THE VAST INTERNATIONAL Conspiracy to Depopulate the Earth is soliciting proposals from all members.

For years we have attempted to kill off a large part of the world’s population by the most devious and sophisticated means. We have poisoned them with so-called “vaccines.” We have dumped noxious fluoride in their water supply. We have even attempted mass aerial poisonings with chemtrails.

And what has been the result? In spite of all the billions of dollars and incalculable man-hours we have poured into our conspiracy, human life-spans continue to grow longer. Not only have we failed to depopulate the earth, but we are forced to consider the possibility that we have had the opposite effect. It almost seems as though our aggressive programs of vaccination and fluoridation have improved public health!

Frankly, we’re getting a bit desperate here. Right now, we’d be getting better results just by whacking random people on the head with sticks. So, please, if you have any appropriately fiendish ideas, publish them in the usual academic journals, veiling them of course in the usual jargon. The usual lavish rewards will be forthcoming.


  1. Jared says:

    Dear Conspirators:

    Why don’t we try feeding them genetically modified foods? We’ll pull the wool over their eyes by arguing that it will help put essential nutrition within reach of far more people while providing healthier, more affordable choices to everyone — and they’ll buy it, too. Just like they bought Pasteurization. I still laugh at that one!

    Yours for the world order,
    Jozef Rockefeller van Zeeland III

  2. John M says:

    Dear Conspirators:

    I’d suggest giving them water – a substance known to cause death in large doses. However, small doses can be equally fatal – if you read the obituary column and check into the habits of the deceased, you’ll note that all of them drank water at some point!

  3. My fellow conspirators:

    Our original long-term project still has the best chances of success. By seeding the early Earth with photosynthetic bacteria, we have poisoned the atmosphere with deadly oxygen, which causes free radicals in the human body, rusts metal, feeds forest fires, and in general lives up to its name of a “reducing atmosphere”. Soon enough it will get around to reducing the human population.

    Yours &c,
    Professor Martin “The Mess” Weeblehopper IV

  4. Dr. Bjorn Bjornsen says:

    What’s all this I hear about an International Conspiracy to Defoliate the Earth? We tried that in Vietnam and they still have way too much jungle. We’d be creating an enemy of every Lawn Doctor on the planet.

    Ehhhh, that’s Conspiracy to DePOPULATE the Earth, Dr. Bjornsen.

    Ohhh, that’s very different. Never mind.

  5. Greybeard says:

    What if we flood the atmosphere with dihydrogenmonoxide? As a key ingredient in acid rain it would soon fill all our lakes and rivers.

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