Windows. You have lost connection to the Internet, and nothing will work now. You are a failure as a user and as a human being.

Apple. Your Internet connection was temporarily interrupted and Cupertino lost contact with you, so we are sending a Genius to diagnose your problem. She will arrive in 5 to 7 minutes. She likes herbal tea with stevia.

ChromeOS. You’re not connected to the Internet! You can still get work done in offline mode, but we’ll erase it all when you’re back on line.

Ubuntu Linux. Uh-oh! Your Internet connection is gone! But don’t worry! Just visit our forums, and our happy online community of expert users will be delighted to answer your questions!



  1. KevinT says:

    CP/M. Internet? What the hell is that?

  2. Joseph Moore says:

    I’ve reached the conclusion Microsoft should be nuked from orbit. Attempting to use their current online versions of Office and it’s not merely that it’s bug-ridden garbage even by Microsoft standards, but that they’ve reworked the interface to make the most simple standard operations, hallowed by years of use, into inscrutable mysteries. Buggy mysteries. I’ve been reduced to screaming at the screen any number of times AFTER I figure out how to do something I’ve been doing with Microsoft products for 25 or 30 years. What used to one level deep in a more or less rationally named menu, or even a tool on the toolbar, is now buried several layers deep under some cryptic menu. A process that worked well after the manner of its kind now requires a degree in degenerate psychology to figure out.

    Add to this what appears to be some sort of implicit condemnation of certain activities: printing uses paper, which makes Mother Gaia cry, so hide the print function under a menu, and make the user click several times AND create a pdf before they’re allowed to print print anything.

    And so on. Sheesh.

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