Posts by Dr. Boli

MANUAL FOR GETTING TO GRIPS WITH COMPLEX LITERARY TEXTS IN THE HOME ENVIRONMENT.

English Literature students in England will be allowed to opt out of poetry in this year’s exams, on account of “difficulties for students in trying to get to grips with complex literary texts remotely.”

To Dr. Boli, this seems like a drastic step. But there is good news. If one can “opt out,” then one can also stay in. For his young English readers who do not wish to have their future careers hampered by a lack of poetic education, Dr. Boli presents this

MANUAL
FOR GETTING TO GRIPS WITH COMPLEX LITERARY TEXTS IN THE HOME ENVIRONMENT.

1. Hold the complex literary text in front of you with the front cover facing up. Note that there will be one side of the text on which the edges of the pages are not visible. That is called the spine, and if you are reading a text in English, it should be to your left.

2. Open the complex literary text by grasping the cover on the right-hand edge and moving it in an arc until it lies opposite its original position on the other side of the spine.

3. Repeat this process with the first few pages, ignoring the page with the title and author’s name in big type, until you come to a page with lots of words on it.

4. There are likely to be anywhere from a few to several dozen pages headed “preface” or “introduction.” In the complex-literary-text business, these are known as the “rubbish.” Keep turning past them, and you will arrive at the complex literary text.

5. Read the complex literary text.

6. Enjoy the bracing sensation of storms of electrical impulses raging across your neural network.

7. IMPORTANT: If the storms of electrical impulses become too violent for your personal comfort, a nice cup of tea will help.

GEORGE WASHINGTON IS HERE.

memoir-of-the-late-george-washington-by-an-associate

George Washington was, in the most literal sense, a giant among men. But only one book tells the whole truth about Washington the human being:

How his mastery of the art of the dispatch made winning actual battles superfluous.

How he captured Trenton with the power of money alone.

How he defeated Cornwallis even without the use of giant floating platforms and ships on rollers.

How he was bedeviled all his life by the sinister machinations of malevolent invisible animals.

This is the story of George Washington as it could be told only by one of his closest friends. You will never think of the Father of His Country the same way again, unless you already thought of him as a twenty-foot man pursued by an invisible mule named Irving.

Dr. Boli promised this book earlier in the year, and now here it is. You can read the first chapter on this site. Then you will doubtless wish to buy the book, which is waiting to wing its way toward you at the speed of diesel-powered vehicle, or even faster if you prefer the ebook version.

HOW DECIMAL CURRENCY WAS INTRODUCED IN THE UNITED STATES.

washington-rising

 

Monday, August 10, is George Washington Day. Be ready for the whole truth about the Father of His Country. Here is a very short specimen of what you may expect.

—

Meanwhile the business of creating a government occupied most of the meetings of Congress; and as Congress created the positions, the President was required to nominate men to fill them. Of course Washington could think of only one man to be the Secretary of the Treasury, and Mr. Hamilton was hardly able to contain his joy at being able to found his own currency.

“We shall base it on tens,” he explained, “which will at a stroke eliminate the difficulties of converting between pounds, shillings, dollars, and all the other coins that jangle in our purses; and we shall have a national currency, so that there will be no complicated formula, as there is now, to convert the coin of New Hampshire to that of North Carolina. As the people are familiar with the name, and as it carries no memories of our oppression by the British, we shall call our coin the dollar, and if—”

“And these dollars,” Washington interrupted—“of what size and weight will they be?”

“The weight, of course, will depend on the value we assign to the United States dollar; as for the size, we shall consult with the men we choose to run our mint, who will be able to tell us how such and so much a weight of silver is best distributed in a coin.”

“These are very important considerations from the point of view of a coin’s projectile properties,” said Washington. “The Spanish milled dollar travels well through the air, and possesses enough heft to carry it to its target without being too much buffeted by the wind. I should hate to see an American dollar without those properties; for men who throw dollars for sport are very particular about the dollars they throw, and might reject our United States dollar if its range and accuracy do not meet their expectations.”

“I am certain you could persuade our mint to take those considerations into account,” said Hamilton. “Now, as I said, multiples of ten will—”

“A milled edge also improves the grip, which for sporting purposes is one of the most important considerations.”

“Yes. The grip. Now, as I was saying, we shall make our dollar divisible into tens, which we might call ‘dimes,’ as being, of course, the tenth part of a dollar. A tenth part of a dime would then be a ‘cent,’ because it is the hundredth part of—”

“I thought you said it was the tenth part.”

“It is the tenth part of a dime, and therefore the hundredth part of a dollar.”

“Why can’t it make up its mind?”

“It is both at the same time!”

“My word! That’s clever.”

“And then the tenth part of a cent would be a mill, bec—”

“Because it is the millionth part of a dollar!”

“No,” Hamilton explained with strained patience, “only the thousandth part.”

“Then why is it called a mill?”

“Because it is—”

“Why not a thou?”

“Because the names come from Latin, or rather—”

“Oh, Latin,” said Washington knowingly. “Well, Latin is another matter altogether.”

Hamilton was about to say something more, but then appeared to realize that he had won as much of a victory as he was likely to win in this discussion, and resumed his earlier topic. “As I was saying, the division into tens will make calculations much easier for ordinary shopkeepers and merchants, who will find their duties lightened considerably.”

