Posts by Dr. Boli
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Why can you point out something to a dog with your foot, but not your hand? —Signed, Mixed Signals in Morningside.
Dear Sir or Madam: It is because your dog has become accustomed to the idea that your hand may conceal something you intend to eat—something that, at any moment, the gravity gods may liberate from your hand and drop as a blessing from heaven upon the dog. Therefore, if you attract the dog’s attention to the hand, of course your dog’s attention will be fixed on the hand. Feet, on the other hand (so to speak), never do anything useful for dogs except walk you to the place where the food is kept, so your dog’s attention is free to notice the thing you point at with your toe. This fact of canine psychology tends to make the simple act of pointing out a crumb on the floor into a kind of ballet, which is very entertaining for the other members of your household—especially your cat if you have one.
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AL’S WILDERNESS SURVIVAL.
Well, here we are with Al’s Wilderness Survival, a brand-new show where we learn how to survive in the great outdoors. I’m Al, and some of you may know me from Herb’s Cooking for One, where I’ve been filling in for Herb while he’s feeling a bit out of sorts, which—well, the doctors are saying we should see an upturn by 2023 or so, so hang in there, Herb.
I’ll still be filling in for Herb, but today I’m doing this new show, because my wife said I had to get a real job. So I thought, What am I really good at? And my wife answered,—cause apparently I talk when I think,—she answered, “Surviving.” And I said, “Why do you say that?” And she said, “Because we’ve been married twelve years and I haven’t killed you yet.” Ha ha! I think that was supposed to be a joke.
So I went to the producer of Herb’s show, and I told him my idea, and he said, “Sure! And let’s make it really real, you know, by sending you way, way out in the woods with no crew or anything—just a camera you can put on a tripod, and there you are.” And here I am. I had to buy the camera myself, but I know the budgets aren’t what they used to be for these shows.
So the first thing you need when you’re stuck out in the woods is shelter. Now, I could sleep in my car, which is parked right over there, but hey, we’re guys, right? What’s the point of surviving in the wilderness if you don’t build your own shelter, just like the pioneers had to do?
So that’s what I’m going to do. I brought my trusty old chainsaw—see how it’s “Pioneer” brand?—and I thought I’d make myself a nice little log cabin. I’ve never made a log cabin before, but I’ve seen pictures of them, and they’re basically just logs in stacks, right? So all we need is some logs. And there are lots of logs in this big old tree right here, if we just get them out of the tree. So we fire up the chainsaw and—
[—————inaudible—————]
Well, that was kind of my fault. One of the things you have to think about when you’re cutting down a tree is which way it’s going to fall, and one of the other things you have to think about is where your car is parked. But that will probably buff out, once I find all the pieces of the roof. But anyway, we have our tree down, so we can start making it into logs. And I think I’ll just stop the camera for a while, cause it’s going to get kind of repetitive. I’m just going to take off the branches, and then saw this trunk into six-foot lengths.
Okay, we’re back with some logs, and we’re ready to start piling them up. Now, I’ve left this big log here, and then I figure I’ll take this other log and—well, gosh, logs are heavy, aren’t they? I don’t think I can move this at all. I mean, how did those stupid pioneers ever get these things built? They must have been crazy. So I think what we need is something else, like maybe a twig cabin. Or a teepee. After all, the Indians knew everything about wilderness survival, didn’t they? What we can do is set up a bunch of these branches—well, the big ones are kind of heavy, too, aren’t they? But I’ll take some of the smaller ones, and we can sort of stand them up in a sort of teepee shape. Well, they fall right over, don’t they? I guess the Indians were idiots, too. I don’t know how they ever got anything put up. Maybe they had, like, more than one guy working on it.
All right, well, it looks like I need help. One of the things you have to learn, guys—and I know it’s hard, because you want to be all macho and independent—but one of the things you have to learn is to know when you need help, and don’t be afraid to ask for it.
