Posts by Dr. Boli
Advertisement.
It’s World Homeopathy Awareness Week, so we are reprinting a number of features having to do with this fascinating alternative to medicine.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I keep hearing some cop shows called procedurals, and I was wondering: what’s the difference between a procedural and a detective story? —Sincerely, Prof. Arthur Conan Dinkleberger, Duck Hollow University Department of Popular Entertainment.
Dear Sir: A procedural is a particular kind of detective drama in which dogged work alone leads to the solution of the mystery. In the classic detective story, the detective must make some clever deduction from the facts of the case, which are in themselves apparent to everyone; the solution comes because the detective sees some pattern or indication in those facts that no one else sees. In a procedural, the detectives gather facts until the last fact falls into place, and then the solution to the mystery is obvious to everyone, including the janitor at the precinct house. In other words, a procedural is a story in which the mystery can be solved by Dr. Watson alone, without any assistance from Sherlock Holmes, or by the Parisian police without Auguste Dupin. We might say that the difference is that the classic detective story is interesting, whereas the procedural is a slog. Or to put it another way, a procedural is a detective story for stupid people.
“The Purloined Letter,” by Edgar Allan Poe, is a perfect illustration of the difference between a procedural and a detective story. The Parisian police gather all the evidence it is in their power to gather; they poke and measure and even bring out the microscopes. In a modern “procedural” drama, that would be the story. But they fail, and Dupin, possessing the same evidence, comes to the conclusion that only he can come to.
Here is the original story, as it was first printed in The Gift for 1845.
DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.
It’s World Homeopathy Awareness Week, so we are reprinting a number of features having to do with this fascinating alternative to medicine.
—
PUZZLINGLY DISMISSIVE QUOTATION OF THE DAY.
From a review in the Independent of an exhibition of Norman Rockwell’s art currently showing in London:
By the 1960s, Rockwell, whose wife had died, gave up the Saturday Evening Post to develop a different, more political type of illustration. It was partly out of a desire to engage with issues such as desegregation (he was on the side of civil rights out of an old-fashioned belief in equality)…
Here Dr. Boli stops reading, distracted by an intellectual puzzle. He is still puzzling, in fact, because he cannot answer this simple question: What other reason is there for being on the side of civil rights?
Dr. Boli has a confession to make that will probably disappoint many of his readers, which is that Norman Rockwell’s illustrations always give him a vaguely queasy feeling. But the review in the Independent made him want to leap to Rockwell’s defense. Mr. Rockwell and Dr. Boli do at least share an old-fashioned belief in equality; and if it is old-fashioned, then Dr. Boli will take care never to allow his own beliefs to be brought up to date.
Advertisement.
It’s World Homeopathy Awareness Week, so we are reprinting a number of features having to do with this fascinating alternative to medicine.
—
ASK DR. BOLI.
It’s World Homeopathy Awareness Week, so we are reprinting a number of features having to do with this fascinating alternative to medicine.
—
Dear Dr. Boli: I have a small splinter in my toe, and my friends recommended digging it out with a sterilized needle. That sounds like it would hurt. I was wondering: Is there a non-invasive homeopathic remedy for splinters? —Sincerely, A Man with a Splinter in His Big Toe, Specifically the Left One.
Dear Sir: Dr. Boli is not a doctor of homeopathy, but he has consulted with a number of well-known homeopaths who prefer to remain anonymous. This is the answer they provided.
First, it is important to determine whether the splinter is a wood splinter. We shall assume that it is; but if it is a splinter of something else–glass or ceramic, for example–then please write again and give more specific details.
As homeopathy operates on the principle that whatever in measurable quantities causes a symptom will in infinitesimal quantities cure the same, the homeopathic remedy for a wood splinter is, of course, sawdust highly diluted. The dilution must be in inverse proportion to the size of the splinter; for, as homeopathic remedies are stronger the more they are diluted, it should be plain to the veriest tyro that a larger splinter will require a stronger and therefore greater dilution. For an average splinter, a 15C dilution of sawdust is recommended.
It goes without saying that you should not attempt to manufacture this dilution yourself. Even if you could provide the properly sterile distilled water and the necessary measuring equipment, there are certain incantations which, without going into any detail, Dr. Boli’s homeopathic consultants have darkly hinted are required in order to render the remedy effective.
Dr. Boli’s correspondents asked him to remind you that homeopathic remedies may take some time to work through your system to the big toe, the time depending in particular on the strength and magnetic orientation of your vital force. Should infection set in, remind yourself that what allopaths call “infection” is in fact nature’s way of dealing with an interruption to your body’s perfect health. Should the infection progress, Dr. Boli’s correspondents have pointed out that amputation is an entirely natural and drug-free alternative to homeopathy.
Advertisement.
It’s World Homeopathy Awareness Week, so we are reprinting a number of features having to do with this fascinating alternative to medicine.
—
THE HOLLYWOOD PUBLICITY MILL AT WORK.
“The film was also the first to depict Jesus Christ as a character in a motion picture,” says a Wikipedia article about the 1916 movie Civilization, a grand allegorical spectacle that, like Woodrow Wilson, kept us out of war (until, of course, we got into the war).
The Wikipedia article explains that “George Fisher was given the daunting role of playing ‘The Christ’ in Civilization. He was ‘the first cinema actor to portray Christ for the screen’”—a statement quoted from a contemporary article in the Los Angeles Times that rather breathlessly tells us how Mr. Fisher “lived the life of a recluse, spending his time in study and meditation” in preparation for the role. It even quotes him in words so obviously generated by the the Ince studios’ publicity department that the reporter must have blushed purple as he typed them: “I can say in truth that the playing of this part has affected my whole life and the impressions will never leave me. I have tried earnestly and sincerely, with a deep prayer in my heart, to bring a message to the world, one which will reach, perhaps, millions. Now my only wish is that whoever may witness the performances of ‘Civilization’ will realize only the truth and beauty of the message.”