“For example,” said Washington, “if I buy a turkey quill at Stimson’s in Alexandria for one bit, which is an eighth of a dollar, then that comes to…now let me see…”

“Twelve and a half cents,” said Susanna.

“Twelve and a half? Well, that doesn’t sound very easy at all. How is that easier than saying ‘one bit,’ Hamilton?”

“It just is!” Hamilton sputtered. “Tens are easier!”

I looked at Susanna, but she had nothing more to say. With Hamilton’s explosion, she had accomplished her goal.

HOW WASHINGTON AND DE GRASSE PLOTTED TO DEFEAT CORNWALLIS.

washington-rising

Monday, August 10, is George Washington Day. Be ready for the whole truth about the Father of His Country. Here is a very short specimen of what you may expect.

—

“It sounds very well,” said Washington, “but how are we to be sure of victory against so great an army? Cornwallis has greater numbers on his side.”

“The French fleet, sir, will be essential,” replied Susanna. “Cornwallis, we hear, has taken a position on the peninsula. If the French can prevent his escape by water, and prevent his being reinforced or resupplied, then we need only block the land routes, and we have him.”

This seemed like good advice to Washington, and so Admiral de Grasse was summoned to a meeting with the General, at which La Fayette was also present, along with Susanna and me. We unrolled a large map of the peninsula between the York and James rivers, and the three great leaders studied it in intense silence for a while. At last Washington spoke.

“If we dispose our soldiers here, on the north and east, with Fayette’s French army on the south, then you, Admiral, should be able to cut off Cornwallis completely by water to the west.”

“Yes,” de Grasse agreed, “the plan, it is excellent. He shall not escape us, by blue.”

Susanna looked down at the map. “I believe, sirs, that you have mistaken the water for the land, and the land for the water. These wavy lines here, you see, indicate the water; the land is this area behind them, here.”

“Ah!” said Washington. “Thank you, Phillips. Well spotted. That is important information, and complicates the strategy considerably. We cannot expect the men to stand very long in water that is possibly up to their necks, or even over their heads. We shall need to make some adaptations; perhaps some sort of bridge or pier assembly, or better yet a series of floating wooden platforms with which we can surround the peninsula on three sides, and on which the men can stand dryshod for an indefinite period of time. It will require a good bit of wood, which will require a good bit of labor; although the labor will be hastened considerably if we can find any large stands of wild cherry. That will do for the army; but, unless I am very much mistaken, the disposition of the fleet will require at least as much thought and labor, if not more.”

“Very assuredly,” the Admiral agreed. “I believe that a construction of the rollers, made perhaps of the trunks of the trees, will be necessary for the placing of the ships in position, if indeed suitable trees find themselves nearby.”

“Well, there fortune favors us,” said Washington. “Tidewater Virginia has many stands of pine that grow straight and tall, with few branches until very near the top; such trees would, it seems to me, make admirable rollers for our purposes.”

Susanna was sitting with her head down, her eyes closed, and her fingers on her temples; but now she spoke again. “If I may be so bold, sirs, it might be better to reverse the positions of the army and the fleet.”

The General and the Admiral both looked at her blankly for a moment; then Washington spoke slowly and cautiously. “Do you mean, the army on the land, and the navy in the water?”

“Yes, sir,” Susanna said with care and patience. “Each force deployed in its native element, so to speak.”

“My word, Phillips! How much simpler that makes everything! You see, Admiral, why I insist on having Captain Phillips present whenever we discuss strategy.”

GEORGE WASHINGTON IS COMING.

washington-rising

Monday, August 10, is George Washington Day. Be ready for the whole truth about the Father of His Country.

The painting, “Washington Rising,” is an unwilling collaboration between Frederic Church and Gilbert Stuart.

CURIOUS HABITS OF INSECTS.

Meliponine bees, though stingless, defend themselves very effectively with sarcasm.

In a fascinating example of a symbiotic relationship, the Likwangbala lightning bug cannot attract a mate unless it is followed at a suitable interval by the Likwangbala thunder beetle.

Monarch butterflies actually have a republican form of government.

Xingu army ants practice a sort of husbandry, raising and tending a particular species of aphids to serve in their brass bands.

The intricate aerial dance of gnats can be fatally disrupted by playing ragtime music on a banjo nearby.

After exhaustive studies of their aerial maneuvers, entomologists have determined that dragonflies are big showoffs.

THAT ZEBRA AGAIN.

Dr. Boli is in the habit of leaving no stone unturned when there is information to be sought. Most of the time he finds potato bugs, but now and then he does stumble across the thing he was looking for. In this case, he has found a German translation of the book Regnum Congo, Hoc est Vera descriptio regni Africani, quod tam ab incolis quam Lusitanis Congus appellatur (The Kingdom of Congo; that is, a True Description of the African Kingdom, Which by the Natives as Well as by the Portuguese is Called Congo), from which he took the de Bry brothers’ illustration of a Zebra two days ago. The German translation uses the same cuts, and the owner did in fact have them hand-colored. Unfortunately the text that described the Zebra was in the vernacular language of the colorist, so he was able to follow the description explicitly. Still, the result, you will certainly agree, is striking.