Posts by Dr. Boli
IMPORTANT WARNING.
Update: The Illustrations site is being reconstituted at
http://illustrations.altervista.org/
An advantage of this host is that it has the power to maintain a genuinely useful alphabetical index of the subjects of the pictures, thanks to a clever plugin called “Multi-column Tag Map.”
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Do not visit illustrations.byethost.com, which was Dr. Boli’s collection of illustrations from public-domain sources. Byethost.com is now redirecting the site to advertisements, all of which seem to be scam sites of one sort or another. There is no explanation from Byethost, except for a few emails mentioning that the site had become “very successful” (it averaged three visitors a day, and its highest number of visitors ever was twenty) and we might want to “upgrade.” We have removed the site from the list in the right-hand margin. If the site becomes available again, it will be put back in the list.
The illustrations themselves are not lost; they were all hosted on separate image servers. If you used any of them on a Web site, they should still be available.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: For months now I have been attempting to develop superpowers without success. Nothing has happened, not even when I goaded a radioactive wallaby into biting me. What can I do? —Sincerely, A Man Who Has the Costume and Everything, but No Superpowers.
Dear Sir: Perhaps you ought to concentrate on your own robust mental health. You could be Normal Psychological Development Man. Given the current fashions in superheroes, your lack of paralyzing moral ambiguity, soul-sapping angst, and crippling depression would give you such an advantage against the competition as to constitute a superpower in itself.
DAILY AFFIRMATIONS FOR SUPERVILLAINS.
What the world needs most today is order.
When I am in charge, I will stop this senseless discrimination against the differently sane.
Though I control a vast nuclear arsenal, I trust in my henchmen’s martial-arts skills to defend me.
What others call my “monstrous egotism” is merely a reasonable and informed self-esteem.
My character judgment is infallible, and my underlings are unswervingly loyal.
Although the United Nations could never agree on a protocol for ordering pizza, they will nevertheless accede to my demands unanimously within twenty-four hours.
A self-destruct countdown that cannot be stopped is a feature, not a bug.
The fact that my extravagantly gorgeous daughter has an eye for square-jawed hero types will in no way impede my ultimate victory.
Anger clarifies my judgment.
Reason alone will persuade the hero’s plucky girlfriend that I am a more suitable mate.
You say “psychotic”; I say “perceptive.”
BUCKETMAN.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
Two Bedrooms, One Bath. Hilarious door-slamming bedroom farce in which four superheroes forced to share the same apartment get into all manner of comical mixups.
Mystery of the Orchid Chamber. At a weekend party for superheroes, Capybaraman is found murdered in a locked room. Can the other guests figure out which one of them is a supervillain before the killer strikes again?
Hatman. Award-winning documentary follows the Capped Crusader in his epic three-year battle against trademark lawyers from DC Comics.
Twelve Angry Heroes. Riveting courtroom drama in which superheroes summoned for jury duty must decide the fate of a masked vigilante.
The Tights Unit. Gritty procedural follows a day in the life of the “Tights Unit,” a special office of the New York City police department charged with investigating superhero-on-superhero crime.
SILENT JIM.
THE ADVENTURES OF INVINCIBLE MAN.
CITIZEN 1. Look! Up in the sky!
CITIZEN 2. It’s a weather balloon!
CITIZEN 1. It’s a helicopter!
CITIZEN 2. I really think it’s a weather balloon.
ANNOUNCER. No! It’s Invincible Man!
(Music: Theme, in and under for…)
ANNOUNCER. Yes, Malt-O-Cod, the only malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents the Adventures of Invincible Man, the most powerful hero in the universe. Faster than light—more powerful than a hydrogen bomb—able to leap Mount McKinley with a hop, skip, and jump—Invincible Man fights for truth, beauty, and clean living!
(Music: Fade.)
ANNOUNCER. As our story opens today, Invincible Man has confronted the diabolically ruthless Dr. Villain, who has kidnapped plucky girl reporter Dottie Daily and plans on using her hatpins to build a doomsday device that will destroy most of the tri-state area.
DR. VILLAIN. So, Invincible Man, you have found my evil lair! But it makes no difference. My wicked plot proceeds apace. I have but to—
(Sound: Quiet smack.)
DOTTIE. Gosh, Invincible Man, you flicked him right off the continent.
INVINCIBLE MAN. I expect him to land in Tierra del Fuego somewhere, looking rather surprised.
DOTTIE. So his evil plot is foiled.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Yup.
(Pause)
DOTTIE. So, um, what would you like to talk about?
INVINCIBLE MAN. Well, I don’t know. Seen any good movies lately?
DOTTIE. No. I mean, I’d like to go to the movies sometimes, but my boyfriend Grant Sussex, mild-mannered fellow reporter at the Leader, is always so busy, and we just never seem to have the time. And anyway, the weather’s been so nice lately, so who wants to be cooped up in a stuffy old movie theater?
INVINCIBLE MAN. Yes, the weather has been very mild this spring. Last year it was so unpredictable.
DOTTIE. I know! It was, like, all tulips and daffodils one day, and the next day it was a blizzard.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Still, we had a mild summer last year. It never really got too hot.
DOTTIE. Yes, that was nice. But it wasn’t very good for the tomatoes. They don’t really thrive until the weather gets hot.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Oh, do you grow tomatoes?
DOTTIE. Yeah, the landlord lets me plant a little patch every year behind my building. I mean, I have to have something to do, since my boyfriend won’t take me to the movies.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Well, maybe if you chose a different kind of movie, your boyfriend wouldn’t be so reluctant.
DOTTIE. What kind? I really try, you know. I always suggest superhero action movies, cause I know guys like that.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Well, see, that’s your problem. Guys go to the movies to escape the everyday grind. Maybe a nice light romantic comedy.
DOTTIE. You know, you’re weird sometimes.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Well, I’m just trying to help. You don’t have to get all snippy.
DOTTIE. Sorry. It’s just that I’m worried about my relationship with Grant, you know? It always seems like he’s got something more important to do than be with me.
INVINCIBLE MAN. He’s probably just busy trying to save the w— I mean, save enough to make a down payment on a nice little bungalow for the two of you. A guy doesn’t want to marry a girl he can’t support, you know.
DOTTIE. Well, that’s not a problem. I’ll be making enough for both of us. Mr. Moore wants me to be features editor.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Features editor! You didn’t tell me anything about— I mean, have you, um, mentioned that to Grant?
DOTTIE. Aw, he’s too busy to listen. Anyway, I’m going to tell him next time I see him.
INVINCIBLE MAN. Well, I’m sure he’ll be very surprised.
DOTTIE. Sometimes you sound a little sarcastic, but I’m never quite sure why.
(Music: Theme, in and under for…)
ANNOUNCER. And so once again Invincible Man preserves the American Way from evil villains with indeterminate foreign accents. Tune in next time for more of the Adventures of Invincible Man. And don’t forget to drink your Malt-O-Cod today, kids. You can’t be as strong as Invincible Man, but you can be a hero to the Malt-O-Cod Corporation if you pester your parents for more Malt-O-Cod every time they go to the store. Unlike other fish-liver-flavored malt food drinks, Malt-O-Cod is made only from the purest Ukrainian barley and the sweet cream of the North Atlantic cod fisheries. Malt-O-Cod—it’s the malt food drink that’s brain food!
(Music: Theme, in full then out.)
KNOW YOUR ROAD SIGNS.
Caution: Science ahead.