Posts by Dr. Boli

RHETORICAL QUESTIONS FOR YOUR INSUFFICIENTLY OUTRAGED FRIENDS.

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Why are you eating French toast? Do you hate America that much?

What gives you the right to decide whether a carrot lives or dies?

Do you know how many poets and peasants have to die to make one Poet and Peasant Overture?

Don’t you realize that every time you ride the streetcar you put 0.0014 auto worker out of work?

How can you play a game like that that normalizes war and violence, and can’t you see your knight could take her bishop?

COPYRIGHT NOTICE.

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No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, recited into a Dictaphone, applied as a wallpaper pattern, etched in pewter, translated into Latin hexameters, spelled out in cupcakes, mumbled in a monotone under your breath, scrawled on the side of a goat, tapped out in Morse code in your lonely cell in solitary confinement, or skywritten without a note from your mother.

A GUEST POET TRIES AGAIN.

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These sensitive lyrics may sound strangely familiar to our readers. The same poet sent us an earlier version of this work, but since then she has been polishing it into a masterpiece.

“If They Knew How Ordeal Loved Me”

by Maria Kalaeva

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And I don’t deficiency to omit how your agent sounds
These words are all I secure so I send a letter them
I for them upright to and get by
Romp, ball
We’re falling separately to halftime
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And these are the lives you fondness to contribute to
Romp, this is the way they’d dear one
If they knew how ordeal loved me

ASK DR. BOLI.

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Dear Dr. Boli: What is the secret of your longevity? I’m asking for a friend. —Sincerely, Elizabeth R., Buckingham Palace, Westminster.

Dear Madam:  Dr. Boli refuses to die until he is given a positive guarantee that no one will attempt to memorialize him with a decal on the back window of an SUV. At present no one has offered a guarantee he considers sufficiently positive.

ASK DR. BOLI.

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Dear Dr. Boli: My cousin the guitar-strummer recently took up the lute, and now she says she’s going to quit her job at the Metro Mart and travel the world with an early-music ensemble. But what I want to know is this: What is “early music”? Is that that stuff the kids listen to at their orgies? And should I be worried about my cousin’s eternal welfare? —Sincerely, Rev. Angus Dour, Minister, John Knox Real No-Foolin’ Presbyterian Church, Trafford.

Dear Sir: You are correct that “early music,” which is commonly taken to mean the Renaissance and Baroque periods, is just about the latest thing in music. This timeline will make its relationship to the overall musical tradition clear:

As for your question about whether your cousin’s eternal welfare is in danger, you should probably not worry unless she begins expressing an interest in the Romantics, in which case you may have legitimate cause for concern.