That’s why I brought this cell phone, and why I made sure I had the numbers I needed in it if I needed to get help. So I’m dialing one of those now. See, I have it right here in my favorites. It’s ringing, and— Hello? Oh, good, I got you. Listen, this is Al. I’m about three miles off Route 173 on this dirt road called County Route 1283, and what I need is an extra large, with pepperoni and sausage. Oh, and some of that cheese garlic bread, too. Yeah, and a six-pack of Duke. Okay? Forty-five minutes? Great. Thanks. —You see folks, when you’ve got to survive in the wilderness, the essential thing is to be prepared. That’s why I put the Giordano’s Pizza number in my cell phone ahead of time. So this is Al for Al’s Wilderness Survival, saying, Hope you survive till next week’s show. See you then.
BALAOO, THE DEMON BABOON.
You may tell Dr. Boli that you have no wish to see this movie, but Dr. Boli will know you are lying. Since a reader asked, here is the original source of this cartoon. The picture advertised here was released in 1913, and Dr. Boli is not aware of any surviving prints; but he would be happy if someone could find one. The plot, incidentally, was taken from a novel by Gaston Leroux, author of The Phantom of the Opera. There was an English translation published in 1913—the same year this movie came out, since production cycles were very short in those days—but Dr. Boli has been unable to find it. If you read French, however, you can find the original on Google Books (click on the image below). —UPDATE: A regular reader went to Australia to fetch us back a copy of the English translation (see the comment below).
ADVICE TO MATTRESS MERCHANTS.
On a certain stretch of suburban commercial highway are three mattress dealers. These merchants gather in groups for the same reason that car dealers do: shoppers are attracted by the opportunity to do some comparison shopping and will go where they know there are many choices, so that an individual dealer will make more sales, oddly enough, in proximity to the competition.
Now, the sight of three mattress dealers—all different companies—in the same block suggests that competition in the mattress business must be healthy. Nevertheless, as Dr. Boli rode past in the Duesenberg, he could not help noticing that all three had festooned their windows with identical “0%/4 years” posters, and identical “QUEEN SET $198” posters. By “identical” Dr. Boli means precisely that: they were the same white type on the same red background, certainly produced by the same printer.
Clearly this is not evidence of price-fixing or trust-forming in the mattress business, because such things are illegal, and mattress dealers are famous for their unimpeachable ethics. Still, as a matter of appearance, it is undesirable. It creates the impression of shady dealings where, of course, none exist in reality.
Dr. Boli therefore offers mattress dealers this unsolicited advice gratis. If you, the independent and thoroughly honest mattress dealer, discover that every time you put up posters with prices or financing terms on them, your neighbors put up exactly the same posters, it is time to have a conversation with those neighbors. “Hey, Fulgencio,” you may say in a friendly manner (assuming your competitor’s name is Fulgencio, because if it isn’t you’ll just sound silly)—“Hey, Fulgencio, I notice that, purely by coincidence, we keep coming up with the same prices and the same financing terms, and then ordering our posters from the same printer in the same type and colors. Now, I think it’s time we got together with Adelina up the street and made some sort of arrangement. We can draw straws, and whoever draws the short straw will have to put up blue posters that month instead of red ones. That way we avoid the appearance of impropriety where, as you and I know, none exists.” This proposal is so reasonable that, naturally, your competitors will agree. Perhaps while they are being so agreeable you might make some other little agreements as well, but Dr. Boli leaves that part up to your imagination, knowing that of course you will keep your arrangements well within not only the letter but also the spirit of the law.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
BOLI’S LAW OF RESEARCH.
It is difficult to find any particular thing if you are looking for it, but you can find the most wonderful and delightful things if you are not looking for anything in particular.
This was a thought that came to Dr. Boli as he was adding a few items to his collection of illustrations.
(The cartoon above was published in 1888.)
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It’s World Homeopathy Awareness Week, so we are reprinting a number of features having to do with this fascinating alternative to medicine.
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NEW ALTERNATIVE THERAPY: Allopathic Medicine provides alternatives to traditional homeopathy. Allopathic Medicine is a science of the body that treats the symptoms of diseases, in many cases giving immediate relief. Based on the ancient wisdom of generations of African, Asian, Australian, European, North American, and South American scientists. Many Allopathic treatments are covered by major health-insurance plans. Look in the Yellow Pages under “Physicians” to find your local Allopathic practitioner. H. Albertus Boli Foundation for Alternative Medicine, Seldom Seen.