Sir: The great problem facing our nation today is a lack of character in our youth. There is no royal road to character: it can be attained only by hardship and toil. Therefore it is vitally important that Americans have more children, because once we start building up the character of our young people, it is inevitable that a certain percentage of our children—roughly half—will not survive these character-building experiences. Only when we have an adequate and comfortable child surplus can we take the necessary steps to make sure that our children grow up virtuous.

How to accomplish this surplus I leave to the experts—the ornithologists and agricultural extension agencies and what have you. I understand that storks are involved in some capacity, which, if it is true, suggests that our nation also needs to build more disused chimneys as nesting sites. As is so often the case, one necessity leads another along in its train, and soon the suburbs are planted with cabbage patches as far as the eye can see. But the important thing is to get started now, so that I can start building some real character in those brats next door and not have to worry too much about “child abuse” and other outmoded concepts that stand in the way of virtue. —Sincerely, Prof. Margaret Tumble, President, Campaign for a Virtuous America.