

Wolf Broadcasting CorporationFries with That (reality). The hot reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Derek’s attempt to refill the tape dispenser ends badly.

The Lawnmower ChannelThe Vegetable Garden (documentary). How to eliminate common vegetables and other broadleaf weeds with herbicides, preserving the purity of your lawn.

Science CentralGhost Investigators (documentary). Tonight: Although the show was canceled weeks ago, it still somehow continues to haunt the Science Central network once a week.