A HOMELESS MAN was arrested on Smithfield Street last night and charged with vagrancy. The charges were later dropped when the man showed officers a wad of $20 bills, as the vagrancy laws quite clearly state that it is poverty and not homelessness that constitutes the crime.

Bozar the Clown has been arrested again, this time charged with changing the channel on televisions in several local restaurants. According to police reports, Mr. Bozar switched from the sports channel to a station running a documentary on the life of Stanford White. He is now in Woodville State Hospital for observation.

A county special-operations team was summoned to an alien landing site in Schenley Park yesterday. The officers determined that the alien beings came in peace and meant no harm, but were driving their space vehicle on an expired registration.

Police responded to a 911 call alleging that the hamburgers at the Burger Yurt on Wabash Avenue were consistently overdone. Having procured samples, responding officers agreed with the anonymous caller and arrested the manager of the Burger Yurt, charging him with mail fraud because the advertisements carried in this week’s Pennysaver specifically promised “juicy burgers.”

According to police statistics, crime in the immediate vicinity of doughnut shops continues to be more than 8,000% higher than the metropolitan average. A police-union spokesman said that maintaining a strong law-enforcement presence in the affected areas is therefore absolutely essential.