Posts by Dr. Boli

KNOW YOUR ROAD SIGNS.

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Introducing for the First Time on Any Highway

Your Highway Department is very proud of the upcoming engineering feature. Please take a moment to appreciate the hard work that went into conceiving and executing the stretch of road beginning at the designated distance.

MASK EXEMPTIONS.

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Wherever face masks are required, don’t forget to take advantage of these mask exemptions.

1. The Cell-Phone Exemption. When I’m talking on the cell phone, I have to lower the mask so that the recipient of my call can hear me shouting.

2. The I’m-Talking-to-You Exemption. When I’m talking to you, it’s necessary for me to lower my mask so you can read my lips. It’s also necessary for me to lean close to you so you can hear me.

3. The Nose Exemption. It’s all right to cover my mouth, but I breathe through my nose.

4. The Pro-Forma Chin-Mask Exemption. As long as I have the mask on my chin, I’m technically “wearing” a mask.

5. The Belligerent-Jackass Exemption. I don’t have to wear a mask in your establishment unless you can demonstrate that you can be more of a jerk about it than I can be.

6. The Bad-Cough Exemption. I have a bad cough for some reason, and I can’t cough right with the mask on.

COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.

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The Grant Borough Pride Parade was such a success that the Burgess and council have decided the borough could use more events of the same type. Join us at the Borough Building Saturday, October 9, for the first annual Grant Borough Envy Parade. We have at least five other parades in mind if this one is a success.

GREAT NEWS IN THE WORLD OF BOTANY.

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The eighth edition of Gray’s Manual of Botany, the final and most comprehensive edition of the foremost guide to the botany of the northeastern United States, is available at the Internet Archive—all 1686 pages. Although it was published in 1950, the librarian at the University of Florida appends this note: “Copyright status reviewed by UF staff – out of copyright.” Yes, you read correctly: the eighth edition of Gray (which is ridiculously expensive in the used-book trade) is out of copyright. It seems the copyright was never renewed. We have added this edition to the Botany page in our Eclectic Library, and we expect a stampede of botanically inclined readers in the direction of the Internet Archive.

Gray’s Manual of Botany. Eighth (Centennial) Edition—Illustrated. A Handbook of the Flowering Plants and Ferns of the Central and Northeastern United States and Adjacent Canada. Largely rewritten and expanded by Merritt Lyndon Fernald. New York, etc.: American Book Company, 1950.

FRAUD ALERT.

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Hello. This is the fraud alert system. We are calling you to inform you that you are currently receiving a fraudulent phone call. Your account will be charged $599 if you press 1 now to speak with a representative and disclose your personal information. Please stay on the line patiently, as our representatives may be busy defrauding other customers. Thank you.

HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

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We recently received this message from one of our correspondents.

I have dirt on you.

Now I know everything.

Can you imagine what will happen when everyone finds out about your act?

The price of my silence is 0.21 BTC, transfer them to me by August 26 to this bitcoin wallet [REDACTED] otherwise I’ll tell everyone.

And then you will feel very bad.

Time has passed.

Now, Dr. Boli has some advice for this correspondent. This message is probably slightly more effective as an email than as a comment left on a random article on a Web site. In the latter case, the price of your silence is not 0.21 BTC; rather, a few lines of code buy your silence. They send your message straight to the spam folder, where it would never have been seen if Dr. Boli were not in the habit of examining that folder every once in a while to see whether there is something particularly amusing in it.

Also, to which act are you referring? If it is the one with the spinning plates, Dr. Boli has not performed that one in public for some time, but he still amuses the servants with it. Doubtless what would happen if everyone found out about that act would be that Dr. Boli would receive more employment applications for positions among the servants, but he has a servant who deals with those applications, so it would not inconvenience him very much.