Posts by Dr. Boli
FAMOUS QUOTATIONS COMPLETED.
“A man’s life is his monument, but a big pile of zinc doesn’t hurt either.”
(The pictures are borrowed from Father Pitt’s Pittsburgh Cemeteries.)
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE CIVIL WAR.
Most historians agree that Jefferson Davis would have made a fair-to-middling registrar of deeds, as long as someone else dealt with the public for him.
Throughout their existence, the Confederate States of America successfully avoided the evils of political parties. And look what happened.
Contrary to popular belief, the Confederate battle flag is not a symbol of racism; it is simply a symbol of Southern tradition—specifically, the Southern tradition of keeping Africans in their place.
About 10% of the male population of fighting age died in the Civil War, but that was all right because there were too many young men loitering in front of cigar shops anyway.
It took a man of Jefferson Davis’ talents to lose the Civil War for the South; it took a man of Rutherford B. Hayes’ talents to lose it for the North.
If you examine American history with care, you will find that the phrase “states’ rights” invariably refers to the rights of states to oppress some group of individual residents. Try it sometime!
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LEARN TO DRAW THE ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONIST WAY.
Traditional methods of drawing emphasize creating the illusion of thingness through representation of the irrelevant and distracting details of the thing. Abstract expressionism rejects such artificial illusion and purifies art to its essentials.
It is a mistake, however, to assume that abstract expressionist art is not representational. Nothing could be further from the truth. Abstract expressionism seeks true representation by eliminating the irrelevant, leaving only the essential of the thing represented.
Let us take as an example this drawing of a stagecoach:
In this old-fashioned drawing, the artist has wasted minutes, perhaps even hours, of effort on the various parts of four separate horses, the wheels of the coach, and even individual passengers inside, when it is clear that the essential element of the picture is its horizontality. The properly trained artist therefore reproduces only what is essential in his production:
Stagecoach, by Lambert Bedlam.
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On the other hand, in this picture of Anna Karenina, inspired by the heroine of Tolstoy’s novel, the essential element is diagonality.
[This image died in the great Postimg massacre.]
Here the artist has expended a simply obscene amount of labor on irrelevancies, going so far as to duplicate every wrinkle of each glove. The abstract expressionist, on the other hand, at once recognizes what is essential, and reproduces that alone:
Anna Karenina, by Vitaly Wallaby-Perkins.
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Who can doubt that Tolstoy would recognize his heroine at once?
Having once seen the method, we can immediately understand how the painters of the following works have applied it to their chosen subjects:
The American Mail Steamer John L. Stephens Arriving at Liverpool, by Ratchet Dawson III.
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Nude Reading the Congressional Record, by Emily Pitchfork.
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Frank Julian Sprague Falling Down an Elevator Shaft, by Arnold M. Shoehorn.
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Rose Mary Woods Accidentally Erasing 18½ Minutes of Conversation, by Richard M. Nixon.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
NOTES ON ETIQUETTE.
It is considered poor form for a gentleman to wear spats to bed.
Clear broth is eaten with a broth sponge, which on a properly set table is placed to the northeast of the soup plate (or southwest in the southern hemisphere).
It is considered gauche to use one’s relatives as human shields when confronting the police. Choose a random stranger instead.
Reigning monarchs are generally permitted only one beheading at each formal state dinner, except in cases of insurrection.
In greeting a United States Senator at a public function, a citizen is allowed one sarcastic remark. Remember that other people are standing in line.
When a gentleman addresses a lady with whom he is not acquainted as “babe,” it is permissible for the lady to take steps to ensure that the gentleman shall not reproduce.
Although asparagus may be eaten with the fingers, at formal functions it is usually served with a pair of long-nosed pliers.
IN THE NEWS.
A man was admitted to Woodville State Hospital for observation after police picked him up wandering the streets of Beltzhoover in the early-morning hours “making sounds like a werewolf or coyote,” according to police reports. The man, who was not named pending notification of next of kin, appears to be a student at Point Park University. According to a man claiming to be the patient’s roommate, the patient had been a volunteer Wikipedia editor, and had spent several days on a project to add grammatically appropriate definite articles in the sections on Russian history when “something snapped.”
FOR SELF-HYPNOSIS.
This instructional video comes from a commercial outfit that sells batteries, and Dr. Boli would not like it thought that he endorses a product of which he has no practical knowledge. But there is something wonderfully and soothingly hypnotic about a video showing how to replace a Kindle battery set to the music of Ravel’s Boléro.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
A CURIOUS QUESTION FROM GOOGLE.
What effect will it have on the outcome of today’s election if Dr. Boli does claim to be the owner of Allegheny County Elections? Will he be able to buy the candidates he prefers? Perhaps he will try the experiment. If you are thinking of offering yourself as a candidate, hoping thereby to earn a little spare cash, you should know that, as a rule, Dr. Boli prefers to purchase only candidates who are completely incorruptible.