Nothing has changed in ninety-nine years: publicists still ladle out barefaced lies, and reporters eagerly slurp them up because the alternative would be working for a living. Barefaced lies? Yes; you, dear readers, know that the whole story was a lie, because you have seen The Life of Christ, a film that was a great success in 1912, making a profit at least twenty-five times its budget, according to that film’s own Wikipedia article. A film so successful would not have been forgotten in Hollywood circles four years later. But it was useful publicity to suggest that the portrayal of Christ on screen would be something daringly new. So the publicity department simply lied (which is doubtless what Jesus would have done in their place), and a century minus a year later, we still believe the lie. At this point, we must bow in simple admiration of the publicist’s craft.
THE BOLI BASH BUTTON.
Are you tired of running out of those little plastic single-serving coffee doodads for your expensive automatic coffee maker? Do you wish the supply of foie gras in the refrigerator would never end?
Your troubles are over. At least your troubles in regard to the procurement of expensive consumables are over; Dr. Boli makes no promises about that trouble with your Aunt Margaret and the banjolele, about which he promises never to speak again. Simply install the Bash Button where you keep your supplies. When you are running low, you bash the button, and the world’s first intelligent commodity-procurement system swings into action.
What do we mean by “intelligent?” Simply this: the Bash commodity-procurement system is the first such system in the world that intelligently analyzes whether you actually need the commodity in question. Do you really need printer cartridges when you could write a letter with a pen and ink? Do you really need foie gras when you could eat chipped ham? Do you really need little plastic cups with single servings of stale coffee powder when you could have much better and cheaper coffee by grinding it yourself? Probably not.
At his age, Dr. Boli has come to realize that most people in the world today have an unhealthy attachment to material things. Therefore, when you bash the Bash, it is very likely that nothing will happen at all. Think of the money you’ll save!
Currently the Bash program is in beta testing, and participation is by invitation only. If you find a wax-sealed envelope with your name engraved on it in your mailbox, open it at once! It’s your ticket to the next stage in the evolution of home shopping.
LET’S VISIT CANADA.
Part of this picture is land, part sky, and part road. As an amusing parlor game, ask your guests to identify which is which.
Photo by Wikimedia Commons user “CambridgeBayWeather,” under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.
—
Part 12.—What to See in the Territories.
Far to the north, many miles from the populous safety zone huddled along the United States border, are three Canadian territories notable for the outstanding natural scenery that is assumed to exist in them by people who have never been there. Almost all this vast land, and a great deal more besides, formerly belonged to the Hudson’s Bay Company, making it the single largest piece of territory ever governed by a department-store chain. The company transferred the land to the Canadian federation in 1870, and since then has steadfastly refused to take it back.
The Yukon has a population roughly equal to that of the municipality of Bethel Park, Pennsylvania. Its main industry is providing settings for silent-movie dramas about the Yukon Gold Rush. Since the silent-film industry has been in a bit of a slump lately, the Yukon is not as prosperous as its convenient location and bracing climate might lead one to expect.
Whitehorse, the capital, is now the largest city in the Canadian North. With a population nearly as large as that of East Peoria, Illinois (Dr. Boli does intend to keep making these population comparisons throughout the article, in case you were wondering), Whitehorse is well on its way to becoming a generic Canadian city with a Tim Hortons on every corner—proof, if any were needed, that the territories are capable of advanced civilization.
Dawson City was the great gold-rush boomtown of 1898, and is now maintained as a perfect movie-studio backlot setting for gold-rush dramas. Strict regulations require all new construction to be in the same rickety boomtown style, creating full employment in the construction industry, since builders know that any building they put up will fall down again in six months. Citizens of Dawson are required to participate in at least one colorful saloon fight each week, which successfully keeps the population low in spite of the boom in the construction industry.
The Northwest Territories very narrowly escaped being called “Bob” when the eastern parts were split off to become Nunavut (see below). The great rubber-suited monster Conventionality, however, rose up out of Ottawa and made sure the residents of the territory were not allowed to amuse themselves.
With a population roughly equivalent to that of Findlay, Ohio, this is the most populous of the territories. The capital, Yellowknife (population roughly equivalent to that of Norton, Massachusetts), is the largest city in the world named for a rusty weapon, having recently exceeded the population of Crumbling Bent Iron Pipe, Montana. It is the cultural hub of the Canadian North, having a large and well-appointed high-school auditorium for concerts, bake sales, etc.
Polar bears are one of the leading attractions in the Northwest Territories. In order to see the bears at close hand, tourists are advised to dress in sealskin coats completely covering their bodies and lie horizontally near a hole in the ice.
Nunavut is an area the size of western Europe with the population of Parkersburg, West Virginia. It was created to settle land claims made by the aboriginal population. “We’ll give you a place with plenty of elbow-room,” the federal government said. “And you won’t believe how much waterfront property!” Thus the long era of cheats and deceptions perpetrated by European settlers against aboriginal Americans finally came to an end.
Water, most of it in solid form, is one of the leading features of Nunavut. This gives much of the landscape a certain pleasing minimalist uniformity, as if it were designed by Robert Rauschenberg in his monochromatic period. The capital, Iqaluit, is a thriving urban center known for its museums celebrating the culture of the region, most notably the Museum of Frozen Explorers, in which some of the most distinguished visitors to Baffin Island are exhibited in astonishingly lifelike three-dimensional displays.
The territorial bird of Nunavut is Lagopus muta. The territorial flower is Saxifraga oppositifolia. There used to be a territorial tree near the southern border, but it died.