Dumont Network: Harsh Words (crime drama). The hit Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with a cold but beautiful forensic etymologist. Tonight: When Dr. Skeat realizes that everyone she knows has a phone number in the 555 exchange, she begins to suspect a vast conspiracy involving all cell-phone and land-line service providers.
The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: Rev. Bob-Bob’s special guest, noted firearms expert the Rev. Ralph Cackle, explains which automatic weapons Jesus wants you to keep on hand.
Northern Broadcasting System: Giggles and Sins (crime drama). The hit drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with an architectural-historian clown. Tonight: With Bozar on the run, Shackle finds it unexpectedly difficult to break in his new partner, the Great Blando.
Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: When Al accidentally kills the king of Persia, he and Hephaestion have to hide the body until they can forge a will leaving the Persian Empire to Al.
Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Lauren gets a gig selling flowers by the roadside, dreaming of the day when she’ll be promoted to selling food from a truck.
Science Central: The Puffin Whisperer (documentary). Meet the Icelander who has taught the puffins of Akurey Island to stuff envelopes, earning him the nickname “the Puffin Whisperer,” although usually he has to shout.
The Lawnmower Channel: World Cup 2014: The Science Behind the Turf (documentary). An in-depth, blade-by-blade look at the grass on which the world’s most prestigious football games are played.