Sir: Technology and science have improved our lives immeasurably. Humanity owes a debt that can never be repaid to all the researchers, inventors, and public-spirited scientists who have worked tirelessly to make it possible for the rest of us to sit inert in our recliners like some sort of fungus.
Of all the unsung heroes of technology, no one deserves more praise than the nameless woman or man who first compressed automatic-dishwasher detergent into an easily manipulated pellet. I remember when we used to have to measure detergent into a cup that was built into the dishwasher. No wonder lifespans were shorter in those days. Think of the countless seconds of labor saved by this one invention alone!
Technology, however, does not stand still, and it is vital to civilization itself for us to press forward with more and more improvements in labor-saving. That is why Ballot Initiative No. 16 is so important. It is the next logical step in labor-saving technology. By adding automatic-dishwasher detergent to the Mount Oliver municipal water supply, we eliminate the labor-intensive placement of the pellet in the dishwasher, not to mention the opening of the package of pellets, the removal of said package from the cabinet or drawer where it is stored, and the inexcusably inefficient trip to the grocery store to procure another package when the supply in the first one proves less than infinite. By voting for Ballot Initiative No. 16, we will be voting for the next stage in human evolution. We will be remembered in history as the generation that finally completed humanity’s transformation into a fungus—a new and glorious species of fungus, perfectly adapted to its environment (viz., the La-Z-Boy). When you vote this fall, don’t forget to vote YES on Ballot Initiative No. 16. It may be the last ballot initiative you ever have to vote on. —Sincerely, Russula Brevipes, Mount Oliver.